From the valley to the mountain top

With 2012 here, I wanted to take a moment to go through 2011 and acknowledge all that I've been through and say GOODBYE to all the pain and heartache! So, here we go.

• January-- Luke and I discussed going to the doctor after unsuccessfully conceiving on our own after 6 months. 
• February-- I had my first gynecologist appointment, and the doctor put me on Provera to hopefully start ovulation.
• March-- I lost my friend Loren in Afghanistan.  He was fighting for our country.
• April-- The elderly grandparents of a fellow Evangel student was murdered, and I spent the entire month freaking out about the possibility of someone breaking into our house and killing us.  Also, I was having major hormonal changes due to the Provera I started two months prior.a
• May-- I graduated from Evangel University with an Associates in Intercultural Studies, and I found out that I have PCOS.
• June-- Luke and I decided to persue adoption rather than stress over having our own child.
• July-- We were accepted as potential adoptive parents at the private adoption agency, but we declined because I was not ready to give up my dream of having my own child. 
• August-- I quit my job as a CNA at Integrity Home Care in order to open up an in-home daycare .  Luke and I also took a sabbatical from ministry.
• September-- Luke and I celebrated our two year anniversary and resigned our positions as youth pastor and worship leader.
• October-- We found out that our infertility journey has a new dynamic.  My husband also has male factor infertility and there was nothing his doctor could do for him.
• November--My gynecologist said, "There's nothing else we can do for you " and he referred us to a fertility specialist in Kansas City. 
• December-- We began filing out paperwork for a consultation visit at the Reproductive Resource Center in Kansas City to talk about doing IVF (in-vitro) in 2012.  I was 5 days late for my period, and I thought I might be miraculously pregnant.  Wrong!

I've always heard, "once you're down, there's no where else to go but up!"  How true is that!?!?  I choose to think of that saying and compare it to 2011.  

2011 was my valley.  The lowest I've been in my life.  Despite all the bad news we've received this year, I know that our mountain top is coming.  It has to be.  There is no where else to go but up, and I rejoice in that!  2012 will be a new beginning for me, and I am so thankful!

             I pray blessings for each of you in this new year!  

                                   ~*Alicia Marie*~

Finding the good in the bad

When I first let my church know at the beginning of the year that I was having problems conceiving, everyone agreed that they would pray that I would be pregnant or would have already given birth by the end of December.  We agreed with them in prayer, too.  When April came around I knew that I wouldn't be holding a baby in my arms by the end of the year, but the chance of getting pregnant was still in my mind.  Month after month passed with nothing but fading hope.  As Christmas approached, my anxiety reached a peak.  A part of my bah-humbugness this holiday season was because a part of me really wanted for all those prayers to be true and end up pregnant by the end of the year.  I knew when December started that I would only have one more chance before the new year to be with child. 

On Thursday, December 22, I knew that I was going to have two days before I would find out if my Christmas miracle was going to happen because Aunt Flo was supposed to visit on the 24th.  The 24th came around and nothing happened.  As did the 25, 26, 27 and 28.  That's right, I was on day 4 of having a missed period.  Man oh man did I have a billion thoughts going through my mind.  Was I pregnant?  If I wasn't, where were the horrible cramps that I always get?  Should I even consider the possibility of being pregnant after knowing that we have both female/male infertility?!?!  I was going crazy. 

I woke up this morning with pain from what felt like a horrible PCOS flareup, but to no avail it wasn't.  It was good ole' Aunt Flo.  Apparently she thought it a hoot to visit 5 days later than she was supposed to and mess with my mind and my heart.  The Alicia I've become over the last few months would have said "life sucks, this totally isn't fair, and I just wanna wallow in self pity because I can't have babies and I have to start a new year empty handed AGAIN!!!"  Although, the Alicia I want to be in 2012 says something quite different. 

The Alicia I will be in 2012 will be one that finds some sort of positive out of every circumstance no matter how heart-wrenching it is.  So, since I plan on implementing this in 2012, I figured I would start now..  I mean, heck, the new year starts in a few days why not start the new me a few days earlier, right?!?!

