Thursday, December 9, 2010

Have you ever wanted something SO bad?

Have you ever wanted something SO bad that you hurt inside because it felt like a piece of you was missing?  Well, I have.  Actually, that's exactly how I feel right now. 

Growing up, I would fantasize about becoming a mom.  The idea of bringing a beautiful baby into the world that I would love unconditionally and would love me back brings a smile to my face.  I suppose you could say that I wasn't the typical girl who loved shopping, loved boys (although, I did), and dreamed about getting married and having the PERFECT wedding dress.  Although I knew I wanted to get married, I knew it would happen one day, so I never spent excessive time dreaming about it.  The one thing that I did dream about was becoming a mom.  Of course I never wanted to be a mom without having a husband, but I couldn't help thinking about what it would be like to have my own baby.  Yeah, I know I sound crazy for thinking about that at such a young age, but I did.  I've always loved little kids, and kids have always loved me. 

Now that I've been married almost 15 months, my heart is longing for its missing piece.  It hurts to see everyone around me having babies (even when they're not married or in a committed relationship).  I know that I would be a great mom.  I pray every day that God would bless Luke and me with a baby, but sometimes it seems like he's not getting my prayers, or he chooses not to answer them.  Some people tell me to wait longer before we have kids, and others tell me to have them while we're young that way we can keep up with them better.  All I know is what our hearts long for.  Everything else is up to God.  My mom posted a facebook status once that said, "God answers prayers three ways: yes, not right now, and I have something better planned for you".  That status really hit home to me.  Every time I feel like God is telling me no or he isn't listening to my prayers, I think about my moms status.  Maybe God DOES have something better planned for me that I have NO comprehension of right now. 

Well, I just needed to spill my guts for a while.  I hope someone out there can relate to me.  Sometimes I feel so alone, even though I'm not. 

Alicia Marie

1 comment:

  1. alicia,
    mother is always right... end of story
    well your mom is, mine isn't :)


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