Friday, June 10, 2011

The decision...

This past year has been a faith stretching, marriage testing kind of year.  If you've ever been on the same path as Luke and myself, you know exactly how I'm feeling right now.  You've cried yourself to sleep, you've wept uncontrollably, and nothing anyone said to you comforted your heart.  With every passing month your heart sank a little farther in your chest.  After my Endocrinologist appointment, Luke and I sat down and decided we are tired of month after month of disappointments.  We decided that we aren't going to put ourselves through this anymore.

We made a decision...

A decision that will change our journey.  A decision that also holds uncertainty, but one that we can see a light at the end of the tunnel.  After many hours of weeping before the Lord asking Him for a child to call our own, we feel as if the door to conceiving a child of our own has been closed.  As the saying goes, "where one door closes, another one opens."  This has been the case for us.  We've weighed the pros and cons of our decision, and without a doubt we feel that we've made the best decision for our lives.  We're adopting.  I know that adopting a child has it's downfalls too, but we acknowledge that.

I've come to grips that it's not the right time for me to conceive.  If I ever end up pregnant, it's not because of the doctors or the medicines they put me on, it would be by the grace of God that I bare a child in my womb.  I'm beyond ready to stop being so in tune with my body.  I'm ready to get back my life.  This infertility journey has stolen away most of my happiness, and I'm ready to become the new and improved Alicia Marie.  The Alicia who is even more understanding of other people and their pain.  The Alicia who is no longer afraid to go to hospitals and baby showers because it hurts too much to see other people happy about their baby.  I'm ready to put this behind us and move on to the new life we're going to live in the adoption world.

It's my prayer that everyone who reads this, or hears about our journey, will understand why we chose this new path and that they will accept it and support us.  We know that adopting costs a lot of money, but just as we did with our infertility journey, we're trusting that God will provide one way or another.  Even though the past (almost) year of infertility has stretched me mentally, I thank God for it.  I thank God that I have had the opportunity to meet new people who understand what I have felt.  I thank Him for being there in the darkness of the night when I weep from the sadness in my heart and for the peace that has passed all my understanding.  I am not worthy of His goodness, but I thank Him for everything He has done. 

7 comments:

  1. I think you made the right decision.

    You're not actually closing any doors, you still leave the way for God to do the miracle He may do, and you open up the possibility of another miracle, that of adoption.

    Be assured of ongoing prayers and loving good wishes from over the ocean.

    A British reader.

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  2. I am so happy you and DH were able to come to a decision you are both comfortable with. Life doesn't always go the way we plan, but God always gives us ways to achieve our goals, even if it wasn't the original plan. I am reaching the end of my TTC with my own eggs road and will be seaking an alternative path to motherhood if my next cycle doesn't work. Wishing you the best of luck with the adoption process and building the family you so deserve!

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  3. I am so happy for you guys that you've made a decision! I'll be praying for you still, and I know it will be a huge blessing to you.

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  4. This is so beautifully written. I'm very excited for you. You've made an awesome decision. Whoot whoot! Sooo neat!

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  5. I loved reading about your next journey! One of these days we REALLY need to get together:)

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  6. Good luck in your journey. I like how you're not closing the door on conception, you're leaving it there for God to open or close as He will.

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  7. I am so happy for you! God will give you a little mirzcle either way girl. I'm mostly excited for the child as I feel certain you and Luke will be wonderful parents. You will stay in my prayers as you have been since I read your story!

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