My new view on my current situation is this....

• Maybe God has something wonderful planned for us this coming year that couldn't happen if we had children.
• Maybe the fact that AF showed, it allows for us to do IVF within the first few months of 2012 and possibly end up with those twin babies I've ALWAYS wanted!
• Maybe we'll be be able to use our journey to help someone with all the experience we've had during this infertility journey.

The bottom line is that I am determined to be a survivor.  In 2012, I want to restore my faith, live a productive, meaningful life, and hopefully (god-willing) have a baby!!!

Be jealous

Let me start off by saying that I feel as if I've dropped off the bloggy grid lately.   We've been having a wonderful Christmas in Arkansas.  There have been lots of food, laughs, and even some tears over the last few days.  Here's a quick run through of what we've fit into the past 4 days.

We weren't supposed to leave for Arkansas until Friday morning, but I decided that I didn't want to deal with holiday traffic, so after working a 9 hour day, we went to dinner with my mother in law and went home and packed up the car.  We ended up leaving town the second time at 10 p.m. (we originally left sooner, but we had to turn around and get one of the presents we forgot!).  We probably saw a total of 20 cars on our side of the road during the 4.5 hour drive!  Even though there were times that I had to drive with me eyes like this...

We made it safely to my parents house at 3 in the morning on Friday!

Friday night we went Christmas caroling with my parents church.  Originally we had a list of 10 places to go caroling to, but the list grew to about 14 by the time we were finished.  We started at 6:45 and didn't get back to the church until 10.  Luke and I were EXHAUSTED, but seeing the look on the little elderly faces was  enough to get us through the long night.  As soon as we got back to my parents house, Friday night, Luke and I crashed.  We were so tired!

Does this gross anyone else out like it does me?!?!  Yuck!

For some reason I've not been able to sleep lately, so I woke up at 3 in the morning on Saturday.  I tried to go back to sleep, but it just wasn't going to happen.  While the entire house was sound asleep, I grabbed my cell phone and stalked caught up on some of my facebook friends.  Around 5 a.m. Luke woke up and we turned on the television and waited for my family to wake.  A few hours passed and finally they started to wake up!  We all had to be ready for Christmas #1 at my aunts house, with my moms extended family, at 10:30.  We left Christmas #1 around 1 p.m. and then headed back to my parents house for a few minutes before departing for Christmas #2.  #2 was with my dads extended family.  We have not had all of the family together for at least 8 years, so it was nice to see everyone again.  The cool thing about my dads extended family is that I still have TWO great grandparents alive.  I'm 22 years old now, and I still have great-grandparents!  Not many people are blessed enough to be able to say that!  My great grandparents are both in their 90's and we wanted to get everyone together at least one more time, just in case something happened to one or both of them (not that we want it to by any means!).  Here are my great-grandparents!

After leaving Christmas #2, we headed back to my parents house.  Luke, my sister and myself watched an episode of The Big Bang Theory before heading to bed at 10 (we LOVE that show!!!).  Of course we went to bed early so that "Santa" could come because we ALWAYS get up at an ungodly hour REALLY early to see what "Santa" brought us.  This year, my sister woke us up at 1 in the morning.  Yeah, I said it.  ONE in the morning!  So, we opened presents.  Now is the part where I explain my title by saying that I got a snuggie....

like this one!

The best part is....IT HAS A POCKET!  Only the Lord knows what kind of chocolates I can hide from my husband now!  Bahahaha....hahaha....ha! *cue the cute yet ohh sooo evil baby laugh*

 

 All of you blanket-wearing-no-pocket-having people out there...be jealous.  Be very jealous!

After opening presents, we went back to bed for a few hours and then woke in order to make it to church by 10:30.  When church was over, we headed back home in order to prepare for our regular Christmas eve dinner (which was moved to Christmas day) that consisted of steak, potatoes, rolls, salad, pies, etc.  Mmmmmmmmmm!  Talk about good eatin'!  (yeah, that's how they say it here in Arkansas!)

