Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Bah Humbug

I'm definitely NOT into the whole Fa-la-la-la-la's of this year's Christmas season.  Honestly, if it were up to me, I'd acknowledge and be thankful for the birth of Christ, but other than that there wouldn't be any celebrations.  If I were able to see my parents more often, I'd opt out of going to their house, and I'd stay home in bed.  I would eat chocolate until my broken heart seemed content, and I would watch the Criminal Minds marathon that comes on every Sunday. 

As I tried explaining, through tears, to Luke last night....I just don't want to do anything.  This whole anti-social part of me doesn't only show up when a holiday rolls around.  It's all the time.  Seriously.  I don't want to do anything.  I don't want to go anywhere, and I definitely don't want to be around people. 

I think I've come to the conclusion that it is BEYOND time for me to see a counselor.  I can't seem to get out of this slump.  There's so many things I need to work through in order to feel like a normal, loving human being again.  They say the first step is admitting that one has a problem, so here I am.  I have a problem.  Heck, I have a lot of problems.  I have no issue with admitting that, but my biggest problem is one that I cannot do anything about.  I cannot magically make a baby, like so many others it seems, just by having sex.  It's not possible. 

I have been telling myself for months now that I am ready for 2011 to be over, but last night I got to thinking about it.  Aunt Flo visited me Thanksgiving morning, and since I'm already on day 6 of Provera, its very likely that she will, once again, visit me on another holiday.  Yeah, I'm pretty much heartbroken.  Holiday's are hard enough as it is.  This time last year I was so hopeful that this Christmas I would be bringing a baby with us for the holidays, but NO!  Not this year. Anyway, if AF shows up on Christmas, that means that I will be ringing in the new year with the ever so painful reminder that I am defective, and childless.  Isn't that the PERFECT way to start off a new year? 

I'm sorry for this depressing post.  Really, I am.  I just....*sigh*.  I want so badly to be a mother.  I know everything happens in God's timing, but sometimes it feels like his clock is off because if it had been working properly, it would have already happened for me!  I would have already been a mom.  Unfortunately, I know that's not how it really works, but sometimes I wish it did. 

This isn't true, and when I read it, it made me incredibly angry.  I'm trying my hardest, with everything I have, to create the life my heart is yearning for.  Unfortunately for me and many others, it's not as easy as people think.  If only I had the power to speak things into existence....

6 comments:

  1. I am glad you are going to go see a counselor. And I'll just be honest and confirm what you said: Your posts are depressing. And I started following your blog because you were spunky and fun. I cannot imagine the pain your are going through right now and I do not discount it, but I think you are doing harm to yourself by focucing on things that you don't have instead of things that you do. If you continue to look for the bad in every situation, that's what you're going to find.
    You are NOT defective. You are perfect. The creator of the universe designed you and you are fearfully and wonderfully made.
    I know that you know all of these things already, but I just don't want you to forget.

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  2. It sounds to me like you are suffering. A counselor is most likely a great idea. I went through a scary medical condition a few months back. Speaking to someone about it definately help. I wish you the best. Try and fight the bah humbug attitude. Life's what you make of it, even though it throws horrible things our way.

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  3. Sending a big hug your way girl. Love ya

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  4. Oh Alicia, I know that feeling oh so well. I don't know how long you've been following my blog, but my posts were always gloomy and depressing. I was very anti social too, and just didn't want to partake in anything. The holidays are especially not fun. I remember I didn't want to go to Christmas at all last year either.. and my Mom pretty much MADE me go to the big family get together. As I sat there, bleeding away from AF, everyone was making a big deal out of my cousins great big preggo belly, and her baby boy on the way. I left so early, I just couldn't stand it!
    I always hated myself for not being stronger, but honestly it takes A LOT out of you going through what we've been through, and with each visit from AF it knocks us down even harder. I always said it was like I had walls built, and with every BFN, and every pregnant friend or family member, the walls would come crumbling down more & more... and soon I would go crazy.
    You're right about God though. I was just talking to someone today about him. She was infertile, and finally got her bfp years ago, only to lose the baby. She finally got pregnant years later (with twins) after leaving a job she hates. 2 weeks later, her husband got a huge promotion. It all worked out in God's timing.
    God has a special time for you too. Take comfort in the fact that it is coming. He hurts when you hurt, but he knows what is coming for you. I thank you with all of my heart for your prayers. I will/have definitely keep you in mine too. Just always remember to believe in what you're praying for, believe he's listening, and believe he will answer your prayers.
    I am DYING for the day you get your BFP. It will be such an incredible day. I hope that you find some joy in your Christmas day, and hopefully get that BFP!! I remember thinking af was coming when I got my bfp, and I prayed that next month would be my month... and wouldn't ya know it, I got my bfp that very day! Either way, I hope you can smile knowing that your time will come. It will.
    My post is very, very long, and I need to stop now. lol. Just know that I feel for you, and am always here if you need me. God bless you!

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  5. I bet a councelor could help. I know they helped me after Zeke died.

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  6. I clicked on this post from a more recent one. Go to a counselor! If the first one doesn't "feel" right, visit another. A good one is worth their weight in gold.

    I couldn't get through without my counselor. You don't know me (yet) but I lost my son six years ago at Christmas. I know I'll never get "over" him being gone, but between my counselor and my faith in God, I am a survivor.

    Seek guidance, please.

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