An (almost) all-nighter....again!

The past three nights I have been up working on my Statistics homework until 1 and 2 o'clock in the morning.  The only reason I went to bed at those times is because if I didn't, I was going to pass out with pen in hand.  If it wasn't bad enough that I'm awake at un-godly hours, I have been getting up at 5:30 a.m. to FINISH the homework I didn't get done the night before.  Yeah, it's time consuming.

I feel like I've lost control of my life, and I'm creating an entire new life the next month or so.  With a quiz every Tuesday-Friday, and an Exam on Mondays, I have a lot of information to cram into this brain of mine.  It's definitely information overload! 

Here's to random doctor's information.  I called my gyno to see if he received the results of my blood work from the Endocrinologist.  He had.  They informed me that my Testosterone levels went through the roof in just one month.  When I was referred to the Endo, I was slightly above the Abnormal range.  This time, the Endo's office reported that my levels were almost quadruple the previous test a month prior.  Crazy, huh?  I don't know what's going on in my body.  It definitely makes me wonder if there's something worse than PCOS.  Why else would my levels go so high in a months span?  I hadn't taken any new medicines.  I wasn't doing anything differently.  Well, I don't know.  I suppose I'll never get all the answers I want, will I? 

I better get off here.  I've been purposely avoiding my statistics homework because I've seen so many numbers in the past three days to last me a lifetime! 

I hope everyone is happy that Friday is VERY near!  I know I am!

Blessings,
Alicia Marie

The Endocrinologist...

Today was my appointment with the Endocrinologist.  Luke and I waited in the waiting room for about 10-15 minutes before they called me to a back room.  The nurse went through what seemed like tons of questions because I was new to their office.  Eventually, she left and told the doctor that I was ready to see him.  After the nurse left, we waited another 15 minutes before the doctor finally came in.  He spoke with an accent that was incredibly hard to understand.  I had to zone into every syllable he said in order to comprehend what he was trying to tell or ask me. 

He asked me some more questions that the nurse prior to him had not asked.  So, to make a long story short, he's putting me on Metformin permanently.  He said that he could put me on tons of medicines, but none of them would work like excessive exercise and dieting would.  So, he said for the next four months, take the Metformin and do AT LEAST 60 minutes of excessive exercise a day.  He said that the Metformin should help me balance the hormones out and help me loose weight.  Also, he said that since we're trying to get pregnant, he hopes that Dr. M will put me on Clomid because it might help get me pregnant.  When he said that, Luke's ears perked up.  So, Luke asked him, "what is the percentage (if EVERYTHING levels out and she looses some weight and Dr. M puts her on Clomid) that she will conceive?"  The Dr. replied, "with just diet, exercise, and Metformin, she's looking at only 20-30%....if she gets on Clomid too, it may bump it up to 40-50%."  With AF being so sporadic, he said it's almost impossible, especially since I'm not ovulatin.  My heart sank.  50% AT BEST....That's not even good odds for me getting pregnant if everything happened with its best case scenario. 

My dreams of bearing my own child are almost gone.  I know it's not the end of the world, but it's a very hard road to travel.  We've got some important decisions to make very VERY soon.  I just hope that whatever we decide to do, EVERYONE will support us.  This journey has been long and exhausting.  We prayed for answers, and now we have them.  Where we go from here is undecided at the moment, but I just pray that the Lord gives me a peace that could only come from Him to make it through our decision.

Stay tuned folks, this next step will be a doozie!

Alicia Marie

It's Monday....again

The weekend went great!  Luke and I went to Carthage, MO to pick up the newest addition to our family, Jackson.  He's a Morkie (Maltese/Yorkshire Terrier).  He has brought us so much joy in the past few days.  My in-laws love him too!

 We also made a trip to Joplin, MO to see the tornado damage first hand.  All I have to say is that it's unreal.  The amount of debris everywhere is overwhelming.  Houses were literally GONE off the foundation.

A home literally swept off of its foundation.  I'm blessed.

I think, judging by the strewn out wheelchairs, that this used to be the nursing home.This breaks my heart.

I also cut a foot of my hair off.  Yes, a foot!  I was going to donate it to locks of love, but the lady said it was an inch too short.  :(

Before (even though you can't see how long it really was)

After

  Today is the beginning a very busy week, and it's only going to get busier! 

•  Monday- Work, meeting at Evangel, buy book for Summer class
• Tuesday- Endocrinologist appointment, work, Composition class
• Wednesday- Work, Church, homework
• Thursday- Work, Composition class
• Friday- Work

I won't even begin to tell you how busy I'll be next week thru July 30.  Oh the joys of taking two Summer classes (Statistics and Composition).

I'm so ready for my appointment tomorrow.  I just want to move on with life, and I'm hoping that this doctor will help me do that, one way or another.

I better get ready for what my day has in store for me!  Until next time, So long!

Alicia Marie 

A Fork In the Road

There's always a point in our lives where there seems to be a fork in the road.  One path seems very hopeful, and the other seems uncertain.  Luke and I have hit our fork in the road.  I told you about the amazing opportunity we have been given to join Angel Adoption and adopt a child.  This is the (partially) hopeful part of our fork in life.  Of course we want a child to call our own, but the money for this is definitely intimidating.  We're looking at over $14,000 just in advertising fees.  That number isn't including the $1,000 home study fee, and the attorney and court fees of approximately $2,500.  In the end, we're looking at about $20,000.  That's a lot of money.  Nothing I own is even worth $20,000.  We feel that the Lord has opened the door to adoption (based on the odds of getting chosen to be one of the 6 couples a month out of the entire U.S. who apply).  We're trusting that God will help us come up with at least the initial $14,000 for the agency fee, if not the entire $20,000.  We're talking about a lot of faith here.  I know that the Lord can provide that kind of money; He has done it before.  When I first came to Evangel University, I had no scholarships, and I had to come up with close to $20,000 in loans.  He provided.  Not only did he do it once, but TWICE while at Evangel.  I know it can be done as long as it is His will for our lives. 

