Let operation baby Hartley begin!

The last you heard, I sent the appropriate papers to the Reproductive Resource Center (RRC) in Kansas City.  Two days after I sent the paperwork in, I received a phone call from one of the ladies that works there. Come to find out, the RRC has specific BMI requirements before they'll agree to even give someone a consultation.  The lady told me that if I wanted to get a consultation I'd have to loose about 80 pounds.  Immediately I was like, "uhhh...WHAT?!?!"  Yeah, 80 pounds.  She told me that she would keep all my info for a year if I make the BMI requirement. 

As soon as I hung the phone up after talking to the lady, I cried.  I didn't know what to do.  I felt as if my backup plan was taken away from me, and I was left with no other options.  I can't get pregnant on my own, so IVF was my backup plan to conceiving naturally.  I couldn't accept that they turned me away, so I turned to a Facebook group that I belong to, Cysters Unite!  I told them what happened, and within an hour, I had 20+ comments encouraging me to seek another doctor/infertility clinic.  Throughout the last year and a half of infertility, I've often wanted to get second opinions because I felt my doctor wasn't being proactive in helping me conceive, but I didn't want to feel as if I was questioning his intelligence.

After considering it for a few days, I decided to search out other infertility clinics in Missouri.  Immediately I stumbled upon The Infertility Clinic of St. Louis.  I searched all through their website, and everything I read impressed me.  The website is very thorough, and the doctor is known around the world.  Because the clinic impressed me so much, I decided to inquire about IVF with their clinic. 

I called the clinic at 10:00 am, which is exactly when they open, and I requested to talk to someone in the IVF department.  The lady I spoke to asked me some medical background questions and then asked me if I had any questions for her.  The first and only thing I asked was if they had a BMI requirement in order to treat patients.  She seemed stunned that I would even ask.  She promptly told me that they've never had to figure out someone's BMI and have never turned anyone away because of their weight.  Immediately a huge burden was lifted off my shoulders.  I gave a huge sigh of relief, and she laughed.  She asked if I had anymore questions and if I would like to set up an ultrasound to check my follicles and egg reserve and an IVF consultation with the doctor to discuss a plan to get started.  Of course I jumped on the opportunity.  I asked her to make the appointment for a Friday so that I wouldn't have to worry about driving to St. Louis early in the morning and then driving back to make it home in time for work the next day.  She searched for a minute, and she told me that she had an appointment open for February 17, 2012.  I was shocked!  I couldn't believe that she was able to get me in so quickly.  I agreed to the appointment, and hung up the phone.

So, ladies and gentlemen, Operation Baby Hartley begins February 17.  That's one month and 4 days from now.  It's very possible that within the next few months, I could begin IVF and have a little bean growing inside me.  Excited much?  Uh, yeah!  I think know so!

Dear Doctors...

Dear Doctors,

I'm tired of you asking me to come back every few months and not do anything I suggest or want.  You've given me the run around, and I don't appreciate it.  You've given me zero hope for having a baby, and you told me that everything from here on depended solely on my husbands test results.  I sent my husband to you so that you could help us in this journey, and all you've done was send him away with no hope, too.  I am really disliking you at this moment, and you've done nothing but break our hearts over and over again.  The least you could do is TRY to help us instead of constantly putting us off.  I'm beyond tempted to go elsewhere and get a second opinion for both Luke and myself, but you've broken my heart so many times that I'm afraid of hearing the same, harsh words that you've told me time and time again.  If it's my money that you wanted instead of helping us successfully conceive, then well done, you've succeeded.  Congratulations.

Sincerally,

Your broken hearted patient.

A new dynamic.

I'm not here to complain about this, I'm just here to simply update.  I never imagined our lives would turn out this way, but it is what we've been given to live with.

After my doctor appointment on October 13, I was asked to come back the following Thursday, October 22, so that I could have another Trans-vaginal Ultrasound done.  So, I did as I was asked, and I came back the next Thursday.  The Ultrasound took five minutes, and then we were sent to wait on the doctor.  A few minutes later, the nurse came and got us and took us to the Doctor's personal office to talk with him.  He said that according to the Ultrasound, there was nothing that showed why I would be in so much pain.  The cysts were still there, but everything else looked normal.  He said that it is a possibility that I may have Endometriosis because it would cause the kind of pain I've been having, but it wouldn't have shown up on the Ultrasound.  He said he wasn't going to look into that unless the pain continued over the next few months.  He asked me if we were serious about getting pregnant, and I just stared at him with a blank look on my face and then told him that we were serious about getting pregnant.  He said that the next step he was going to take was to put me on Clomid to help me ovulate so that I could (possibly) get pregnant.  But, before he would put me on it, he wanted Luke to do a semen analysis to make sure that that part of our situation was okay.  So, we did that. 

