Friday, December 30, 2011

Finding the good in the bad

When I first let my church know at the beginning of the year that I was having problems conceiving, everyone agreed that they would pray that I would be pregnant or would have already given birth by the end of December.  We agreed with them in prayer, too.  When April came around I knew that I wouldn't be holding a baby in my arms by the end of the year, but the chance of getting pregnant was still in my mind.  Month after month passed with nothing but fading hope.  As Christmas approached, my anxiety reached a peak.  A part of my bah-humbugness this holiday season was because a part of me really wanted for all those prayers to be true and end up pregnant by the end of the year.  I knew when December started that I would only have one more chance before the new year to be with child. 

On Thursday, December 22, I knew that I was going to have two days before I would find out if my Christmas miracle was going to happen because Aunt Flo was supposed to visit on the 24th.  The 24th came around and nothing happened.  As did the 25, 26, 27 and 28.  That's right, I was on day 4 of having a missed period.  Man oh man did I have a billion thoughts going through my mind.  Was I pregnant?  If I wasn't, where were the horrible cramps that I always get?  Should I even consider the possibility of being pregnant after knowing that we have both female/male infertility?!?!  I was going crazy. 

I woke up this morning with pain from what felt like a horrible PCOS flareup, but to no avail it wasn't.  It was good ole' Aunt Flo.  Apparently she thought it a hoot to visit 5 days later than she was supposed to and mess with my mind and my heart.  The Alicia I've become over the last few months would have said "life sucks, this totally isn't fair, and I just wanna wallow in self pity because I can't have babies and I have to start a new year empty handed AGAIN!!!"  Although, the Alicia I want to be in 2012 says something quite different. 

The Alicia I will be in 2012 will be one that finds some sort of positive out of every circumstance no matter how heart-wrenching it is.  So, since I plan on implementing this in 2012, I figured I would start now..  I mean, heck, the new year starts in a few days why not start the new me a few days earlier, right?!?!

My new view on my current situation is this....
  • Maybe God has something wonderful planned for us this coming year that couldn't happen if we had children.
  • Maybe the fact that AF showed, it allows for us to do IVF within the first few months of 2012 and possibly end up with those twin babies I've ALWAYS wanted!
  • Maybe we'll be be able to use our journey to help someone with all the experience we've had during this infertility journey.
The bottom line is that I am determined to be a survivor.  In 2012, I want to restore my faith, live a productive, meaningful life, and hopefully (god-willing) have a baby!!!


  1. Girlfriend, I will pray with you! Who knows what God will accomplish in 2012???

  2. I started crying while I read this. You are so strong. I pray you'll have the most wonderful, amazing year :0)

  3. P. S. My blog just got disabled. Good times. I hope it will come back like yours did.
    They disabled my gmail too. :(

  4. Here's my other email:

  5. I'm so sorry that you're going through this! What an awful trick for your period to play on you. I'm sending as many good vibes your way as I could muster up. <3

  6. visiting from Melynda's blog. I'll be back, I am an infertility survivor, I had a daughter through IVF almost 19 years ago. I still remember the pain.

  7. Melynda sent me to you because she is one of the Lord's angels. I shall follow you and pray for you; I hope you will follow me, and I will give you the giggles, or perhaps you'll enjoy the poetry I post occasionally.

    My dearest love to you from your very badly behaved sister Christian,

    Lola, loved by God in spite of being on the naughty list for years

  8. Dear Alicia Marie,

    My heart is aching for you. I will add you to my prayer list. Your positive attitude is powerful. It's so difficult for us to see God's plan for our lives. We can't know, we can only keep on keeping on.

    My niece struggled with infertility for five years, then her husband died of a diabetic seizure. She wished for a baby so desperately, and was denied.

    Three years later, her faith is ever stronger. She doesn't know why she has had to suffer as she did, but she trusts God and the plan He has for her life. (not without many tears)

    As you trust God, may you be richly blessed.

  9. I would be proud to have such a powerful positive attitude. My prayers are with you. God willing you will have the good news in 2012. However I would relax as it is only when you are relaxed you might be able to see the miracle. Take care of yourself. Enjoy the New Year.

  10. Oh no :( I hate when AF decides to be meaner than usual. It's just so unfair. I'm so sorry that you didn't get your good news.
    Last night I was trying to understand why our father in heaven has done the things he's done. I tried to understand why I lost 3 babies, but am carrying a healthy one now. Why was this his timing? What was his plan? I know it's impossible to figure out how he works, but it's always important to remember that he is perfect, his plan is perfect, and his timing is perfect.
    One of the things that hit me was that if I never had any mc's, I probably would have never started a blog. I would have never met such amazing women like you!! I am thankful to have met you Alicia, and I will keep you in my prayers.
    I'm so positive that the Lord has some great things in store for you!! Good for you for keeping your chin up until then!

  11. You're definitely in my prayers and your resolutions for the New Year are noble. I wish you all the best my dear. God's plan and timing is never when we want it or think it should happen. Usually it's much later but I think that's because we have a hard time recognizing miracles until we are absolutely desperate for them. I lost a niece or nephew to miscarriage and countless of my friends and family have gone through it as well. It is heartbreaking and something I fear one day going through but one thing that I find helpful is just to remind myself that ALL things are created for God's glory. Not just babies and toddlers but all things. That means fetuses. It's not easy to see the glory and sometimes we may not even see it but having the faith that it's true is something I find helpful. I hope you have a wonderful New Year and I look forward to see how wonderfully God works in your life over 2012!


Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...