After the Christmas eve day get together at my parents house, we've not done much of anything.  We've slept, ate leftovers, played Wii, ate more leftovers, watched tv, ate even more leftovers.  Well, I think you get the picture.  I think we've eaten enough food to send us into a food induced coma.  I'm stuffed.  We're all stuffed.  I guess I've eaten so much the past few days because I know that when I go back to my everyday life in Springfield, we won't have good food like this.  Heck, Luke will be lucky to get a decent home cooked meal within the next few weeks.  As I said before,  I'm very much undomesticated. 

We're heading back to Missouri on Wednesday (tomorrow).  I'm not sure what time we'll get back home, but I'll be catching up on blog reading over the next few days!  I hope you all have had a wonderful Christmas holiday and are looking forward to the New Year!  I can't believe how fast 2011 went despite how slow it felt!

So this is Christmas...

Ever since our arrival in Arkansas late Thursday night, we've been very busy!  We've had three family Christmases already, and that's not counting the one tonight!  I've seen more family in the last few days than I have in the last few years!  I'll admit, it is nice to be with my family again.  I've missed them so much, and I know the feelings are mutual, too!

I hope that everyone is having a wonderful Christmas with the ones they love!

Love to you all!
-Alicia Marie

Truth is Thursday

Truth is...When I step in front of the mirror I see a beautiful woman, and the moment I step out the front door, any and all confidence I had in myself disappears.

Truth is... My emotions are too easily swayed by other people and their emotions. 

Truth is... One moment I can be having the best day EVER, and the next moment I'm crying  my eyes out and seeking the closest McDonalds for a sweet tea to comfort me.  (Hormonal much?)

Truth is... I'm not the domesticated wife I should be, and I probably will never reach that status, either.  *gasp*

Truth is... My heart longs for things it shouldn't.

Truth is... I don't understand why God has chosen me to go through this infertility journey knowing that my heart is too easily broken.

Truth is... Tomorrow I'm going to be on my way to Arkansas to see my family for Christmas, and I'm beyond excited, but at one point in my life I did everything within my power to get as far away from them.

Truth is... No matter how good our family Christmas Eve dinner will be, it will never be the same without Poppie being there.

Truth is... I love people, but I avoid going grocery shopping because I have that underlying fear that some pregnant woman will walk in front of me and I'll lose any ounce of composure I had when I walked in the store. 

Truth is... I have no Christmas tree or decorations in my house because holidays are not the same to me as they once were.  They're only gut-wrenching painful reminders that we're left with empty arms for yet ANOTHER holiday.

Truth is... Every time someone has asked me what I wanted for Christmas this year, I wanted to yell at them tell them that Christmases from here on out, until we are blessed with the miracle of having children, I will only long for a sweet, healthy baby to hold in my arms.  Nothing else.  Just a baby. 

Truth is...I wrapped Christmas presents for 2.5 hours last night because I waited to wrap them until I absolutely had to get it done.  (can you say procrastination!?!)  It looked like Christmas threw up in my living room.  No lie.

Truth is... I miss leading worship at church.  The closest I ever felt to God is when I was leading worship.  Since music flows through every vein in my body, it was like leading worship was the one line that connected me with the Lord and where I felt he knew my heart and my brokenness. 

Truth is...I'm such a horrible cook that when I do attempt to cook, I cry.  Like, a lot. 

I claim temporary insanity

Hello to all out there in bloggyland!  Yesterday's post was quite the downer, and again, I apologize.  So, here I am, I'm gonna try and make up for it with this one.  Just so you know, I claim temporary insanity for the last post.  Truly, I blame the medicine.  I've always been one whose mood easily sways based on events or others' emotions, but when I add extra hormones...well, I produce depressing posts.  Sorry.  Anyway, here's to a more cheery post!

