Friday, June 17, 2011

Steady my heart oh God...

I was beginning to get used to the idea of not trying to have my own child.  I was becoming happy with our decision, and everything was looking up, but something changed.  Something happened.  

Maybe it's my lack of sleep this past week, or maybe it's not, but all I know is that I feel....different.  I'm happy, yet I feel like there is a hole in my heart that can only be filled by one thing.  It's so hard to describe what I'm feeling.  It's very much overwhelming.  I have been accepting of our decision, and I know it's the right one for us at this point in our lives, so why do I feel like I'm missing something?

I often wonder if it's not the baby issue that's surfacing this void in my life.  I know that here have been points in my life where the Lord has placed something on my heart, and I think now might be one of those times.  I can't pinpoint exactly what it is that I feel that I need or even (possibly) want to do, but it's just there.  Maybe I'm crazy, but has anyone else felt an emptiness inside that could not be pinpointed to one specific reason?  

I know that I'm blessed beyond measure, and I feel that I am being a tad bit selfish, but I can't help it.  Something is missing in my life.  There is a void.  Maybe it's the baby issue, or maybe it's something greater than that, but it's incredibly emotionally exhausting.  

All I know is that I feel there is something greater for my life that has yet to come about.  Hopefully it is in the making, and it will reveal itself in due time.  I pray that it does.  I need it to.  I need to feel complete.

I know that this post is very random and sort of depressing, and for that I apologize.  I guess since I've been up late this week doing homework, I've had more time to myself to think about my life.  I hope no one gets the impression that I'm selfish because that is not my intention.  I've always been a planner since I have a fear of the unknown.  I guess this unknown in my life is getting to me.  

This is what I have been thinking about lately....

James 1:2-4

2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.


  1. hey girly.
    Yes I have felt that. I will say this I know that empty feeling and my guess is part of it at least is you want to hold a baby. Once you adopt and that baby is in your arms you will feel a peace. If it's something else then all I can say is trust in the lord and be patient. He will show you.

  2. Beautiful scripture. I remember reading those verses when I knew Zeke probably wouldn't live long. It's amazing how trials can build and make us better. I pray that God will bring peace to you and that you'll learn everything He wants you to gain from this.

    It's hard going through trials though, no matter what color we try painting it. (I can't imagine losing Zeke again--every time I read the beginning of my journal it's like being in a Groundhog Day nightmare. But then I keep reading and I remember why God had me go through it. In my case, it was to make me who I am, to bring me a child I could only hold three times, moments that would shape my life and make me more compassionate to those who have experienced loss.

    I can't imagine what you're going through, but I do know that God is there for you and you'll help many people who are going through this now and in the future. You're an amazing example of Jesus' love and I'm so glad I get to read your blog.

  3. I don't think it's selfish at all. The Lord put that feeling into your heart, and He will answer it, one way or another.


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