My plea...

Lately I've really been struggling.  A lot.  Friday we received our newest Netflix movie in the mail, and I was so excited to have a new movie to watch because our internet hasn't allowed us to get our Netflix fix (say that 10 times fast) via the Wii.  Apparently a few months back, I requested we receive the movie Like Dandelion Dust, and it came in the mail at a REALLY bad time.  I live in an emotional state as it it (Hey!  I'm a girl!), and I definitely shouldn't have watched that movie when I did. 

After crying throughout the entire movie (I told you I'm emotional), I sat on the couch processing every emotion I was feeling.  It wasn't long before I was curled up on one side of the couch pouring my heart out with tears.  Poor Luke, I feel that I put him in certain circumstances at times where he has no idea how to react to me.  With every pat on the back he gave me and every kind word he tried to say, my heart sank a little farther into my chest.  Of course, no kind word or gesture was going to console me at that point.  I knew that if I didn't get a hold of my emotions soon, it would be worse on me in the long run.  So, as I often do when I'm sad, I grabbed the keys to my car and set out for a drive.  Yes, I know driving alone on a Friday night at 11:00pm is not wise, but I knew I needed to get away for a while.

I drove around my neighborhood for a while before I decided to drive the main streets that surround the town.  As I drove around town, I began to cry out to God.  I said, "God, I don't understand.  This isn't fair!  What did I do that was so wrong that I can't be a mother?!?!?"  Basically, I began to plead with the Lord.  I cried my heart out to Him.  "Lord, PLEASE help me.  PLEASE!  I can't live like this anymore.  I'm tired of crying myself to sleep.  I'm tired of having breakdowns when I see undeserving parents who treat their little blessings like they're not good enough for love!  I'M TIRED OF CRYING MY HEART OUT AND NOTHING HAPPENING!"

After pleading with the Lord, the coolest thing happened.  As soon as I poured my heart out (I'm sure I looked looney driving around crying and talking out loud with no one else in the car), I finally felt that my prayers had reached Heaven.  The song Better Than A Hallelujah came on the radio.  The lyrics to the beginning of the song are, "God loves a lullaby in a mothers tears in the dead of night, better than a hallelujah sometimes.  God loves a drunkards cry, a soldiers plea not to let him die.  Better than a hallelujah sometimes.  We pour out our miseries, God just hears a melody.  Beautiful, the mess we are.  The honest cries of breaking hearts are better than a hallelujah sometimes."

It was at that moment I knew everything was okay.  It was okay to cry my heart out to God.  He heard my prayers, my cries, and my pleas.  I have always felt that crying was a way of releasing inward pain, but at the same time hated to bring such deep sorrow and pain to the Lord.  I never want to 'complain' to the Lord about how unfair I felt I had been treated, but this time I seemed to have gotten an answer in response.  He hears my cries, as long as I bring my pain and sorrows before Him, everything will be okay.  He just longs to hear from us, no matter how we feel.


**If you haven't ever heard of  the movie/song I posted inside this blog, I recommend that you take a moment and click on the links, and give them a listen!**

He provides!

I talked in a previous post about getting our pay at the church cut in half and loosing my client last week.  Well, Luke and I were worried that I would be out of a job (even though I'm employed, I have had no client).  We knew that we had the other half of the ultrasound from last week to pay for and that we had our mortgage and electric bills to pay.  We were worried that we might be REALLY tight on money.

Well, let me be the first to tell you, MY GOD PROVIDED!  Last Sunday the church threw a graduation party for me and one of our youth students.  Between all of the cards I received, I was given almost $100.  I received a call from Integrity (where I work) Monday morning and was asked to fill in for a client this week.  It's only 15 hours, but that's more than I was working with my other client.  God provided income for this week!  So, I was on my way home yesterday from the clients house, and I got another call from Integrity asking me to take on a permanent client starting next week!  I told them I would take it!  I didn't even have to go one week without finding a new source of income!   The amazing part is that it fits PERFECTLY within my summer school schedules between both Evangel and OTC!