First, let me start by saying that the mommy of one of my daycare boys just had another baby this morning.  A 10 pound 1 ounce baby.  I'm so excited for them.  Their other son brings so much joy to me and Luke, and I can't wait to start watching baby Cooper in 8 weeks!  I can't imagine what it's like to have a 10 pound baby.  In my mind, I compare it to passing a kids bowling ball, but Google had other opinions.  Google said that it's compared to the following...

 

 

 

 

A sack of potatoes...Okay, we all know what that feels like.  That's imaginable, really.

An Easter Ham?  Uh, not so imaginable for this girl!  I mean, sure--it weighs 10 lbs, but could you imagine passing an Easter ham like this one?  Yeah, not this girl, but at least it's realistic I suppose....

Two chihuahuas?!?!?!  REALLY, GOOGLE!?!?  I think I'm quite creative, but this tops it all.  I would NEVER have thought passing a 10 lb baby would be the same as passing 2 chihuahuas...not by any stretch of my imagination!

If you remember last week I wrote a post dedicated to my new love interest, Pintrest.  Well, I've been fiddling with Pintrest again, and here's what I liked the most yesterday!

For those of you have not been on Pintrest yet, this is a perfect summary of what it is.  So, if you'd like to do any of those, you'll love Pintrest for sure! 

I am a HUGE fan of music.  Always have been, always will be.  This person took sheet music and made flowers out of it and turned it into her bouquet for her wedding.  Now, this is a perfect example of why I love Pintrest because had I thought of it, I totally would do this! 

*ahem* Now, these ladies have no shame.  I love a good scarf just as much as the next gal, but this is a little too much...*shudders*

I'm always looking for new blogs to read, and sometimes I feel like a stalker, but then I remind myself that I am NOT a stalker, but instead I am an "Intense Researcher" :)

Uh, can you say....AWWW!!  I. Want. One.  A miniature one, in fact.  You know, the kind that I can stick in my pocket and let it poke its head out while we walk down the street.  If I had one, everyone would be jealous.  No doubt!

This is a hidden wine cellar.  Wow.  I want one of these, too, but I would fill it with endless bottles of Mt. Dew and Cream Soda!

Can I get an amen?  Although, I'd have to add to this by saying that this picture goes for McDonald's sweet tea, too!

Lastly, this one....

Bah Humbug

I'm definitely NOT into the whole Fa-la-la-la-la's of this year's Christmas season.  Honestly, if it were up to me, I'd acknowledge and be thankful for the birth of Christ, but other than that there wouldn't be any celebrations.  If I were able to see my parents more often, I'd opt out of going to their house, and I'd stay home in bed.  I would eat chocolate until my broken heart seemed content, and I would watch the Criminal Minds marathon that comes on every Sunday. 

As I tried explaining, through tears, to Luke last night....I just don't want to do anything.  This whole anti-social part of me doesn't only show up when a holiday rolls around.  It's all the time.  Seriously.  I don't want to do anything.  I don't want to go anywhere, and I definitely don't want to be around people. 

I think I've come to the conclusion that it is BEYOND time for me to see a counselor.  I can't seem to get out of this slump.  There's so many things I need to work through in order to feel like a normal, loving human being again.  They say the first step is admitting that one has a problem, so here I am.  I have a problem.  Heck, I have a lot of problems.  I have no issue with admitting that, but my biggest problem is one that I cannot do anything about.  I cannot magically make a baby, like so many others it seems, just by having sex.  It's not possible. 

I have been telling myself for months now that I am ready for 2011 to be over, but last night I got to thinking about it.  Aunt Flo visited me Thanksgiving morning, and since I'm already on day 6 of Provera, its very likely that she will, once again, visit me on another holiday.  Yeah, I'm pretty much heartbroken.  Holiday's are hard enough as it is.  This time last year I was so hopeful that this Christmas I would be bringing a baby with us for the holidays, but NO!  Not this year. Anyway, if AF shows up on Christmas, that means that I will be ringing in the new year with the ever so painful reminder that I am defective, and childless.  Isn't that the PERFECT way to start off a new year? 

