cigarettes and the man in the wheelchair

Happy New Year to all of you!  I am so excited that it is January 1, 2012!  A new year means changes, but sometimes that's not a bad thing.  Yesterday marked three years of having my blog.  Although I went months at a time (several times, in fact) after starting my blog, it's pretty cool to look at my life and how it has changed since then.  In honor of the new year, here's my first post of 2012!

Last night Luke and I stayed home, watched t.v., ate pizza and drank sparkling grape juice.  Talk about partying it up! After that hardcore partying we did last night, the obvious thing to do was to take a nap today!  When Luke and I woke up from our nap (at 5 p.m. tonight) we were both hungry.  I wanted cereal, but we didn't have milk, so we took a trip to the grocery store.  I dislike going to Walmart because it seems like I walk forever before finding what I need, so I choose to go to the little ghetto PriceCutter on Commercial street whenever I get the chance.

Commercial Street in Springfield is known for the homeless people.  I've never been approached by any of the homeless before, so I usually think nothing about going to that store.  Tonight was that exception.  As soon as I pulled into the parking lot, I saw a crowd of people standing under the awning.  Immediately I thought something was weird.  We've been at that store a hundred times and people don't just hang out there, so I automatically had a bad feeling.  I pulled into a parking spot right in front of the store.  I wanted to make sure that I had fast access to the front door and to my car when we left.  Now, don't get me wrong.  I have nothing against homeless people, but I just had a bad feeling about going into that store.  I waited for Luke to walk around to my side of the car before I got out.  The men under the awning stared me straight in the eye.  Every one of them.  I grabbed Luke's arm and quickly walked us into the store.  I went to get a cart, and as I glanced up I saw a man glare at me through the store window.  He watched my every move until I disappeared around the corner.

I made my way around the first aisle, and as soon as I turned the corner, the same man that was staring at me as I got out of the car and as I got our cart was standing directly in front of me.  He looked at me.  I glanced and quickly turned down the next aisle.  My heart was racing.  It seemed as though no matter what aisle I went down, he passed me.  I told Luke that I didn't feel comfortable being in the store any longer, so we made our way to the front of the store so that we could pay for our items and leave.

Somehow, the man had made his way to the checkout line right before us.  The only thing he bought was a pack of cigarettes.  He peered at me over his shoulder and then walked out of the store.  As I made my way to return our cart while Luke was checking out, I saw the man again.  He poked his head out from behind the redbox and watched me as I put the cart away and made my way back to Luke.  By the time I made it back to Luke, he was ready to walk out to the car.  My heart began to pound.  I wouldn't have been so scared if that man hadn't creeped me out from the moment we pulled into the parking lot.

We walked out the door, and out of the corner of my eye I saw a man walking towards us.  He began to walk faster saying, "hey, hey."  He had his hands in his pocket and was very scruffy.  He came up to me, not Luke and asked if I had any change.  I told him no, which was the truth because we had paid for our groceries with our debit card.  We continued to walk to the car, which seemed a mile away at that moment, but in reality it was only a few feet away.  The man continued to follow me, walking behind me at first but then caught up to me and walked shoulder to shoulder with me all the way to the car.  At one point, he even brushed against me.  I quickly unlocked the car and jumped in.  I locked the door behind me.  Unfortunately I locked Luke outside of the car, not thinking.  I unlocked the door so that Luke could put the groceries in the car and then asked him to hurry.  All the men that were standing under the awning when we arrived were still there.  They stared at me, not Luke.  Maybe they sensed my fear and wanted to mess with my mind.  I don't know, really.

As Luke made his way around to the passenger side, he went to open the door and a man in a wheelchair made his way down the ramp (next to our car) and basically blocked Luke from getting in the car.  He asked Luke for money for cigarettes, and Luke jiggled his pockets as if he were trying to show the man he had nothing, but his keys rattled.  I'm sure the man in the wheelchair thought he was lying to him.  I would have.  It did sound like he had money after all!

Luke quickly got in the car, and I locked it.  I turned my lights on, pulled out of the parking lot, and got away from that store as fast as I could.  My heart was racing.  I felt like I had escaped a potential nasty situation.  Maybe I over reacted, but I just had a bad feeling.  I don't get those often, you know.  I've heard that women have a sense of potential danger.  It's built into us or something like that.  I guess it's kind of like women with their motherly instincts, I think women have a danger instinct that alerts us when something could go wrong. 

If I had money in my pocket, I probably would have given it to them, but I didn't.  Neither of us did.  As I said before, I have nothing against homeless people, but I just didn't have a good feeling about them or the situation we were in.  Now, had they been like Elisa and played their instruments, I wouldn't have been so worried, but I was.  It is only January 1 of this new year, and I've already been scared witless!

