Steady my heart oh God...

I was beginning to get used to the idea of not trying to have my own child.  I was becoming happy with our decision, and everything was looking up, but something changed.  Something happened.  

Maybe it's my lack of sleep this past week, or maybe it's not, but all I know is that I feel....different.  I'm happy, yet I feel like there is a hole in my heart that can only be filled by one thing.  It's so hard to describe what I'm feeling.  It's very much overwhelming.  I have been accepting of our decision, and I know it's the right one for us at this point in our lives, so why do I feel like I'm missing something?

I often wonder if it's not the baby issue that's surfacing this void in my life.  I know that here have been points in my life where the Lord has placed something on my heart, and I think now might be one of those times.  I can't pinpoint exactly what it is that I feel that I need or even (possibly) want to do, but it's just there.  Maybe I'm crazy, but has anyone else felt an emptiness inside that could not be pinpointed to one specific reason?  

I know that I'm blessed beyond measure, and I feel that I am being a tad bit selfish, but I can't help it.  Something is missing in my life.  There is a void.  Maybe it's the baby issue, or maybe it's something greater than that, but it's incredibly emotionally exhausting.  

All I know is that I feel there is something greater for my life that has yet to come about.  Hopefully it is in the making, and it will reveal itself in due time.  I pray that it does.  I need it to.  I need to feel complete.

I know that this post is very random and sort of depressing, and for that I apologize.  I guess since I've been up late this week doing homework, I've had more time to myself to think about my life.  I hope no one gets the impression that I'm selfish because that is not my intention.  I've always been a planner since I have a fear of the unknown.  I guess this unknown in my life is getting to me.  

This is what I have been thinking about lately....

^{James 1:2-4}

² Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, ³ because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. ⁴ Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

Biggest Fears

Everyone has something that they're afraid of.  Whether it's big or small, we all have SOMETHING we fear (or worry about). 

Here is my list of my top 5 fears.

1. Loosing my husband, other family, or friends to death or anything else that this world throws at me.
2. Not becoming a mother.--It really has always been a HUGE fear in my life.  I always knew I'd get married, but being a mother I have no control over.
3. Hurting people unknowingly.--I would never want to hurt ANYONE, especially on purpose, but I'm always so cautious to give my opinions because I'm afraid of hurting someone.
4. Not accomplishing God's will for my life. (this should be number one)--I'm constantly wondering if the things I feel led to do are REALLY of God, or if it's an underlying desire of my heart.
5. Dying and leaving behind hurting family--The death part I'm not afraid of, it's the fact that I know I'll leave behind family and friends that love me and will hurt them by being gone from Earth forever.

What are YOUR fears in life?  Please feel free to comment back or even write a blog post about your fears in life.  

Love,

Alicia Marie