Monday, May 16, 2011

It took all I had in me....

Sunday at church we had a baby dedication.  I'll be the first to admit, baby dedications are great.  They're sweet and sentimental.  It's a great experience for the family of the baby.  As sweet and adorable as it was to watch the dedication, it was even harder to watch it without breaking down in front of everyone.

I'm genuinely happy for this couple on the birth of their son, but it took all I had in me (and strength from the Lord) not to weep uncontrollably during the service.  As I watched the family stare and smile and the little boy in admiration, an overwhelming amount of jealousy swept over me.  That could have been me and Luke up there.  It should have been me and Luke...(yes, I know this is very wrong and I promise that I asked the Lord to forgive me afterwards), but all I could think about was how unfair it is that we're left empty handed.  The people I know that started trying to have baby at the same time as Luke and myself already have their little bundles of joy.  Where's ours?  Where's the baby that I've been praying for for years? **Yes, I prayed for my future child(ren) when I was younger. I also prayed for my future husband too--ya know, that God would send the perfect one to me and protect and bless Him**  Anyway...It just seemed very unfair.
Oh, and to top it off, we had a baby shower after church.  HA!  I seriously almost had to leave because it was too much to handle in one day.  I watched as they pulled toys for the baby out of bags and unwrapped packages of clothes for him.  Talk about overwhelming.  Oh, and the funny thing is...when they opened boxes that contained diapers and wipes, I even said to myself that "I would give anything to change dirty diapers...I would change them all day long if that meant I had a child to call my own".
All the mothers out there are probably thinking how crazy I sound and how it's harder than I could ever imagine to become a mom, but I'm not that naive.  I know it's not going to be an easy task being a mom.  I never said it was going to be.  But, my guess is that if you don't understand why I feel the way I do...you've probably never faced what I (and many other beautiful women) are going through.  I promise that I'll be the best mom I can be, but all I long for is the chance.  Without that chance of becoming a mom, I'll never know what it's like to be someones parent.  

I'm gonna stop this post here.  I've probably said too much anyway.

4 comments:

  1. I can't imagine what you're going through . . . I really can't. It must be so hard.

    I'm praying for you though, that somehow God will make sense of all this.

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  2. You're a stronger woman than I am. I've had to walk out of the santuary to get tissues or sit there with tears rolling down my face plenty of times. I didn't even go on Mother's Day. I felt bad, but I just couldn't.

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  3. I have had to step out of many baby showers. Don't feel bad. This is hard stuff that we are dealing with. I hope you get your BFP soon!

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  4. Alicia, Just know as we do concerning everything that Jordan is going that GOD IS IN CONTROL and ALL THINGS WORK TOGETHER FOR GOOD TO THEM THAT LOVE THE LORD!! I will pray that your prayers will be answered SOON!!!

    Dianne Barnes
    Jordan's mom

    ReplyDelete

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