Sunday, May 15, 2011

Not gonna lie...

I'm scared.  I've told you before that I'm scared of the unknown, and with this ultrasound tomorrow, it's definitely an unknown.  I don't know what they're going to find during the ultrasound.  I don't know what treatment(s) I'll be doing after it's over.  Personally, I'm scared that some lady is going to stick a "probe" up me and look at my insides.  It almost seems un-natural.  Isn't there a reason God put them on the INSIDE of our bodies?  YES, THERE IS!  It's so we don't have to look at them!!! 

Anyway, I am ready to get this over with.  It looks like I'll be able to take care of that ridiculous bill after all.  I called so many times and pleaded with them that they are allowing me to break the payment up into smaller portions.  That's a relief!  I really feel that after this ultrasound I'll be able to accept things a little easier.  If everything comes back okay, I'll probably stay on meds to regulate AF and eventually get pregnant.  If the doctor sees something abnormal, at least I'll know what's causing the issues, and I won't feel as if I'm a loser wife who can't provide a child for her husband (even though I probably will still feel that way at times).  At least I'll be able to (hopefully) treat what ever is wrong (or know EXACTLY what to pray about).

I've found it incredibly hard to pray lately because I don't know what to say.  I know that God knows what I think and feel, even when I don't have the words to say out loud, but it's been so hard to pray.  I think it's mainly because I don't have a specific "problem" that's causing my issues.  It's all up in the air right now.  Hopefully after the appointment Monday, that issue will be resolved, and I'll be able to express what I want to more easily.

I only picked this picture because it was kinda creepy!  lol.


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