Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Stop ignoring me!

It's a topic that you've all read on my blog.  You've discussed in my comments section on how insensitive some people can be with the words they say, but in reality it's not the words that hurt the most; it's the silence that cuts me to the core.

Too often, people offer well meaning advice that can lead even the hardest heart to ache.  Their words are like fingernails scraping fresh scabs on the wounds of my heart.  Unfortunately words are just that, words.  Yes they hurt, but as the old cliche quote goes, "actions speak louder than words."

With that said, STOP IGNORING ME!  Stop ignoring my feelings.  Stop silencing the reality of my infertility.

I understand that it's hard for people who have never faced infertility to understand how much our hearts ache.  Really, I get it.  It's just that sometimes your ignorance on infertility isn't really ignorance at all, it's stupidity.  The problem isn't that you don't understand what we're going through, it's that you choose not to even try.  Many choose to simply ignore the fact that I (and many others--1 in 8, in fact) are going through a heart-breaking, life-changing, marriage-testing disease and choose to go about their life as if other people aren't hurting.

Our lives are just as much affected by yours as yours are affected by ours.

In all honesty, it's hard enough for us to go to Walmart without wanting to throw the nearest garden rake at a "mother" who yells explicit words at her kid across the store.  What most people don't understand is that infertility affects even the simplest of tasks.  What was once a quick, easy trip to the grocery store now has turned into an emotional battle, and quite simply I avoid it (and I'm sure I'm not the only one)!  Sometimes, Most of the time, we struggle with special occasions like holidays (especially Mother's Day!!!), birthday parties, and basically anything that has to do with kids.  So PLEASE, STOP  thinking we're horrible people for wanting to take care of ourselves and guard our hearts from another ache.  We're not hateful people for not wanting to show up to your second or third baby shower, we just know what will be best for ourselves (and probably for your party).  Who wants a crying, hormonal (probably from all the infertility meds she's on) woman at their party anyway? 

Don't get me wrong, we're not always going to want to lock ourselves in our house wearing our comfiest sweat pants and baggiest hoodie, eating the sweetest candy we can find, (although it's quite tempting) but the reality is that it's going to happen on occasion.  We're going to have days that need to be focused on healing our hearts from a failed IUI or IVF cylce, from another miscarriage, from the physical and emotional strain of wanting to strangle the explicit-yelling, trashy pregnant women with 5 kids in Walmart.  It's just going to happen.

So, do ourselves all a favor, will you?

Stop ignoring me and my feelings of inadequacy because I can't "just relax" and magically get pregnant like everyone says. Don't judge me because I don't want to give up my dream of having a biological child to call my own and am not ready to "just adopt" (because I'll magically get pregnant--YEAH RIGHT!). 

The reality is that my feelings are real.  They're legit, and I'm not the only one that feels this way.  Infertility affects 1 in 8 people.  My thoughts and feelings are just as important as yours, so stop ignoring them.

Just stop it.

*Disclaimer* This post was not directed towards any specific person or party.  It simply was written to express the thoughts and feelings, which many people go through, that need to talked about and not ignored..  Remember, it's time people stop ignoring infertility!


  1. Love it! I had no idea this week was infertility week!

  2. BRAVO!!!!
    Amazingly well said!
    IF is at times dibilitating, not just for the person going through it. For the people that love them with all of their heart and can't stand to see the heart wrenching pain it causes.
    Thanks for writing what anyone that has experienced this has at one time thought!

  3. I have been fortunate enough to not have to experience this...I have a beautiful child...and I wish the same for you. Lovely post. So sorry you deal with this pain.

  4. Lovely post. But I'll be honest here, I have two children, a step son, and a husband who acts like a giant child, and even with all that.... I still want to throw a garden rake at that woman in Walmart.


  5. Why does those people who have children easily feel the need to leave that in a comment? Just a thought. Anyway, bravo, girlfriend. Very well said!

  6. Well said, and so true. But I wonder if there is any way for them to ever really understand when they will never know how we feel or ever have to experience the years and years of longing that are never fulfilled all while watching others take for granted that very thing that alludes us. Conversation will definitely help bridge the gap for those who care enough to try, so thank you for this blog :)

  7. Helpful post. Empathy is not hard. But it is a step some many struggle to take. I liked that part about not being horrible people because we find things hard. That is the tougest for me, when people who don't really understand are judgemental. Thanks for getting the conversation going.

  8. It has been awhile since you posted about your infertility!! I totally get this post 100%! Yes, I now have a baby on the way, but the 3 year battle it took to get here was hell.
    Everything you wrote is everything I've felt. In fact, I *still* feel those things! It's so hard to not be angry at people who take their pregnancies/babies/children for granted. It's hard not to cringe every time you see a pregnant teenager smoking a cigarette. I too skipped a few friend's baby showers, simply because I just couldn't take the pain.
    I also understand why you want your own biological child. It's so easy for people to say, "just adopt!" While adoption is a fantastic concept, there's a longing in every woman's heart to have their own child, and their own pregnancy experience.
    I don't want to be like the people who tell you "it will happen, just wait" I know that is frustrating to hear. But I do want you to remember that you're only 22. I started trying at 21, and it didn't happen for me until almost 24 going on 25! You still have a lot of time to have a baby, and I deeply believe that through a lot of prayer, and money donations for your ivf, it can and will happen. Btw, you should add a link on the side of your blog for the donation site, so we don't have to come looking for it :) I know that I'm going to donate!!!
    If you ever need anyone to talk to, especially someone who understands, you have my email! I'm sorry that you're hurting so bad, I really am. I am constantly thinking of you, and keeping you in my prayers.

  9. No, there wasnt a note! I'm so shocked at how fast I got it though:) my mom must have done same day delivery. Maybe the note will be with the next box?? I let my mom know theres another one, and it should be there tomorrow:)

  10. Awe, I wish I would have gotten that note, it's perfect. I'm crying right now, but it's a good thing. It's nice to hear that my 3 angels are thought of still. I hope that note comes with the next box, so I can frame it!

  11. Hey you.
    I'm sorry really, that you are going through this. I think people are wanting to help but in many cases are misguided in their attempts or they honestly don't know what to say to you. I'm sorry if I haven't been supportive enough girl. You know I love you. Don't give up your dream. Just keep dreaming and maybe one day soon it will come true.


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