Friday, December 2, 2011

I'm that girl.

I'm that girl that always saw the positive side to everything, even in desperation.  I was the one that wanted to solve the worlds' problems. 

I wanted to feed the hungry

clothe the naked


house the orphaned.

 That's me, the one that cared so much for everyone else that her own problems took a backseat to the world and their desperate cries.  As long as I can remember, I have thought of others without thinking twice about myself or the situations I was going through, until recently.  Recently, as in the last 1 year, 4 months, 1 week and 6 days.

Unfortunately, I've been so consumed in my grief through our infertility journey that I've become self-absorbed in my thoughts and actions.  I've often put aside my dreams of helping people just so that I could focus on helping myself become a mom, which is essentially giving up one dream for another with no potential happy ending. 

With the new program I'm in at school, I have a new class every 5 weeks.  With each class, we have a new teacher.  With each new teacher, we have to tell them who we are and a little about ourselves (if we're married, have kids, etc...)  Each class has pushed me to consider why I'm really in this program.  Why did I start it in the first place?  To help people, of course!  The more I learn about people and how to help them more effectively, the more I feel this increasing urge in my heart.  An urge to get back to the old Alicia.  The Alicia that truly cared about people.  The girl that longed to make a difference in the world.  Oh, how I miss her.  

So, here I am.  I'm desperately searching for my place in this world.  Searching for my reason for being.  For being infertile.  I'm slowly, but surely, getting back to the old Alicia.  You know, "that girl."

"I alone know the plans I have for you, plans to bring you prosperity and not disaster, plans to bring about the future you hope for." --Jeremiah 29:11  (Good News Translation)


  1. Hi Alicia! Thanks for coming by my blog today. I have that photo you used for "Feed the Hungry" printed on photo paper and up on my fridge. It's been there for about 2 years now...

  2. Alicia it's so nice to "meet" you! Thanks for visiting my blog. I've only read a couple of your posts (so far!)but I just wanted to say that our lives ebb and flow in seasons. It sounds like your life has been filled with thinking of others first, which of course is wonderful, but this season maybe is a time to focus on you, your hubby and the new life you are praying for. It's ok. God understands. He loves you so much! Besides, I have a feeling that you are still just as much thinking of others first as you always were it's just now along with it you are thinking of yourself as well.
    I pray God answers your prayers to be a mom but I'm also praying that you will have peace with whatever method He chooses. Seriously, He truly does have the best plans even when it surely doesn't seem like it.
    Big hugs and prayers!

  3. You're always going to be "you" deep down. It's ok to think about yourself once in a while. You seem like a genuinely great person and it's really nice to meet you! I'm following your blog and I can't wait to catch up. Enjoy your weekend!

  4. That girl is not gone. She's just in hiding. I see peeks of her. You can do this. Keep helping, keep caring, keep being you. That girl is the one I've learned to care about so much!

  5. Such an honest and wonderful post, Alicia.
    I know what you mean...infertility can try and strip so much away from us. I know and see you're a strong woman and will get through this and come out with a miracle. We all will. We have to believe that. You're in my prayers

  6. It may seem small compared to international missions work to feed starving children, but the discounted rate you give us for watching Riley is a miracle to us - if we hadn't found you, I'm not sure how we would afford putting food on the table paying the rates at some of the other daycares around here. You are truly a blessing.


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