I'm sorry for this depressing post.  Really, I am.  I just....*sigh*.  I want so badly to be a mother.  I know everything happens in God's timing, but sometimes it feels like his clock is off because if it had been working properly, it would have already happened for me!  I would have already been a mom.  Unfortunately, I know that's not how it really works, but sometimes I wish it did. 

This isn't true, and when I read it, it made me incredibly angry.  I'm trying my hardest, with everything I have, to create the life my heart is yearning for.  Unfortunately for me and many others, it's not as easy as people think.  If only I had the power to speak things into existence....

Hormonal Rage--The Duggar version

Alright, let me start off by saying that I am well into day 4 of being on Provera, and I have extra hormones raging through my body.  Luke, more than anyone, knows to stay away and keep his mouth shut during the 10 days I'm on Provera, or there could be some major temper flares.  With this being said, this post is my response to an article I read this morning when I first logged online.

Unless you've lived under a rock the last few years, you know who I'm talking about when I say "The Duggar family."  You know, they're the family with a miniature army that grows numerically every year or so.  As of a month ago, the Duggars had announced that they were, yet again, pregnant with Duggar baby #20 or #21 if you count the baby they lost 20 years ago (which I do!).  A month after they announced on national tv that they were expecting again, TLC announced that Michelle Duggar had suffered a miscarriage in her second trimester.  When I first heard the news of her miscarriage, my heart automatically went out to her.  After loosing a baby two days after I found I was pregnant, 2 years ago this month, I know the pain a miscarriage can bring to a family.  For days I read tweets of people saying that "this is God's way of saying enough is enough, stop having children."  My response to this was, "stop being ignorant you judgmental, heartless fools!"  Who cares if this family has 2 kids or 20, no matter what number the child is in a family, each one is precious.  Each one is important, no matter if they're born healthy, premature, or they pass away in the second trimester!

This morning I read this article on Yahoo.  Talk about making me irate!  I was fuming with anger when I finished reading it.  Here's an excerpt from the article about the family releasing photos of baby Jubilee. 

“It just seems too public and almost seems like, ‘OK, we’re stars, everybody wants to know abut us,’” said Susan Newman, a social psychologist who has taken the Duggars to task for continuing to procreate in two columns for Psychology Today. “From what I know of parents who have lost children, it’s horrific. It’s not something you want pictures of. There are people who will argue with me and say it’s a way of coming to terms with the death. But given the Duggars’ history, their television show, and the way they exploit their children, I just find this a cog in the same wheel. I find it rather distasteful.”

Is this really so bad?  How is this "distasteful?"  I say it's BEAUTIFUL!

Okay!  Does this make anyone else angry, or is it just me?  How many of you mothers out there that have lost children wanted something to remember your children by?  I know, if I had lost my baby in my second trimester, you better bet I would have taken pictures!  My baby is just as much a part of my family as a healthy living child will be one day, and the same goes for little Jubilee Duggar!  Of course, loosing a child is "horrific."  It should NEVER happen.  Parents should never have to bury their children, and children should never die, but the fact is...it happens, and we can't stop it.  The most we can do is remember our babies and keep them a part of our family and our memories for as long as we live!  As far as the comment from the article of the lady thinking it is "distatesful," I, personally, find it distasteful that she thinks she can judge a mourning family for grieving the loss of their precious 4 oz baby, Jubilee.

Sure, you may not agree with their lifestyle or how public their lives are, but what decent, caring, kind individual would put down a grieving family?  So what that Jubilee would have been their 21st child.  She was loved from the moment her existence was known, and she will always be loved for the rest of that family's lives

So, to everyone out that with a heart of stone and a mouth that spurts hateful, hurtful comments...back off.  Seriously.  Let this family grieve the loss of their little child without scrutiny from the public on whether their grieving process is acceptable.  Everyone grieves differently, and my bet is that if it were you in their position, you would want the ability to mourn the death of your child however you felt necessary.

