Friday, June 3, 2011

A Fork In the Road

There's always a point in our lives where there seems to be a fork in the road.  One path seems very hopeful, and the other seems uncertain.  Luke and I have hit our fork in the road.  I told you about the amazing opportunity we have been given to join Angel Adoption and adopt a child.  This is the (partially) hopeful part of our fork in life.  Of course we want a child to call our own, but the money for this is definitely intimidating.  We're looking at over $14,000 just in advertising fees.  That number isn't including the $1,000 home study fee, and the attorney and court fees of approximately $2,500.  In the end, we're looking at about $20,000.  That's a lot of money.  Nothing I own is even worth $20,000.  We feel that the Lord has opened the door to adoption (based on the odds of getting chosen to be one of the 6 couples a month out of the entire U.S. who apply).  We're trusting that God will help us come up with at least the initial $14,000 for the agency fee, if not the entire $20,000.  We're talking about a lot of faith here.  I know that the Lord can provide that kind of money; He has done it before.  When I first came to Evangel University, I had no scholarships, and I had to come up with close to $20,000 in loans.  He provided.  Not only did he do it once, but TWICE while at Evangel.  I know it can be done as long as it is His will for our lives. 

The other path of this fork is the natural way; the way we initially wanted.  Why my ovaries are riddled with cysts, and I can't get pregnant, much less ovulate, on my own is beyond my understanding.  I've tried to understand why this has happened to us, but I can't.  I want to be able to bear my own child, but that possibility has grown darker with each passing month.  Of course, I still have my Endocrinologist appointment on Tuesday, but I do not see a light at the end of this tunnel.  I've prayed all my life for my future child(ren), and I can't seem to produce one; how ironic.  I would give anything to walk into the Endo's office on Tuesday and hear him tell me that there is 100% chance of getting pregnant, but, honestly, I don't see that happening.  I have put so much faith in getting pregnant over the last (almost) 11 months that I'm worn.  My faith in this path of life seems to have almost diminished.

I'm torn.  I do have faith that the Lord will provide one way or the other, but which way He decides is beyond me.  I know He's faithful.  I need help.  I need prayers.  And most importantly, if adoption is the path that the Lord has paved for us, I need funding.   I joked with Luke a few nights ago about putting a "DONATE" button on my blog for the "Hartley Adoption Fund."  I know only a small amount of people read my blog and no one would donate for this, but sometimes it doesn't hurt to dream, right?

So, I guess what I'm getting at is that helpful suggestions are welcome, but please please PLEASE do NOT tell me that I'm young and I can wait.  I do NOT want nor need to hear those kind of things.  I need positive, reaffirming suggestions and comments 



4 comments:

  1. I'm sorry Alicia. I really dont have any advice on what you should do. These are hard decisions. We are pretty much in the same boat as you trying to decide if we should continue with fertility treatments or move on to adoption. I'm hoping you get some good news on Tuesday. Ask a lot of questions and go from there. Fertility treatments and adoption both cost a lot of money. But $14 is a lot of money to come up with at once. Have you looked into adopting through foster care? Sending prayers your way.

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  2. One thing to remember is that God might not actually see this as a fork so much as a road with a median strip. Depending on your insurance coverage and how much it costs to address the PCOS, it could be possible for you to adopt and get pregnant both. God could be introducing two options because He intends to use both at different times.

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  3. Good luck to you and He will help you! It's kind of scary sometimes right? But somehow prayers are always answered!

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  4. I keep wondering if you're meant to adopt. It seems like God opened the door for you. They approved you really quickly.

    I hope you'll know in your heart what the right thing is to do. I'm praying for you. ;)

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