I worried all weekend, so when Monday came around I made sure to call and get the results.  After waiting all day for them to call me back, they called to tell me that the results weren't in yet.  I called the lab that we turned the test into, and they said the results had been sent to my doctor and they should have them, so Tuesday morning, I started calling to get the results.  The nurse called me back and said that the doctor wasn't in, but she had seen that I called a few times and decided to go ahead and look at the results for me.  She then told me that his results came back "abnormal."  Immediately I knew what that mean, and my heart sank.  I asked her what the specifics were, and she said that the normal count is supposed to be 20 million per milliliter (something like that ), and he has less than 2 million.  Also, she said something about his motility is really low too.  I asked the Nurse what the next steps were because the doctor said if Luke's tests didn't come back okay, He wasn't going to put me on Clomid.  She said that she was going to refer him to a Urologist, and that they weren't going to put me on Clomid until his numbers come up--if they will.  I asked her about doing an IUI, and she told me they wouldn't do it in the office with his numbers so low because it wouldn't work and would be useless.  When she told me that, I started to cry, and told her that I needed to go.  Another barrier against me getting pregnant had just appeared, and now we're facing male AND female infertility. 

I never expected that there was another problem besides me.  Never.  So, now we are faced with a new dynamic, but I'm not giving up--I'm just going to become pushy towards the doctors so that we can be as proactive as possible.

Tomorrow

I go back to the doctor tomorrow for the trans-vaginal ultrasound. 

I know what they're going to find--cysts.  But, I'd give anything for them to lube up the wand (let's pretend the lube/wand are magical), insert it...and *bippity-boppity-boo!* they find a baby in the midst of those popcorn looking ovaries of mine.  That would make for an incredibly happy Alicia. 

So yeah, that's all for now.

Blah.............

Doctor Appointment

Yesterday I went back to the GYNO.  I was hoping for answers, but that didn't happen.  When I got there I had to give a urine sample and then I was sent back into a room where I waited on Dr. M to come see me.  When he came in, he asked me about what brought be back to see him, so I told him everything.  He then proceeded to do a pap smear and pressed around on my belly.  After that exam he told me he would be back in a few minutes to talk with me.  As he said, he came back to get me and we went into his office.  He told me that I need to find a general physician and that he wants me in to do a trans-vaginal ultrasound next Thursday.  He also wanted me to go to the lab and have blood drawn to check my hormone levels and to test for pregnancy.  So, I'm assuming that I won't get those results until I see him again next Thursday, unless the blood test comes back positive for pregnancy.  

I'm SOOOO over this pain.  I have always lived with pain (which I eventually found out was from the PCOS), but this has become unbearable.  It's a pain I just can't knock no matter how many pain pills I take or how many prayers I pray.  I'm just ready to get my life back....I want to feel whole again.

bahaha!  How creepy!

An (almost) all-nighter....again!

The past three nights I have been up working on my Statistics homework until 1 and 2 o'clock in the morning.  The only reason I went to bed at those times is because if I didn't, I was going to pass out with pen in hand.  If it wasn't bad enough that I'm awake at un-godly hours, I have been getting up at 5:30 a.m. to FINISH the homework I didn't get done the night before.  Yeah, it's time consuming.

I feel like I've lost control of my life, and I'm creating an entire new life the next month or so.  With a quiz every Tuesday-Friday, and an Exam on Mondays, I have a lot of information to cram into this brain of mine.  It's definitely information overload! 

Here's to random doctor's information.  I called my gyno to see if he received the results of my blood work from the Endocrinologist.  He had.  They informed me that my Testosterone levels went through the roof in just one month.  When I was referred to the Endo, I was slightly above the Abnormal range.  This time, the Endo's office reported that my levels were almost quadruple the previous test a month prior.  Crazy, huh?  I don't know what's going on in my body.  It definitely makes me wonder if there's something worse than PCOS.  Why else would my levels go so high in a months span?  I hadn't taken any new medicines.  I wasn't doing anything differently.  Well, I don't know.  I suppose I'll never get all the answers I want, will I? 

I better get off here.  I've been purposely avoiding my statistics homework because I've seen so many numbers in the past three days to last me a lifetime! 

I hope everyone is happy that Friday is VERY near!  I know I am!

