Tomorrow

I go back to the doctor tomorrow for the trans-vaginal ultrasound. 

I know what they're going to find--cysts.  But, I'd give anything for them to lube up the wand (let's pretend the lube/wand are magical), insert it...and *bippity-boppity-boo!* they find a baby in the midst of those popcorn looking ovaries of mine.  That would make for an incredibly happy Alicia. 

So yeah, that's all for now.

Blah.............

An (almost) all-nighter....again!

The past three nights I have been up working on my Statistics homework until 1 and 2 o'clock in the morning.  The only reason I went to bed at those times is because if I didn't, I was going to pass out with pen in hand.  If it wasn't bad enough that I'm awake at un-godly hours, I have been getting up at 5:30 a.m. to FINISH the homework I didn't get done the night before.  Yeah, it's time consuming.

I feel like I've lost control of my life, and I'm creating an entire new life the next month or so.  With a quiz every Tuesday-Friday, and an Exam on Mondays, I have a lot of information to cram into this brain of mine.  It's definitely information overload! 

Here's to random doctor's information.  I called my gyno to see if he received the results of my blood work from the Endocrinologist.  He had.  They informed me that my Testosterone levels went through the roof in just one month.  When I was referred to the Endo, I was slightly above the Abnormal range.  This time, the Endo's office reported that my levels were almost quadruple the previous test a month prior.  Crazy, huh?  I don't know what's going on in my body.  It definitely makes me wonder if there's something worse than PCOS.  Why else would my levels go so high in a months span?  I hadn't taken any new medicines.  I wasn't doing anything differently.  Well, I don't know.  I suppose I'll never get all the answers I want, will I? 

I better get off here.  I've been purposely avoiding my statistics homework because I've seen so many numbers in the past three days to last me a lifetime! 

I hope everyone is happy that Friday is VERY near!  I know I am!

Blessings,
Alicia Marie

I love soggy cereal...

Despite the title, this post is not about eating soggy cereal, although I am.  Quickly, let me explain.  I let my cereal sit in a bowl of milk for a few minutes before I eat it.  I hate crunchy cereal.  The crunch reminds me of the too familiar sound of dying grasshoppers underneath my husbands shoe.  Yes, I know this is a stupid thing to relate cereal to, but I can't help it.  We've killed so many grasshoppers in our house that every time I hear a crunch it grosses me out.  Seriously!

Anyway, the whole point of this post was to tell you that I did it again.  I called the Endocrinologist this morning to see if they could get me an appointment any sooner than June 15.  It worked.  She got me an early appointment for next Tuesday, June 7.  I am beyond thrilled with my appointment changing skills.  It's not that I wasn't satisfied with my last appointment change, but it landed on a day and time that I was supposed to be in my Summer Statistics class.  I really didn't want to miss a class, so luckily there was an opening before then at a time that does not interfere with anything I have to do!

Today is Tuesday, and we are SUPPOSED to have a phone interview with a lady from Angel Adoption.  We've had the appointment scheduled for two weeks (basically after I found out that I have PCOS).  I'm scared that if I do get pregnant that it's going to end in another miscarriage, and I don't want that.  I don't want to live in fear that I could loose my child.  We've talked about adoption on and off over the last six months, but the reality of it possibly happening didn't occur until my ultrasound a few weeks ago.  I don't know if we'll end up talking with the lady or not.  When I set up the phone meeting for today, I was expecting to have to wait almost three months before I could see the Endocrinologist.  Everything moved so quickly that I am beginning to wonder if we should wait it out to see what the doctor says he can do for me.

Well, I hadn't planned to mention the adoption thing, but it happened.  So there you go.  There's the latest update.

Clarification....

I think some people may have misunderstood what I have said in my blogs over the past week.  So, allow me to explain.

Last Monday when I was diagnosed with PCOS, I was devastated.  I was really hoping that the doctor would reveal to me that he knows what's wrong with me AND that he could fix it.  Well, that didn't happen.  Instead, he told me that I have PCOS and there's no cure.  Sure, he's gonna have me go to an endocrinologist, but that doesn't guarantee that I will be able to conceive.  

I'm still grieving from the news.  I always thought it would be easy to get pregnant because my desire to be a mom stems back from when I was a little kid.  I realize that PCOS is treatable and that medications can be taken to help balance hormones, but that's not always the case with everyone.  Depending on how severe ones symptoms are, it determines the chances of conceiving.  

Just because I'm young doesn't mean that I'll be able to conceive a child (or that I can't).  I honestly don't want to hear that I have many years a head of me to try to have a child of my own.  Yes, time is on my side, but that doesn't guarantee that I'll be able to conceive!  Who wants to hear statements like that?  If there was something I could do that would allow women who want children of their own to be able to conceive the first month they try, I would do it!  No one WANTS to wait years for the missing piece of their heart!  NO ONE!  So don't make me feel like my raw emotions are a bad thing.  I reserve the right to feel down at times if I want to.  It's my body that's failing us.  I have reason to cry about this. 

