Go ahead, let your mouths hit the floor

Stupid title, I know, but it's exactly what I did when I made my NEWEST DECISION!  Because I am not a nice person, I'm going to hold off til tomorrow to let you know what I'm talking about.  

Love how I do that?  I force you to read this post, and I leave you hanging with no resolution just so you come back again tomorrow to read another post!  Ha!  

Hang in there, you'll live!

Come back tomorrow and find out what crazy thing I've done now!

--Alicia

This is pretty much what happened!

Change in plans

Wow.  Life the past year has been a whirlwind.  Between school, church, fertility testing, treatments, doctor appointments, work, and even more school, I believe I've experienced every emotion possible.  A month ago we made a decision to adopt.  It was a decision that we made to help reconcile the hurt we were feeling during the months of not conceiving.  Now I'm sitting here thinking about the future.  I'm thinking about our lives and where they will lead us knowing that what we're about to do is going to change our future. 

After a lot of consideration, Luke and I have made another decision.  I hope you're sitting down for this.  After talking again, we've decided to not pursue adoption.  Let me explain.  I have finally gained the closure I needed to be okay with not having a child of my own.  Yes, the desire will always be there, and I'll always want to parent a child, but I'm okay with it not being now...or even in the near future.  I think that the infertility testing and treatments have taken me through the faith testing that my heart needed to go through in order to put me in check for what the Lord really has in store for me.  After our decision to adopt, I began to wonder why the Lord has not allowed us to become parents.  In my spirit, I was quickened with a memory of my "other" dream...the dream that I've known I was called to fulfill since I was 11.

The call to missions has always burned in my heart right along side the dream of becoming a mother.  Both have fought one another in this process.  At times I thought to myself, "the Lord knows my desire to be a mom, and He'll be okay with me putting off doing my ministry until I'm a mom."  Ha!  I've learned it does NOT work that way.  Actually, it's quite amazing to think about.

I honestly believe that our decision to adopt WAS the right decision for us (at the time), especially me.  The Lord knew that I needed closure to the fleshly desires of becoming a mother to a child from my own womb.  He knew if I didn't have another avenue that allowed me to accept my incapability of bearing a child, I would never consent and do HIS will for my life now.

I'm not saying we won't ever adopt, but I hope that He (God) will perform a miracle in my life, and one day I'll be able to bear a child of my own.  Whether it's now or five years from now, I'm okay with it.  Had we decided to not try and have a baby a few months ago and focus on our ministries, I would have cried a river of ever flowing tears and thrown myself into some self absorbed depression.  But, I've finally arrived.  I've arrived at that point in my life where I no longer dwell on becoming a mother.  Now I genuinely am ready to see where God leads me.

I'm currently in the process of finishing my degree at Evangel University, and I will have that completed in a year and a half.  Luke is going to begin the process to become an ordained Assemblies of God pastor (he's already credentialed), and that will take a year.  So, during this time, I'm praying for open doors.  Open doors to fulfill my calling for humanitarian work (like Convoy of Hope).  I'll explain more about this in a future post.

I'm sorry I've been missing lately and this update has been long over due.  I hope all of you are well, and I promise I'll get back to daily postings soon!

Alicia Marie

A heavy heart....

Today was difficult.  I feel like my heart has been ripped into a million pieces.  If you care to know why, continue reading.

1. Today was my (favorite) church pianist's last day.  She's been playing at our church approximately 11 years, and I've been around her for the past two.  I've grown to love her, and she is a VERY dear friend of mine.  I basically held it together during the services, but as I told her goodbye in the parking lot tonight, tears began to flow down my cheeks.  I knew this day was coming, but I couldn't keep from getting emotional.  Not only has Pam been an amazing pianist to me during my days of leading worship, she has been an immense blessing to me.  She always has the most positive things to say to me to build me up in faith.  She's been there for me through my highs and lows, and I'm so appreciative of her.  I know you're reading this, Pam, and I want you to know grateful and blessed I feel to have you in my life!
2. Life is changing for me.  For Luke AND myself.  Decisions are being made that will possibly change my future, and it's scary.  I worry about what path this will lead us down.  If there's anything I dislike more than vegetables, it's not knowing what my future holds!  Stay tuned for the new update on our latest decision!  You're gonna wanna sit down to read it!
3. I wrote a blog a week or so ago about feeling like there's something greater out there for me.  I still feel this way.  The only difference is that the feeling has intensified.  I can't seem to shake off this feeling that I have.  I go to bed thinking about it and what could happen.  I wake up in the mornings thinking about it, too.  It seems to be a part of me that goes every where I go, yet it's so far away from me.  I can't pinpoint exactly what it is just yet, but I hope that I find out soon.  I'm going crazy.  Considering I'm the queen of Google (I Google everything!), I wish I could type in a few phrases, and it would tell me exactly what's going on with me and exactly what to do about it!

Well, before this post gets entirely depressing, I'd like to say how thankful I am that I'm blessed with such amazing, supportive, and loving friends!  I'm blessed beyond all measure!  As I've been reminded lately, "You're loved and cherished!"

The Endocrinologist...

Today was my appointment with the Endocrinologist.  Luke and I waited in the waiting room for about 10-15 minutes before they called me to a back room.  The nurse went through what seemed like tons of questions because I was new to their office.  Eventually, she left and told the doctor that I was ready to see him.  After the nurse left, we waited another 15 minutes before the doctor finally came in.  He spoke with an accent that was incredibly hard to understand.  I had to zone into every syllable he said in order to comprehend what he was trying to tell or ask me. 

He asked me some more questions that the nurse prior to him had not asked.  So, to make a long story short, he's putting me on Metformin permanently.  He said that he could put me on tons of medicines, but none of them would work like excessive exercise and dieting would.  So, he said for the next four months, take the Metformin and do AT LEAST 60 minutes of excessive exercise a day.  He said that the Metformin should help me balance the hormones out and help me loose weight.  Also, he said that since we're trying to get pregnant, he hopes that Dr. M will put me on Clomid because it might help get me pregnant.  When he said that, Luke's ears perked up.  So, Luke asked him, "what is the percentage (if EVERYTHING levels out and she looses some weight and Dr. M puts her on Clomid) that she will conceive?"  The Dr. replied, "with just diet, exercise, and Metformin, she's looking at only 20-30%....if she gets on Clomid too, it may bump it up to 40-50%."  With AF being so sporadic, he said it's almost impossible, especially since I'm not ovulatin.  My heart sank.  50% AT BEST....That's not even good odds for me getting pregnant if everything happened with its best case scenario. 

My dreams of bearing my own child are almost gone.  I know it's not the end of the world, but it's a very hard road to travel.  We've got some important decisions to make very VERY soon.  I just hope that whatever we decide to do, EVERYONE will support us.  This journey has been long and exhausting.  We prayed for answers, and now we have them.  Where we go from here is undecided at the moment, but I just pray that the Lord gives me a peace that could only come from Him to make it through our decision.

Stay tuned folks, this next step will be a doozie!

Alicia Marie