Oh, Pintrest!

I've recently been obsessed with Pintrest.  There are SO many things on that website to keep my mind occupied for hours!  While the kids are napping, I've taken the time to indulge myself in the world of Pintrest, and here's what I've gotten out of it so far.

• This particular pin made me smile.  Why?  Because yesterday Luke and I went to get our hair cut.  "Okay...", you may say.  No, not okay.  The lady seemed nice at first.  She was very easy to talk to.  We were chatting up a storm, and then she asks me if I have kids.  BAM!  Slap in the face of this infertile #1.  I politely say, "no, we don't have any children, but we want them."  A few minutes pass and she asks what I do for a living, and I gladly tell her that I run an in-home daycare.  She then asks about how many children I take care of, and I tell her, and she seemed shocked.  She then said, "I could never watch that many children at one time, I guess it's a good thing that you don't have any children of your own.  That's gotta be the best birth control ever!"  Cue this picture....!

 

 

•  All I've gotta say is.... ONE DAY!!!

 

• The next two pictures will melt your heart.  Seriously.  You're gonna say, "awwwwww..." Who wouldn't want one of both?!?!  Personally, If I had the penguin, I'd put him in my pocket and carry him around, and when I got sad I would just give him a big ole' squeeze and life would automatically be better!

Told ya, he's so stinking squeezable!

Oink!

• This one is genius.  Seriously.  Genius!  Whoever invented this deserves millions and millions of currency!  Honestly, I think it's genius for one (maybe two-- *wink*) reasons, but before I tell you why I think this person deserves millions, let me tell you what this picture represents.  This is a picture of a set of pillows that light up when the opposite person lays on their pillow.  Also, there is a band the two wear while they sleep, and it allows the other person to hear their heart beat.  Now tell me that isn't cool!?!  It's great for long distance relationships, but it's even better for marriage.  If you've got a snoring husband  spouse that is driving you insane and keeping you awake throughout the entire night, here's your solution!  Throw out your earplugs and get a set of these pillows, and then send him that person to a separate room for the night.  You can rest peacefully knowing that you'll be falling asleep to the sound of his heartbeat rather than his their incessant snoring! *disclaimer--this was in no way directed towards any one specifically my husband or any party*

 

• I love being in the rain.  I love to watch the clouds roll across the sky, changing color, texture and depth.  Now, imagine yourself lying outside in a field, in the rain, watching storms pass with your love next to you...in THIS! *see below*

I, personally, would have put a big comfy bed in it with lots of fluffy pillows because I'm girlie like that!

•  I'm a sucker for love.  Love quotes. Love songs. Lovey-lovey-lovey-love!!!!!

Uhh...Lucky girl!  ...she gets Starbucks!

BLING!!!! Yes, please?!?!

The last one is my favorite!

• Lastly, I want one of these.  I want to make some, too.  I love this idea!

A mother's intuition--Daycare version

When I first started my in-home daycare in September, I started with four kids.  I had three boys and one girl.  After a month went by, I began to catch on to the ever growing trend that one of my parents was slowly but surely not bringing her child without notification or cause.  I was only watching her little girl a few times a week, so when the little girl didn't show up at all one week, I knew that was the end of that.  She was no longer my daycare child.  Her parents had skipped out on me, AND they owed me money!  I guess I should have known better to take her on when the mom told me that she stopped taking her little girl to the old babysitter one day without warning the sitter first.  First there were four, and then there were three.

