Monday, August 1, 2011

My plea...

Lately I've really been struggling.  A lot.  Friday we received our newest Netflix movie in the mail, and I was so excited to have a new movie to watch because our internet hasn't allowed us to get our Netflix fix (say that 10 times fast) via the Wii.  Apparently a few months back, I requested we receive the movie Like Dandelion Dust, and it came in the mail at a REALLY bad time.  I live in an emotional state as it it (Hey!  I'm a girl!), and I definitely shouldn't have watched that movie when I did. 

After crying throughout the entire movie (I told you I'm emotional), I sat on the couch processing every emotion I was feeling.  It wasn't long before I was curled up on one side of the couch pouring my heart out with tears.  Poor Luke, I feel that I put him in certain circumstances at times where he has no idea how to react to me.  With every pat on the back he gave me and every kind word he tried to say, my heart sank a little farther into my chest.  Of course, no kind word or gesture was going to console me at that point.  I knew that if I didn't get a hold of my emotions soon, it would be worse on me in the long run.  So, as I often do when I'm sad, I grabbed the keys to my car and set out for a drive.  Yes, I know driving alone on a Friday night at 11:00pm is not wise, but I knew I needed to get away for a while.

I drove around my neighborhood for a while before I decided to drive the main streets that surround the town.  As I drove around town, I began to cry out to God.  I said, "God, I don't understand.  This isn't fair!  What did I do that was so wrong that I can't be a mother?!?!?"  Basically, I began to plead with the Lord.  I cried my heart out to Him.  "Lord, PLEASE help me.  PLEASE!  I can't live like this anymore.  I'm tired of crying myself to sleep.  I'm tired of having breakdowns when I see undeserving parents who treat their little blessings like they're not good enough for love!  I'M TIRED OF CRYING MY HEART OUT AND NOTHING HAPPENING!"

After pleading with the Lord, the coolest thing happened.  As soon as I poured my heart out (I'm sure I looked looney driving around crying and talking out loud with no one else in the car), I finally felt that my prayers had reached Heaven.  The song Better Than A Hallelujah came on the radio.  The lyrics to the beginning of the song are, "God loves a lullaby in a mothers tears in the dead of night, better than a hallelujah sometimes.  God loves a drunkards cry, a soldiers plea not to let him die.  Better than a hallelujah sometimes.  We pour out our miseries, God just hears a melody.  Beautiful, the mess we are.  The honest cries of breaking hearts are better than a hallelujah sometimes."

It was at that moment I knew everything was okay.  It was okay to cry my heart out to God.  He heard my prayers, my cries, and my pleas.  I have always felt that crying was a way of releasing inward pain, but at the same time hated to bring such deep sorrow and pain to the Lord.  I never want to 'complain' to the Lord about how unfair I felt I had been treated, but this time I seemed to have gotten an answer in response.  He hears my cries, as long as I bring my pain and sorrows before Him, everything will be okay.  He just longs to hear from us, no matter how we feel.

**If you haven't ever heard of  the movie/song I posted inside this blog, I recommend that you take a moment and click on the links, and give them a listen!**


  1. Honey Our God is big enough to handle our anger, fear, frustration and anything else we send his way. He created us and knows our hearts. I was where you were once. I pleaded and begged and cried. I got two children of the six I wanted and God said no more. I love children and I feel your pain on a personal level. Especially now that mine are getting older and will be gone soon. I felt it when I prayed like Hannah at the alter. He knows your hearts desire. All I can say is keep crying out. I'm crying out with you for you

  2. Goodness me, that is a lot of crying.

  3. I'm praying for you. I'm so glad that song touched your heart.


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