Blessings,
Alicia Marie

The Endocrinologist...

Today was my appointment with the Endocrinologist.  Luke and I waited in the waiting room for about 10-15 minutes before they called me to a back room.  The nurse went through what seemed like tons of questions because I was new to their office.  Eventually, she left and told the doctor that I was ready to see him.  After the nurse left, we waited another 15 minutes before the doctor finally came in.  He spoke with an accent that was incredibly hard to understand.  I had to zone into every syllable he said in order to comprehend what he was trying to tell or ask me. 

He asked me some more questions that the nurse prior to him had not asked.  So, to make a long story short, he's putting me on Metformin permanently.  He said that he could put me on tons of medicines, but none of them would work like excessive exercise and dieting would.  So, he said for the next four months, take the Metformin and do AT LEAST 60 minutes of excessive exercise a day.  He said that the Metformin should help me balance the hormones out and help me loose weight.  Also, he said that since we're trying to get pregnant, he hopes that Dr. M will put me on Clomid because it might help get me pregnant.  When he said that, Luke's ears perked up.  So, Luke asked him, "what is the percentage (if EVERYTHING levels out and she looses some weight and Dr. M puts her on Clomid) that she will conceive?"  The Dr. replied, "with just diet, exercise, and Metformin, she's looking at only 20-30%....if she gets on Clomid too, it may bump it up to 40-50%."  With AF being so sporadic, he said it's almost impossible, especially since I'm not ovulatin.  My heart sank.  50% AT BEST....That's not even good odds for me getting pregnant if everything happened with its best case scenario. 

My dreams of bearing my own child are almost gone.  I know it's not the end of the world, but it's a very hard road to travel.  We've got some important decisions to make very VERY soon.  I just hope that whatever we decide to do, EVERYONE will support us.  This journey has been long and exhausting.  We prayed for answers, and now we have them.  Where we go from here is undecided at the moment, but I just pray that the Lord gives me a peace that could only come from Him to make it through our decision.

Stay tuned folks, this next step will be a doozie!

Alicia Marie

I'm just THAT good!

     After I wrote the post the other day about my Endocrinologist appointment being August 15, I decided that I would take a chance and begin bugging the doctors office about getting me in sooner.  When I called, I expected to hear that there were no new openings that I could get into, but that was NOT the case.  

     I told the lady on the phone my name, and when my appointment was, and that I wanted to see if there was an earlier time I could get in to see the doctor.  She asked me to wait a minute while she looked my file up.  It seemed like her search for open appointments went on and on, but finally I heard her voice.  She said, "I can get you in June 15 at 8:15."  I immediately (practically before she finished talking) blurted out, "I'll take it!!!"  She laughed and said, "you really wanted a closer appointment, didn't you?", and I said "yes, yes I did". 

     So, my Endocrinologist appointment was bumped up almost 9 weeks!!!  How cool is that?!?!  Now I only have to wait another 2 and 1/2 weeks for my appointment instead of almost 3 months.  

     I started Provera (again) yesterday.  For Luke's sake, I hope they get things straightened out and the Lord does a miracle in my body.  I don't know how many more months of EXTRA hormones raging through my body either of us can handle!

I think the picture below says it all!

He provides!

I talked in a previous post about getting our pay at the church cut in half and loosing my client last week.  Well, Luke and I were worried that I would be out of a job (even though I'm employed, I have had no client).  We knew that we had the other half of the ultrasound from last week to pay for and that we had our mortgage and electric bills to pay.  We were worried that we might be REALLY tight on money.

Well, let me be the first to tell you, MY GOD PROVIDED!  Last Sunday the church threw a graduation party for me and one of our youth students.  Between all of the cards I received, I was given almost $100.  I received a call from Integrity (where I work) Monday morning and was asked to fill in for a client this week.  It's only 15 hours, but that's more than I was working with my other client.  God provided income for this week!  So, I was on my way home yesterday from the clients house, and I got another call from Integrity asking me to take on a permanent client starting next week!  I told them I would take it!  I didn't even have to go one week without finding a new source of income!   The amazing part is that it fits PERFECTLY within my summer school schedules between both Evangel and OTC!

Oh, and I forgot the best part.....are you ready for this!?!?  I got home yesterday after working, and my doctors office called me!  They said that the other half of my ultrasound had been taken care of!  I don't owe anything!  Isn't that amazing!  What a blessing!  What a great week I'm having after such a crummy one last week! 

I may have published some depressing posts, but I'm the first to admit when something amazing has happened!  Things are beginning to get better! 