In the beginning of November, I began to notice very strange behavior from the dad of one of the boys I cared for.  At first these parents were wonderful.  They paid on time, the mom brought the boy every day when she said she would, and she had him picked up at the times she said she would, too.  It was all good.  The dad got laid off work in the beginning of october, and he found a new job which meant that he would be bringing the little boy to daycare instead of his mom.  I quickly noticed that the dad would bring the boy earlier and earlier every day  (they even showed up at my front door right as I was getting out of the shower--talk about getting dressed in the fastest time ever!!!).  Along with dropping off the boy earlier every day, the dad began to pick the boy up later and later, too.  First it was 30 minutes late, then an hour, and sometimes he didn't pick him up until an hour and a half after he was supposed to be picked up.  Of course, I became very agitated, but I don't like confrontation, so I just let it happen.  One day, the dad dropped off his little boy and I noticed something was off.  The dad was acting really weird, but I went ahead and took the child and let the dad leave.  When the dad came to pick the boy up  (an hour late, might I add), he wouldn't make eye contact with me.  He was stumbling around my living room, and the things he was saying just didn't make sense.  I was scared to let the little boy go with with his daddy, but I couldn't keep him from going with his dad, could I?  Looking back on it, I wish I had called the police, but I didn't.  A week after the dad stumbled into my house that day, he came to pick up his boy again.  This time, which he was an hour late for again, he parked really close to my garage door, and then he stumbled in my house again.  He talked a bunch of nonsense and then said something about he rear-ended someone,  and the airbags in his car went off.  He acted all angry about the accident, and he said that now his car will probably be totaled.  I felt bad that he had wrecked, and I asked him if he called the police.  Now, when I said the word police, this man semi-freaked out on me.  He started breathing heavier, and kind of got defensive--almost as if he was hiding something from me.  He quickly grabbed his son and went out the door.  As he was walking out of my house, I told him if he had to be off work because of the "wreck" then I asked that he let me know (via text or call) that his son wouldn't be there.  That was the end of that.  He pulled out of my driveway so fast, almost as if he didn't want me to see his car, but I did.  I did see his car, and nothing was wrong with it.  No dents, no cracks, not even a scratch on the front of his car.  My guess is that he didn't go to work that day, or if he did he smoked something other than cigarettes before he picked up the boy.  Something was seriously wrong, and I didn't know what to do.  I had one of those motherly feelings to protect the children, so every time this parent would pull in the driveway, I'd put the other kids in the back room to play until he was gone.  It's my job to protect the kids I watch, but I never thought I would feel the need to protect them from one of their own parents.  I've never been in situations like this before.  Anyway, when the dad pulled away from my house, that was the last time I saw the little boy.  It's been a month since the dad came staggering into my house, and a month since I've seen that precious little boy.  I never got a call or an explanation.  Granted, I called and texted the parents numerous times just trying to get a response to make sure that they were still alive, but....nothing.

Every day when my current daycare kids show up, I think of that one little boy.  I wonder if he's okay.  I wonder if he made it home safely a month ago.  I wonder if I could have done something to protect the boy from his dad.  I also wonder if I SHOULD have done something based on my initial gut feeling.  I've heard the power of a mothers intuition, but I'm no mother.  I'd love to be, but I'm not.  So, how could I ever explain to the police that I think the dad is doing illegal things and is putting his child in danger?

Unfortunately, I couldn't.

What Google taught me

When I first realized that my blog was taken off the internet by Google without my permission, I was angry.  Seriously, angry.  I bet I typed the URL to my blog 50 times by hand (rather than going to my bookmarks) in hopes to get it to pull up.  But, nothing.  I sent requests to Google in hopes of finding out why I couldn't access my blog, but again, nothing. 

A few days went by, and my anger turned into sadness.  I missed my only connection to the people who understand what I am going through the most.  I missed my bloggy friends and reading about their lives.  I even started a second blog just so that I could post and try and find all of my bloggy friends that I follow.  The thought of missing out on important information in your lives that you were willing to share made me sad.  I didn't know if I could find you guys again.  I mean, it took me months to stumble upon each and every one of your blogs, and it took seconds for you all to disappear.  I began to kick myself over and over again for not saving backup copies of my important posts.  No lie, I felt like my life had been taken from me.  Maybe you think that's a little dramatic, but I have spent at least the last nine months pouring my heart out on this blog, and all the sudden everything I had ever felt and talked about was taken from me, and there is nothing I could do about it.  