So, forgive me for saying this, but age doesn't matter.  Infertility effects all kinds of women (and men).  Infertility does NOT care how old you are, what your skin color is, or where you live....IT JUST HAPPENS...

So please be kind, and think before you speak.  

*Dun*Dun*Dun*

I finally got a call from the nurse at Dr. M's office....Let's just say I am NOT a happy camper right now. 

The blood work they took on Monday came back abnormal, so now I have to see and Endocrinologist.  Supposedly I can't get any more fertility meds until they figure out the underlying problem with my hormones.  So, the nurse said she was going to call the endocrinologists office first thing Monday morning to set up and appointment for me to see him.  I was okay with that until she said the following words, "I'm just warning you, it usually takes a long time to get into the endocrinologist.  It'll probably be July or August before they can get you in."  Talk about jaw hitting the floor!  I waited 3 rounds of Provera to get the U/S that he promised me, and now I have to wait another 2-3 months to see the endocrinologist???!!!  I was/am N-O-T happy.  I told the nurse that the doctor said that if I don't get on any meds before the 28th that he said they would prescribe Provera again so that AF would keep showing up on a monthly routine.  So, at least she agreed to that.

So, let's recap:

• I won't get into the Endocrinologist for another 2-3
• Chances are they'll put me on meds for another 2-3 months to fix (currently) unknown problem with my hormones
• Hopefully I'll get to go back to the GYN after hormones get fixed.
• So let's do the math:
• (aprox) 2.5 + (approx) 2.5= (approx) 5 months before I can get on more meds to help me ovulate.

I think it's time we check for male factor infertility too.  If it comes back that there are issues with both of us, I just want to start the adoption process.

This is too much

Overwhelming. 

I don't want to talk about it any more.

Aftermath of the doctors visit...

With saddened hearts, Luke and I made our way back to our car after the doctors appointment.  As soon as I sat in the car, I  pulled out my phone and called my mom.  During the appointment I had received a text from both my mom and dad asking me to call when I got out.  Since moms text was first, I called her.  I told her what the doctor said and all the sudden the line went silent.  I know it must have been hard for her to hear what I told her.  I can only imagine what it's like being a mom that's 5 hours away and can't be there for her little girl when she needs her the most.  I sensed the sadness in her voice after she heard the news.  We talked for a few minutes then I let her go.  I knew that I had to get away from the doctors building before I lost it.

I slowly made my way out of the parking lot and then on to one of the main streets in Springfield.  I drove around for what seemed like forever before I finally turned to Luke and asked him where I was supposed to be going.  As I told you before I very much dislike driving around town in traffic and not know where my destination is.  In his attempt at making me feel better, Luke said that I could choose anywhere I wanted to eat for lunch.  Since I was on the south side of town, I chose to go to Cheddars.  I had never been to Cheddars, but I have heard many good things about the restaurant, so I thought I would try it.  After looking over the menu, I decided on a half rack of Honey BBQ ribs and a (what ended up being ) tiny piece of steak.  I know you probably don't care about what I chose to eat, but I promise that I'm telling you this for a reason.  We received our food and began to eat.  The flavor of the ribs were amazing, and I began to chow down.  I told Luke that we may have just gotten bad news, but at least we can enjoy a great meal!  Oh boy was I wrong...on my part that is.  I had only gotten half way through my half rack of ribs when I realized that my mouth felt funny.  I finished the food in my mouth and immediately I realized something was different.  While devouring the delicious ribs, a tooth towards the back of my mouth had broken off...IN HALF!  I had a small cavity, but I thought it wasn't a big deal because it was very small.  But, within the first few minutes of eating our food that little cavity became a huge hole in my mouth.  I was SO grossed out.  I asked the waitress for a box and left.  Was it not bad enough that had a bad doctors appointment?  Could we not have eaten a really good meal to help "comfort" us during our hurt?  Obviously not!  So then I was the girl with PCOS AND a gaping hole at the back of her mouth!

We left and I was pretty upset.  It just seemed like nothing was going right.  All I wanted to do was get home and crawl into my King sized bed and sleep until this horrible dream was over!  Well, I didn't want to be rude, so I asked Luke what he wanted to do next.  He then replied with, "I don't know" which allowed me the excuse to go home!  I made my towards our home when all the sudden I hear, "I know what we can do."  I sighed and asked, "what can we do?"  I think I should have just pretended that I didn't hear him, but being the wife I am, I HAD to have a response.  He then proceeded to tell me that "we can go to walmart to buy a present for the couple at our church who had a baby shower."  We had forgotten to buy a present for them, so WHY NOT go purchase baby things for someone else right after we were told I have PCOS and that it will be EVEN HARDER to conceive our own child.  Needless to say, that upset me.  I was in the middle of telling him that I just wanted to go home and not go anywhere when traffic began to get backed up.  By the time our car had caught up with the stalled traffic, we were DIRECTLY in front of Babies R Us.  Talk about obnoxious!  The worst part is that we had to sit there for what seemed like an hour (it was really 5 minutes), but it was TOO long!

