Bah Humbug

I'm definitely NOT into the whole Fa-la-la-la-la's of this year's Christmas season.  Honestly, if it were up to me, I'd acknowledge and be thankful for the birth of Christ, but other than that there wouldn't be any celebrations.  If I were able to see my parents more often, I'd opt out of going to their house, and I'd stay home in bed.  I would eat chocolate until my broken heart seemed content, and I would watch the Criminal Minds marathon that comes on every Sunday. 

As I tried explaining, through tears, to Luke last night....I just don't want to do anything.  This whole anti-social part of me doesn't only show up when a holiday rolls around.  It's all the time.  Seriously.  I don't want to do anything.  I don't want to go anywhere, and I definitely don't want to be around people. 

I think I've come to the conclusion that it is BEYOND time for me to see a counselor.  I can't seem to get out of this slump.  There's so many things I need to work through in order to feel like a normal, loving human being again.  They say the first step is admitting that one has a problem, so here I am.  I have a problem.  Heck, I have a lot of problems.  I have no issue with admitting that, but my biggest problem is one that I cannot do anything about.  I cannot magically make a baby, like so many others it seems, just by having sex.  It's not possible. 

I have been telling myself for months now that I am ready for 2011 to be over, but last night I got to thinking about it.  Aunt Flo visited me Thanksgiving morning, and since I'm already on day 6 of Provera, its very likely that she will, once again, visit me on another holiday.  Yeah, I'm pretty much heartbroken.  Holiday's are hard enough as it is.  This time last year I was so hopeful that this Christmas I would be bringing a baby with us for the holidays, but NO!  Not this year. Anyway, if AF shows up on Christmas, that means that I will be ringing in the new year with the ever so painful reminder that I am defective, and childless.  Isn't that the PERFECT way to start off a new year? 

I'm sorry for this depressing post.  Really, I am.  I just....*sigh*.  I want so badly to be a mother.  I know everything happens in God's timing, but sometimes it feels like his clock is off because if it had been working properly, it would have already happened for me!  I would have already been a mom.  Unfortunately, I know that's not how it really works, but sometimes I wish it did. 

This isn't true, and when I read it, it made me incredibly angry.  I'm trying my hardest, with everything I have, to create the life my heart is yearning for.  Unfortunately for me and many others, it's not as easy as people think.  If only I had the power to speak things into existence....