Blessings!
Alicia Marie

*Dun*Dun*Dun*

I finally got a call from the nurse at Dr. M's office....Let's just say I am NOT a happy camper right now. 

The blood work they took on Monday came back abnormal, so now I have to see and Endocrinologist.  Supposedly I can't get any more fertility meds until they figure out the underlying problem with my hormones.  So, the nurse said she was going to call the endocrinologists office first thing Monday morning to set up and appointment for me to see him.  I was okay with that until she said the following words, "I'm just warning you, it usually takes a long time to get into the endocrinologist.  It'll probably be July or August before they can get you in."  Talk about jaw hitting the floor!  I waited 3 rounds of Provera to get the U/S that he promised me, and now I have to wait another 2-3 months to see the endocrinologist???!!!  I was/am N-O-T happy.  I told the nurse that the doctor said that if I don't get on any meds before the 28th that he said they would prescribe Provera again so that AF would keep showing up on a monthly routine.  So, at least she agreed to that.

So, let's recap:

• I won't get into the Endocrinologist for another 2-3
• Chances are they'll put me on meds for another 2-3 months to fix (currently) unknown problem with my hormones
• Hopefully I'll get to go back to the GYN after hormones get fixed.
• So let's do the math:
• (aprox) 2.5 + (approx) 2.5= (approx) 5 months before I can get on more meds to help me ovulate.

I think it's time we check for male factor infertility too.  If it comes back that there are issues with both of us, I just want to start the adoption process.

This is too much

Overwhelming. 

I don't want to talk about it any more.

Aftermath of the doctors visit...

With saddened hearts, Luke and I made our way back to our car after the doctors appointment.  As soon as I sat in the car, I  pulled out my phone and called my mom.  During the appointment I had received a text from both my mom and dad asking me to call when I got out.  Since moms text was first, I called her.  I told her what the doctor said and all the sudden the line went silent.  I know it must have been hard for her to hear what I told her.  I can only imagine what it's like being a mom that's 5 hours away and can't be there for her little girl when she needs her the most.  I sensed the sadness in her voice after she heard the news.  We talked for a few minutes then I let her go.  I knew that I had to get away from the doctors building before I lost it.

I slowly made my way out of the parking lot and then on to one of the main streets in Springfield.  I drove around for what seemed like forever before I finally turned to Luke and asked him where I was supposed to be going.  As I told you before I very much dislike driving around town in traffic and not know where my destination is.  In his attempt at making me feel better, Luke said that I could choose anywhere I wanted to eat for lunch.  Since I was on the south side of town, I chose to go to Cheddars.  I had never been to Cheddars, but I have heard many good things about the restaurant, so I thought I would try it.  After looking over the menu, I decided on a half rack of Honey BBQ ribs and a (what ended up being ) tiny piece of steak.  I know you probably don't care about what I chose to eat, but I promise that I'm telling you this for a reason.  We received our food and began to eat.  The flavor of the ribs were amazing, and I began to chow down.  I told Luke that we may have just gotten bad news, but at least we can enjoy a great meal!  Oh boy was I wrong...on my part that is.  I had only gotten half way through my half rack of ribs when I realized that my mouth felt funny.  I finished the food in my mouth and immediately I realized something was different.  While devouring the delicious ribs, a tooth towards the back of my mouth had broken off...IN HALF!  I had a small cavity, but I thought it wasn't a big deal because it was very small.  But, within the first few minutes of eating our food that little cavity became a huge hole in my mouth.  I was SO grossed out.  I asked the waitress for a box and left.  Was it not bad enough that had a bad doctors appointment?  Could we not have eaten a really good meal to help "comfort" us during our hurt?  Obviously not!  So then I was the girl with PCOS AND a gaping hole at the back of her mouth!

We left and I was pretty upset.  It just seemed like nothing was going right.  All I wanted to do was get home and crawl into my King sized bed and sleep until this horrible dream was over!  Well, I didn't want to be rude, so I asked Luke what he wanted to do next.  He then replied with, "I don't know" which allowed me the excuse to go home!  I made my towards our home when all the sudden I hear, "I know what we can do."  I sighed and asked, "what can we do?"  I think I should have just pretended that I didn't hear him, but being the wife I am, I HAD to have a response.  He then proceeded to tell me that "we can go to walmart to buy a present for the couple at our church who had a baby shower."  We had forgotten to buy a present for them, so WHY NOT go purchase baby things for someone else right after we were told I have PCOS and that it will be EVEN HARDER to conceive our own child.  Needless to say, that upset me.  I was in the middle of telling him that I just wanted to go home and not go anywhere when traffic began to get backed up.  By the time our car had caught up with the stalled traffic, we were DIRECTLY in front of Babies R Us.  Talk about obnoxious!  The worst part is that we had to sit there for what seemed like an hour (it was really 5 minutes), but it was TOO long!