The other path of this fork is the natural way; the way we initially wanted.  Why my ovaries are riddled with cysts, and I can't get pregnant, much less ovulate, on my own is beyond my understanding.  I've tried to understand why this has happened to us, but I can't.  I want to be able to bear my own child, but that possibility has grown darker with each passing month.  Of course, I still have my Endocrinologist appointment on Tuesday, but I do not see a light at the end of this tunnel.  I've prayed all my life for my future child(ren), and I can't seem to produce one; how ironic.  I would give anything to walk into the Endo's office on Tuesday and hear him tell me that there is 100% chance of getting pregnant, but, honestly, I don't see that happening.  I have put so much faith in getting pregnant over the last (almost) 11 months that I'm worn.  My faith in this path of life seems to have almost diminished.

I'm torn.  I do have faith that the Lord will provide one way or the other, but which way He decides is beyond me.  I know He's faithful.  I need help.  I need prayers.  And most importantly, if adoption is the path that the Lord has paved for us, I need funding.   I joked with Luke a few nights ago about putting a "DONATE" button on my blog for the "Hartley Adoption Fund."  I know only a small amount of people read my blog and no one would donate for this, but sometimes it doesn't hurt to dream, right?

So, I guess what I'm getting at is that helpful suggestions are welcome, but please please PLEASE do NOT tell me that I'm young and I can wait.  I do NOT want nor need to hear those kind of things.  I need positive, reaffirming suggestions and comments 

I love soggy cereal...

Despite the title, this post is not about eating soggy cereal, although I am.  Quickly, let me explain.  I let my cereal sit in a bowl of milk for a few minutes before I eat it.  I hate crunchy cereal.  The crunch reminds me of the too familiar sound of dying grasshoppers underneath my husbands shoe.  Yes, I know this is a stupid thing to relate cereal to, but I can't help it.  We've killed so many grasshoppers in our house that every time I hear a crunch it grosses me out.  Seriously!

Anyway, the whole point of this post was to tell you that I did it again.  I called the Endocrinologist this morning to see if they could get me an appointment any sooner than June 15.  It worked.  She got me an early appointment for next Tuesday, June 7.  I am beyond thrilled with my appointment changing skills.  It's not that I wasn't satisfied with my last appointment change, but it landed on a day and time that I was supposed to be in my Summer Statistics class.  I really didn't want to miss a class, so luckily there was an opening before then at a time that does not interfere with anything I have to do!

Today is Tuesday, and we are SUPPOSED to have a phone interview with a lady from Angel Adoption.  We've had the appointment scheduled for two weeks (basically after I found out that I have PCOS).  I'm scared that if I do get pregnant that it's going to end in another miscarriage, and I don't want that.  I don't want to live in fear that I could loose my child.  We've talked about adoption on and off over the last six months, but the reality of it possibly happening didn't occur until my ultrasound a few weeks ago.  I don't know if we'll end up talking with the lady or not.  When I set up the phone meeting for today, I was expecting to have to wait almost three months before I could see the Endocrinologist.  Everything moved so quickly that I am beginning to wonder if we should wait it out to see what the doctor says he can do for me.

Well, I hadn't planned to mention the adoption thing, but it happened.  So there you go.  There's the latest update.

I'm just THAT good!

     After I wrote the post the other day about my Endocrinologist appointment being August 15, I decided that I would take a chance and begin bugging the doctors office about getting me in sooner.  When I called, I expected to hear that there were no new openings that I could get into, but that was NOT the case.  

     I told the lady on the phone my name, and when my appointment was, and that I wanted to see if there was an earlier time I could get in to see the doctor.  She asked me to wait a minute while she looked my file up.  It seemed like her search for open appointments went on and on, but finally I heard her voice.  She said, "I can get you in June 15 at 8:15."  I immediately (practically before she finished talking) blurted out, "I'll take it!!!"  She laughed and said, "you really wanted a closer appointment, didn't you?", and I said "yes, yes I did". 

     So, my Endocrinologist appointment was bumped up almost 9 weeks!!!  How cool is that?!?!  Now I only have to wait another 2 and 1/2 weeks for my appointment instead of almost 3 months.  

     I started Provera (again) yesterday.  For Luke's sake, I hope they get things straightened out and the Lord does a miracle in my body.  I don't know how many more months of EXTRA hormones raging through my body either of us can handle!

I think the picture below says it all!

I'm getting anxious!

While many of you ladies are in the midst of your TWW (two week wait), I am in the beginning of my 11ww.  Yes, I said 11.  The doctors office called, and I can't get into the Endocrinologist until August 11.  Although, the nurse said that I could call anytime and see if they have an opening before then.  So, I've decided that I'll call twice a week to see if I can get bumped up by at least a month!  It's worth the try, right?  I think so!  I bet the nurses at my doctors office are glad that I won't be calling them until after my Endocrinologist appointment.  I probably call them at least once (maybe twice) a week for something (and I'm not even pregnant yet).  Bless their hearts.  They're always so kind and patient with me.  

So, while I'm (im)patiently waiting for the Endocrinologist appointment, I've been ordered to take another two rounds of Provera.  The doctor said he didn't want AF to stop since she's been around the past 4 months (which NEVER happens).  Although Provera sends me into irrational rants, I believe it's a good choice to stay on it. 

I'll keep you updated on whether or not I get into the Endo sooner.  

Later!

Alicia Marie