Needless to say, I'm beyond thankful that I have my blog back!  From now on, any and all "important" posts will be backed up on my computer just in case my blog gets shut down for unexplainable reasons again.

So, I've realized this...

1. Backup any and all important posts because they're more important to me than I realize.
2. My bloggy friends meant more to me than I ever thought.  Each and every one of you.

I'm Back!

Well, after my blog was booted off the internet by Google six days ago, I am finally back!  The other day I was having massive blog cravings, so I started another blog.  I was unsure whether or not I was going to be able to get my regular blog back, but I guess after 3-4 requests to Google, they finally understood that I REALLY needed my blog! I know a few of you noticed I was gone, and it was nice to know that you were sad I was gone.  You, my bloggy friends, are the bestest (yes, that's a word--in my dictionary, at least) ever!

So, here I am.  I'm back on my normal blog, and I couldn't be happier.  I am frantically trying to catch up on six days worth of your blogs.  I sure was having major blog withdraws, so right now I am on an ultimate high!

Hair revamp

With everything that has happened this past year, I've been needing to feel in control of something.  When IF (infertility) struck, I felt like I was no longer in control of my life.  I could no longer make the decision to have children or not, it was made for me.  So, I've been desperately searching for something in my life that I can take control of, and I found it.  

For months I have been debating on changing my hair.  If you ask the people who know me the most, the two things about myself that I like are my eyes and my hair.  Changing one or the other kind of makes me nauseous just thinking about it.  Saturday we went to my mother in laws, and I had a strong impulse to change my hair.  I've been wanting to grow it out, but there's nothing I can do about that, so I decided to color it.  Self color it, that is.  Now, to be honest, I didn't do it myself, I was too scared.  I asked my mother in law to do it for me.  So, I made Luke go with me to Walmart to pick a color, but I was too indecisive, so I picked FOUR different boxes to take back to my mother in laws house so that she could help me decide.  After much debate, I finally chose a color.  So, without further hesitation, here I am.

This is what I looked like before

 

And now, this is what I look like

 

And this....

 

And for those of you who think it's maroon, it's not.  It's Clairol's Natural Instincts version of medium auburn brown.  My hair shouldn't have turned with as much of a red tint as it did, but my hair was lighter to begin with so it just happened to turn out that way....but, I'm diggin' it!  

I'm that girl.

I'm that girl that always saw the positive side to everything, even in desperation.  I was the one that wanted to solve the worlds' problems. 

I wanted to feed the hungry

clothe the naked

 

house the orphaned.

 That's me, the one that cared so much for everyone else that her own problems took a backseat to the world and their desperate cries.  As long as I can remember, I have thought of others without thinking twice about myself or the situations I was going through, until recently.  Recently, as in the last 1 year, 4 months, 1 week and 6 days.

Unfortunately, I've been so consumed in my grief through our infertility journey that I've become self-absorbed in my thoughts and actions.  I've often put aside my dreams of helping people just so that I could focus on helping myself become a mom, which is essentially giving up one dream for another with no potential happy ending. 

With the new program I'm in at school, I have a new class every 5 weeks.  With each class, we have a new teacher.  With each new teacher, we have to tell them who we are and a little about ourselves (if we're married, have kids, etc...)  Each class has pushed me to consider why I'm really in this program.  Why did I start it in the first place?  To help people, of course!  The more I learn about people and how to help them more effectively, the more I feel this increasing urge in my heart.  An urge to get back to the old Alicia.  The Alicia that truly cared about people.  The girl that longed to make a difference in the world.  Oh, how I miss her.  

So, here I am.  I'm desperately searching for my place in this world.  Searching for my reason for being.  For being infertile.  I'm slowly, but surely, getting back to the old Alicia.  You know, "that girl."

"I alone know the plans I have for you, plans to bring you prosperity and not disaster, plans to bring about the future you hope for." --Jeremiah 29:11  (Good News Translation)