The following excerpt from the Infertility Etiquette series is one that hit so close to my heart that I thought it deserved a post of its own rather than being grouped with another etiquette rule. I'm going to go ahead let you read the rule, and then I'll explain why it has a special place in my heart.
"Don't Say They Aren't Meant to Be Parents
One of the cruelest things anyone ever said to me is, "Maybe God doesn't intend for you to be a mother." How incredibly insensitive to imply that I would be such a bad mother that God felt the need to divinely sterilize me. If God were in the business of divinely sterilizing women, don't you think he would prevent the pregnancies that end in abortions? Or wouldn't he sterilize the women who wind up neglecting and abusing their children? Even if you aren't religious, the "maybe it's not meant to be" comments are not comforting. Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature."
Here's my thoughts on this. I cannot count the amount of times that I have heard, "It's just not meant to be," or "Maybe God doesn't want you to be a mom, maybe you're meant to do something else with your life, and worst of all, "you just need more faith!" Talk about painful! Of all the things that people have said to me the last year and four months, those kind of comments have hurt the most. I've always struggled with figuring out Gods will for my life, and when infertility struck, I was more confused than ever. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't blame myself for our situation. I tell myself that I MUST have done something wrong in life for God to punish me like this. I know that these thoughts are of the flesh, but I can't help but think them. I come from several generations of Assemblies of God believers. Having faith in God and being in God's will is something that has been ingrained within me from a young age. When people tell me that I need more faith, it definitely doesn't help the situation. Just because I am considering IVF, it doesn't mean that I am lacking faith in God and His miraculous power. I DO have faith that God can heal me, but at the same time, I look at reality. Sure God can do a miracle in my life, but who's to say that the miracle won't come in the form of an IVF baby? For my body to be able to have a baby, no matter how it happens, it will ALWAYS be considered a miracle; therefore, I will never not have enough faith!
Showing posts with label etiquette. Show all posts
Showing posts with label etiquette. Show all posts
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Infertility Etiquette (part 2)
As a continuation from my previous post about Infertility Etiquette, I begin with the first two rules in proper infertility etiquette. Personally, I've had more (negative) experiences with the first rule than the second, but I believe the author of this post on RESOLVE's website does a wonderful job of conveying why the following should not be done. Without further ado...
"Don't Minimize the Problem
Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Infertile couples are surrounded by families with children. These couples watch their friends give birth to two or three children, and they watch those children grow while the couple goes home to the silence of an empty house. These couples see all of the joy that a child brings into someone's life, and they feel the emptiness of not being able to experience the same joy.
Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. You wouldn't tell somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to buy Father's Day or Mother's Day cards. Losing that one obligation doesn't even begin to compensate for the incredible loss of losing a parent. In the same vein, being able to sleep late or travel does not provide comfort to somebody who desperately wants a child.
Don't Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen
Along the same lines, don't tell your friend that there are worse things that she could be going through. Who is the final authority on what is the "worst" thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a job? Different people react to different life experiences in different ways. To someone who has trained his whole life for the Olympics, the "worst" thing might be experiencing an injury the week before the event. To someone who has walked away from her career to become a stay-at-home wife for 40 years, watching her husband leave her for a younger woman might be the "worst" thing. And, to a woman whose sole goal in life has been to love and nurture a child, infertility may indeed be the "worst" thing that could happen. People wouldn't dream of telling someone whose parent just died, "It could be worse: both of your parents could be dead." Such a comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same vein, don't tell your friend that she could be going through worse things than infertility."
"Don't Minimize the Problem
Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Infertile couples are surrounded by families with children. These couples watch their friends give birth to two or three children, and they watch those children grow while the couple goes home to the silence of an empty house. These couples see all of the joy that a child brings into someone's life, and they feel the emptiness of not being able to experience the same joy.
Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. You wouldn't tell somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to buy Father's Day or Mother's Day cards. Losing that one obligation doesn't even begin to compensate for the incredible loss of losing a parent. In the same vein, being able to sleep late or travel does not provide comfort to somebody who desperately wants a child.
Don't Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen
Along the same lines, don't tell your friend that there are worse things that she could be going through. Who is the final authority on what is the "worst" thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a job? Different people react to different life experiences in different ways. To someone who has trained his whole life for the Olympics, the "worst" thing might be experiencing an injury the week before the event. To someone who has walked away from her career to become a stay-at-home wife for 40 years, watching her husband leave her for a younger woman might be the "worst" thing. And, to a woman whose sole goal in life has been to love and nurture a child, infertility may indeed be the "worst" thing that could happen. People wouldn't dream of telling someone whose parent just died, "It could be worse: both of your parents could be dead." Such a comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same vein, don't tell your friend that she could be going through worse things than infertility."
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Etiquette
Oftentimes I've thought to myself, "did they REALLY just say that to me?" If I had a nickle for every time I have had someone say a hurtful, insulting comment to me throughout my infertility journey, I'd be rich! I know many people mean well, and I understand that, but I have wished that there was SOMETHING that they could read so that they could realize how insensitive and hurtful they were really being.
This past year I have done my fair share of explaining to people why I get offended or hurt by their harsh, often well-meaning, words. No words I have spoken ever seemed to make sense to anyone, and I was constantly searching for the right way to tell people to BACK OFF!
It wasn't until I started seeking avenues via Twitter that I found a group called RESOLVE. Someone had posted a tweet that contained a link to a post on RESOLVE's website about "Infertility Etiquette." The headline caught my eye, and I HAD to read. I began reading, and every emotion, every painful word that has ever been spoken to me ran through my mind. What I would have given to have a copy of this "Infertility Etiquette" for all of those people who just didn't get it. I even read the post about etiquette to my husband, and he said, "wow. that really puts it into perspective." So, since my husband approved of the etiquette post, I decided to share portions of it with you throughout the next few. Below is an excerpt from the beginning of the post on RESOLVE's website.
"Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn't coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.
The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.
As the couple moves into infertility treatments, the pain increases while the bank account depletes. The tests are invasive and embarrassing to both parties, and you feel like the doctor has taken over your bedroom. And for all of this discomfort, you pay a lot of money.
A couple will eventually resolve the infertility problem in one of three ways:
Stay tuned over the next few posts for ways to improve yours or help another person with their infertility etiquette.
This past year I have done my fair share of explaining to people why I get offended or hurt by their harsh, often well-meaning, words. No words I have spoken ever seemed to make sense to anyone, and I was constantly searching for the right way to tell people to BACK OFF!
It wasn't until I started seeking avenues via Twitter that I found a group called RESOLVE. Someone had posted a tweet that contained a link to a post on RESOLVE's website about "Infertility Etiquette." The headline caught my eye, and I HAD to read. I began reading, and every emotion, every painful word that has ever been spoken to me ran through my mind. What I would have given to have a copy of this "Infertility Etiquette" for all of those people who just didn't get it. I even read the post about etiquette to my husband, and he said, "wow. that really puts it into perspective." So, since my husband approved of the etiquette post, I decided to share portions of it with you throughout the next few. Below is an excerpt from the beginning of the post on RESOLVE's website.
"Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn't coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.
The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.
As the couple moves into infertility treatments, the pain increases while the bank account depletes. The tests are invasive and embarrassing to both parties, and you feel like the doctor has taken over your bedroom. And for all of this discomfort, you pay a lot of money.
A couple will eventually resolve the infertility problem in one of three ways:
- They will eventually conceive a baby.
- They will stop the infertility treatments and choose to live without children.
- They will find an alternative way to parent, such as by adopting a child or becoming a foster parent.
Stay tuned over the next few posts for ways to improve yours or help another person with their infertility etiquette.
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