Oh to the joys that 2012 will bring me!  :)

Here's a quote I found online that I thought was interesting: "Being scared and wanting to protect ourselves is a natural instinct, but if we let that go and become passionate about those things that scare us, we will find so much fulfillment and happiness."

Here's to a new year of blogging!
--Alicia Marie

From the valley to the mountain top

With 2012 here, I wanted to take a moment to go through 2011 and acknowledge all that I've been through and say GOODBYE to all the pain and heartache! So, here we go.

• January-- Luke and I discussed going to the doctor after unsuccessfully conceiving on our own after 6 months. 
• February-- I had my first gynecologist appointment, and the doctor put me on Provera to hopefully start ovulation.
• March-- I lost my friend Loren in Afghanistan.  He was fighting for our country.
• April-- The elderly grandparents of a fellow Evangel student was murdered, and I spent the entire month freaking out about the possibility of someone breaking into our house and killing us.  Also, I was having major hormonal changes due to the Provera I started two months prior.a
• May-- I graduated from Evangel University with an Associates in Intercultural Studies, and I found out that I have PCOS.
• June-- Luke and I decided to persue adoption rather than stress over having our own child.
• July-- We were accepted as potential adoptive parents at the private adoption agency, but we declined because I was not ready to give up my dream of having my own child. 
• August-- I quit my job as a CNA at Integrity Home Care in order to open up an in-home daycare .  Luke and I also took a sabbatical from ministry.
• September-- Luke and I celebrated our two year anniversary and resigned our positions as youth pastor and worship leader.
• October-- We found out that our infertility journey has a new dynamic.  My husband also has male factor infertility and there was nothing his doctor could do for him.
• November--My gynecologist said, "There's nothing else we can do for you " and he referred us to a fertility specialist in Kansas City. 
• December-- We began filing out paperwork for a consultation visit at the Reproductive Resource Center in Kansas City to talk about doing IVF (in-vitro) in 2012.  I was 5 days late for my period, and I thought I might be miraculously pregnant.  Wrong!

I've always heard, "once you're down, there's no where else to go but up!"  How true is that!?!?  I choose to think of that saying and compare it to 2011.  

2011 was my valley.  The lowest I've been in my life.  Despite all the bad news we've received this year, I know that our mountain top is coming.  It has to be.  There is no where else to go but up, and I rejoice in that!  2012 will be a new beginning for me, and I am so thankful!

             I pray blessings for each of you in this new year!  

                                   ~*Alicia Marie*~

Finding the good in the bad

When I first let my church know at the beginning of the year that I was having problems conceiving, everyone agreed that they would pray that I would be pregnant or would have already given birth by the end of December.  We agreed with them in prayer, too.  When April came around I knew that I wouldn't be holding a baby in my arms by the end of the year, but the chance of getting pregnant was still in my mind.  Month after month passed with nothing but fading hope.  As Christmas approached, my anxiety reached a peak.  A part of my bah-humbugness this holiday season was because a part of me really wanted for all those prayers to be true and end up pregnant by the end of the year.  I knew when December started that I would only have one more chance before the new year to be with child. 

On Thursday, December 22, I knew that I was going to have two days before I would find out if my Christmas miracle was going to happen because Aunt Flo was supposed to visit on the 24th.  The 24th came around and nothing happened.  As did the 25, 26, 27 and 28.  That's right, I was on day 4 of having a missed period.  Man oh man did I have a billion thoughts going through my mind.  Was I pregnant?  If I wasn't, where were the horrible cramps that I always get?  Should I even consider the possibility of being pregnant after knowing that we have both female/male infertility?!?!  I was going crazy. 

I woke up this morning with pain from what felt like a horrible PCOS flareup, but to no avail it wasn't.  It was good ole' Aunt Flo.  Apparently she thought it a hoot to visit 5 days later than she was supposed to and mess with my mind and my heart.  The Alicia I've become over the last few months would have said "life sucks, this totally isn't fair, and I just wanna wallow in self pity because I can't have babies and I have to start a new year empty handed AGAIN!!!"  Although, the Alicia I want to be in 2012 says something quite different. 

The Alicia I will be in 2012 will be one that finds some sort of positive out of every circumstance no matter how heart-wrenching it is.  So, since I plan on implementing this in 2012, I figured I would start now..  I mean, heck, the new year starts in a few days why not start the new me a few days earlier, right?!?!

My new view on my current situation is this....

• Maybe God has something wonderful planned for us this coming year that couldn't happen if we had children.
• Maybe the fact that AF showed, it allows for us to do IVF within the first few months of 2012 and possibly end up with those twin babies I've ALWAYS wanted!
• Maybe we'll be be able to use our journey to help someone with all the experience we've had during this infertility journey.

The bottom line is that I am determined to be a survivor.  In 2012, I want to restore my faith, live a productive, meaningful life, and hopefully (god-willing) have a baby!!!