So, let's recap my day on Monday.

1. Diagnosed with PCOS
2. Broke a tooth in half while eating lunch and didn't get to finish even a quarter of my meal at the restaurant.  
3. It was suggested to me that we should buy BABY items for someone else while I'm distraught about my diagnosis. 
4. Our car gets stuck in 5 o'clock traffic on Monday afternoon directly in front of Babies R Us!

Talk about a horrible day!  No wonder I wasn't able to write anything substantial in my blog the other day when I got home.  I think that I have pretty much covered Monday's doctor appointment.

The Doctors visit....

Here comes the post that I dreaded writing from the moment I looked at the images of my ultrasound on the flat screen TV. 

I laid on the table as the "probe" began to beam its light throughout my insides.  The images of my organs flashed on the screen next to me.  The lady began to press the keys of the keyboard frantically.  The constant clicking of the keys panicked me as I began to wonder why she was hitting so many buttons.  Was there something so wrong that she had to repeatedly capture images of it?  My immense curiosity got the best of me, and I peeked over my shoulder.  About the time I looked over she said, "you can watch it on the screen in front of you.  There in front of me (I have NO idea how I didn't know it was there--even Luke was watching it) was a flat screen TV that showed the images I had hoped I would never see.

As my eyes were making their way to the screen, I heard the lady say, "now I'm gonna take a look at your ovaries."  At that exact moment, my eyes met the screen, and I saw it!  I saw the dots all over my ovaries.  Of course, I had looked at so many pictures online of PCOS that I knew what I was looking at (poor Luke had no idea).  My ovaries were riddled with cysts.  My heart began to pound and I looked at Luke (and before the lady said anything to us) I said, "I called it..."  The lady then proceeded to ask me if I had ever been diagnosed with PCOS and I said, "no, but I self-diagnosed it after I started doing research about it."  I asked her if she thought it was PCOS and she just nodded her head.  Before I knew it the ultrasound was over (it only took about six minutes), and we were sent back out into the waiting room.

We had to wait in the waiting room until we were called back into an empty room.  There, we waited some more.  Finally, after twenty minutes of waiting, the doctor came in and asked us to follow him to his office.  He then showed us the still images of the ultrasound and showed Luke where the cysts were.  He told me that he wanted to get some blood taken and run a test on my androgen levels.  He then said that he would consult an endocrinologist about the next steps to take.  Depending on the results of the blood work (which I am SUPPOSED to have by Friday), I may or may not have to personally see the endocrinologist.  If the levels come back low, the doctor will just consult the other physician.  If they're really high, I'll have to go to some appointments and follow what the endocrinologist says to do in order to fix my levels before Dr. M will put me on ovulation meds (probably Clomid).

So, I'll know more Friday as to what the next step in this journey for me will be.  When I prepared myself for getting diagnosed with PCOS, I thought I would be able to handle it well.  I mean, why not prepare for the worst case scenario?  I had previously done research on things that caused infertility and found out about PCOS.  I'm glad that I did because I don't think that I would have been able to handle it today had I not known about it in advance.  There is a B-I-G difference in self-diagnosing ones self and mentally preparing for the worst and actually SEEING what's causing the issue of fertility and then HEARING the doctor confirm it!  The best way to describe it is like having your parents tell you that Santa Claus doesn't exist and you try to prepare yourself for those nice big presents to not be under the tree when you wake up on Christmas morning.  So, when Christmas morning comes around you wake up and run to the living room (because you secretly WANT Santa to be real) and there are no big presents under the tree.  Your parents were right.  The sheer disappointment.  The gut wrenching pain of knowing that no matter how hard you tried to prepare yourself for that moment, it hurt more than you could ever imagine.  Dreams began to die.  Hope began to fade.  Life as you once knew it was now CHANGED! 

This is my new life.  Trying to conceive with PCOS!

How can four letters hurt so much--Dr. update!

It's confirmed.....

PCOS

Mine had A LOT more cysts than this one AND on BOTH of my ovaries....  :'(

I'm not going into the details of my appointment yet.  I'm kind of numb right now.  I just want to curl up in a ball (because I'm having some pain in my pelvic area) and cry myself to sleep.  Here's a video for those of you wondering what PCOS is.