From the Heart of Alicia Marie: Future

I'm that girl that always saw the positive side to everything, even in desperation. I was the one that wanted to solve the worlds' problems.

I wanted to feed the hungry

clothe the naked

house the orphaned.

That's me, the one that cared so much for everyone else that her own problems took a backseat to the world and their desperate cries. As long as I can remember, I have thought of others without thinking twice about myself or the situations I was going through, until recently. Recently, as in the last 1 year, 4 months, 1 week and 6 days.

Unfortunately, I've been so consumed in my grief through our infertility journey that I've become self-absorbed in my thoughts and actions. I've often put aside my dreams of helping people just so that I could focus on helping myself become a mom, which is essentially giving up one dream for another with no potential happy ending.

With the new program I'm in at school, I have a new class every 5 weeks. With each class, we have a new teacher. With each new teacher, we have to tell them who we are and a little about ourselves (if we're married, have kids, etc...) Each class has pushed me to consider why I'm really in this program. Why did I start it in the first place? To help people, of course! The more I learn about people and how to help them more effectively, the more I feel this increasing urge in my heart. An urge to get back to the old Alicia. The Alicia that truly cared about people. The girl that longed to make a difference in the world. Oh, how I miss her.

So, here I am. I'm desperately searching for my place in this world. Searching for my reason for being. For being infertile. I'm slowly, but surely, getting back to the old Alicia. You know, "that girl."

"I alone know the plans I have for you, plans to bring you prosperity and not disaster, plans to bring about the future you hope for." --Jeremiah 29:11 (Good News Translation)

*This post was inspired by*
http://dustoffyourwings.blogspot.com/

Dear 16 yr. old Alicia Marie,

I could tell you everything that you're going to do in life, but I would never want to re-write your entire past because that is what makes you into the beautiful and talented woman you will be. Although, there are a few things I'd like you to know in order to save you some hassle and hurt down the road. So, here it goes.

Don't get caught up in that relationship with that one boy. Heck, don't even date him. Especially, don't let him convince you that he wants you instead of the girl he's been dating for two years. He eventually breaks up with you after a year, and you'll move on even though it will hurt. You're not going to go to UCA to be with that one guy either, so stop trying to fight your parents tooth and nail over this issue. The Lord has a BETTER university for you to attend where you will meet friends who invest POSITIVELY into your life.

Also, don't run back to your "first love" every time he tells you he still loves you. He may, he may not, but you'll never really know. But trust me, you will get SO much more out of life if you STAY CLEAR of him! Trust me, you may think a part of you will always love him, but that's not true. You WILL find someone who will sweep you off your feet and never let you fall. So please please please DON'T even give him the chance to tell you he's still in love with you because you WILL regret it!!!

In order to help yourself in the future, you must help yourself now. STUDY! STUDY! STUDY! Those three words will be something that you REALLY have to work at when you get to college, so LEARN NOW!

Don't compete so hard with that one girl in your Symphonic Band and Jazz Choir. You're great at what you do. Use her talents to help you push yourself, but don't make it a constant competition. One day you two will go your own ways and those competitions between you two will no longer be important. Plus, all that hard work you do to make region and state will NOT help you get into a college because the college you will one day attend doesn't care about that kind of stuff.

Sing in church more often. There is a great opportunity for you in the future, so get over your nervousness of singing in front of people now. Trust me, this will help you a lot.

Cherish the next few months with your Granny. She won't be around much longer, and she would love to see you every day. When you're not spending time with your Granny, spend the rest with your Memaw and Poppie. Your Poppie will only be around another 3 years, but you're going to college in a year and you will not see him as often. You will regret not spending time with him, like you should have, after he's gone. So just do it. Even though it may replace something "cool" you had planned, nothing will ever replace your Poppie after he's gone.

For goodness sake, Alicia, don't be so mean to your sister. She really does love you. She looks up to you more than you will ever know. She will miss you when you're gone to college, so invest in her life while you can because you won't always have the opportunity to be there for her.

Please, always remember that dream the Lord gave you years ago at Church Camp. This dream will reveal itself to you in years to come. You will take your first missions trip to Venezuela where the Lord will use someone to speak to you and tell you that you are with "your people". You will NEVER forget that night and will always have a burning heart for missions.

You are BEAUTIFUL! Don't let any of those dumb high school kids tell you any different. So what you're bigger than them. You have more compassion and love for people than they'll ever have. Even though you will never be invited to any of the "cool" parties, you're better off! The ones who attend those parties are the ones who will get pregnant right after high school and be in relationships that will never last. They will search for years trying to figure out why their life is so bad all while drinking their lives away. You're better than that!

Your love for children will never go away. In fact, it will get stronger and stronger. The Lord has placed that desire in your heart and ONE DAY your desire will be granted. I (as the 21 yr old you), unfortunately, can not say that this desire has be fulfilled yet, but am believing it will be.

Cherish your family. They're not so bad after all. One day you will rid yourself of that "horrible" last name (Partridge) and will wish you hadn't despised the name. Your family loves you and supports you even when you think they don't care. Family is important, so always cherish it because one day you will have a family of your own and it will need to be important then too.

Most of all, always cherish yourself! You are beautiful (inside and out). You are talented and can accomplish so much more than you ever give yourself credit to be able to do.

Sweet Alicia, just always remember that the Lord is there even when it feels like you're all alone in this world. He WILL see you through. Let him be the lamp unto your feet and the light unto your path and EVERYTHING will be OK because HE is in control.

With all my love and future knowledge,

The 21 yr old you,

Alicia Marie