So, let's recap my day on Monday.

1. Diagnosed with PCOS
2. Broke a tooth in half while eating lunch and didn't get to finish even a quarter of my meal at the restaurant.  
3. It was suggested to me that we should buy BABY items for someone else while I'm distraught about my diagnosis. 
4. Our car gets stuck in 5 o'clock traffic on Monday afternoon directly in front of Babies R Us!

Talk about a horrible day!  No wonder I wasn't able to write anything substantial in my blog the other day when I got home.  I think that I have pretty much covered Monday's doctor appointment.

The Doctors visit....

Here comes the post that I dreaded writing from the moment I looked at the images of my ultrasound on the flat screen TV. 

I laid on the table as the "probe" began to beam its light throughout my insides.  The images of my organs flashed on the screen next to me.  The lady began to press the keys of the keyboard frantically.  The constant clicking of the keys panicked me as I began to wonder why she was hitting so many buttons.  Was there something so wrong that she had to repeatedly capture images of it?  My immense curiosity got the best of me, and I peeked over my shoulder.  About the time I looked over she said, "you can watch it on the screen in front of you.  There in front of me (I have NO idea how I didn't know it was there--even Luke was watching it) was a flat screen TV that showed the images I had hoped I would never see.

As my eyes were making their way to the screen, I heard the lady say, "now I'm gonna take a look at your ovaries."  At that exact moment, my eyes met the screen, and I saw it!  I saw the dots all over my ovaries.  Of course, I had looked at so many pictures online of PCOS that I knew what I was looking at (poor Luke had no idea).  My ovaries were riddled with cysts.  My heart began to pound and I looked at Luke (and before the lady said anything to us) I said, "I called it..."  The lady then proceeded to ask me if I had ever been diagnosed with PCOS and I said, "no, but I self-diagnosed it after I started doing research about it."  I asked her if she thought it was PCOS and she just nodded her head.  Before I knew it the ultrasound was over (it only took about six minutes), and we were sent back out into the waiting room.

We had to wait in the waiting room until we were called back into an empty room.  There, we waited some more.  Finally, after twenty minutes of waiting, the doctor came in and asked us to follow him to his office.  He then showed us the still images of the ultrasound and showed Luke where the cysts were.  He told me that he wanted to get some blood taken and run a test on my androgen levels.  He then said that he would consult an endocrinologist about the next steps to take.  Depending on the results of the blood work (which I am SUPPOSED to have by Friday), I may or may not have to personally see the endocrinologist.  If the levels come back low, the doctor will just consult the other physician.  If they're really high, I'll have to go to some appointments and follow what the endocrinologist says to do in order to fix my levels before Dr. M will put me on ovulation meds (probably Clomid).

So, I'll know more Friday as to what the next step in this journey for me will be.  When I prepared myself for getting diagnosed with PCOS, I thought I would be able to handle it well.  I mean, why not prepare for the worst case scenario?  I had previously done research on things that caused infertility and found out about PCOS.  I'm glad that I did because I don't think that I would have been able to handle it today had I not known about it in advance.  There is a B-I-G difference in self-diagnosing ones self and mentally preparing for the worst and actually SEEING what's causing the issue of fertility and then HEARING the doctor confirm it!  The best way to describe it is like having your parents tell you that Santa Claus doesn't exist and you try to prepare yourself for those nice big presents to not be under the tree when you wake up on Christmas morning.  So, when Christmas morning comes around you wake up and run to the living room (because you secretly WANT Santa to be real) and there are no big presents under the tree.  Your parents were right.  The sheer disappointment.  The gut wrenching pain of knowing that no matter how hard you tried to prepare yourself for that moment, it hurt more than you could ever imagine.  Dreams began to die.  Hope began to fade.  Life as you once knew it was now CHANGED! 

This is my new life.  Trying to conceive with PCOS!

How can four letters hurt so much--Dr. update!

It's confirmed.....

PCOS

Mine had A LOT more cysts than this one AND on BOTH of my ovaries....  :'(

I'm not going into the details of my appointment yet.  I'm kind of numb right now.  I just want to curl up in a ball (because I'm having some pain in my pelvic area) and cry myself to sleep.  Here's a video for those of you wondering what PCOS is.