Oh, and I forgot the best part.....are you ready for this!?!?  I got home yesterday after working, and my doctors office called me!  They said that the other half of my ultrasound had been taken care of!  I don't owe anything!  Isn't that amazing!  What a blessing!  What a great week I'm having after such a crummy one last week! 

I may have published some depressing posts, but I'm the first to admit when something amazing has happened!  Things are beginning to get better! 

Blessings!
Alicia Marie

Letting Go

Throughout my life I've been plagued with anger, sadness, and depression. I have cried so many tears over things that I had no control over.  I was to the breaking point.  I had allowed myself to hold problems in for so long that I was a ticking time bomb.  I could never comprehend why people didn't understand what I was going through.  I was told not to feel the way I did, but I never seemed to be able to change how I felt....until one day.

One day changed my life.

I was in El Salvador doing mission work for 6 weeks when I had a heart to heart conversation with the Lord.  At the time I was VERY sick with a parasite that I had unknowingly contracted the year before in Venezuela.  I didn't understand why I was having to go through the pains of the sickness and why I was having to deal with the emotional "junk" going through my heart and mind.  It was through this heart to heart conversation that I realized that I would not get ANY better until I forgave someone for what they had done to me.  I had built up so many walls and barriers between me and other people that it's no wonder people didn't understand me.  I wasn't letting them in.  I was so hurt from my past that I couldn't and wouldn't let anyone help me even if they wanted to.  I've always been the one to fix other peoples problems, but when it comes to myself, I lack very much of what I help others with every day.  It was that day that I realized that I would NEVER get "better" if I didn't allow myself to forgive the way my God forgives.  The Bible says to forgive 7 X 70 times.  No, that doesn't mean to stop forgiving after the 490th time someone hurts you.  What the scripture is saying is to forgive them continuously.  That was something I once struggled with.  I had held on to every bad moment throughout my childhood that I neglected (basically refused) to remember the good things I had experienced.

It was then, when I realized what was holding me back from God's peace and happiness, that I gave it over to God.  I forgave.  I must say, that moment was probably one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, but it has been so worth it.  The broken and seemingly unsalvageable relationship that once (never) existed began to flourish.  Relationships began to form and I began to feel whole for the first time in my life.

God restored what I thought would never be whole again, and He gave me a new heart that would give, love, and forgive unconditionally!

I'm telling you, if you have something against someone, please forgive.  You never know what God will do with your situation until you TRULY give it to Him and FORGIVE!

Scared!

The other night I got on the internet to check out the local news before I went to bed.  On Monday morning, there was a double murder on the south side of town.  Normally something like this wouldn't effect me, but this time it did.  Shortly after I found out about the murder, I received an email informing me that the two people that were murdered were the grandparents of a girl who attends Evangel University with me.  As if the story alone wasn't sad enough, the fact that the murders effected someone in my Evangel family tore me up inside.  Anyway, I ran across a newly released article about the murders online.  The police chief stated that the two murders were the worst and gruesome he has ever dealt with in his entire career.  How alarming!  Of course, being the scaredy cat that I am, I could NOT get to sleep for the life of me.  I get this way when I watch or hear about something horrible before I sleep.  If, by chance, I eventually fall asleep, I have horrible nightmares throughout the entire night.

So, I tried to lay down in hopes that I could fall asleep, but with every movement of the dog down the hallway and every breath my husband made, fear swept over me.  My heart began to pound.  What-if questions began to flood through my mind.  Don't get me wrong, I am prepared to meet the Lord whenever that day comes, but one of my worst fears is to be murdered or die a painful death.  So, of course my mind was racing back and forth.  I began to perspire just thinking about what MIGHT happen.  "Could our house be the next target for the 'random' murder?"  "Did I lock ALL my doors?"  Horrible thoughts went round and round in my head like a merry go round at the fair.  I was worrying myself over something that hasn't happened. 

It was then that I realized worrying wasn't going to do me any good.  In fact, all it was doing was getting me emotional.  So, I said a prayer and asked the Lord to give me peace that would calm my mind and my heart.  I also asked him to protect me and Luke while we slept and keep us safe from all harm.  

Sometimes it's really hard to trust God, especially when fear lurks around every corner, but eventually we have to give it to God because He is the only one that has control over our lives!