So today I logged on to my facebook (which is a DAILY ritual). I was reading through my newsfeed of my friends' updates, and I came across one update which hit me like a bug on a windshield. It was an update from one of my friends who I go to college with. You see, they just celebrated their year anniversary. For some reason, her update hit me really hard. I don't know why. Maybe I'm selfish and inconsiderate. Call it what you want, but I'm embarrassed that I felt the way I did. Anyway, her update went like this, "Well now that some people know, we might as well tell everyone....there will be a little Piper (that's their last name) joining the family in November! I will post pictures later to show the baby bump). Oh man did my heart sink. Not only did they just celebrate their year anniversary, I had NO idea they were even trying to have a baby. The more I thought about it the more jealousy set in. I've prayed ever since I was married that the Lord would help me with my jealousy towards pregnant women and people who have kids. I seriously wanted to crawl back into my ginormous bed and cry myself to sleep. I'm unsure why I was so happy for them yet dispised what I read all at the same time. Although I later found out that her status was to trick her husbands family on April Fools Day, I still felt horrible.
I just wish I could get to the point where I can go somewhere and not have to get feelings of resentment towards someone because the Lord blessed THEM with a child instead of us.
Everyday seems to get harder and harder for me. With every cycle that passes by, I wonder if I'll ever become a mom. Will the doctors be able to figure out what's wrong with me? Will I be able to have my first child BEFORE my sister-in-law has her third? I struggle with these thoughts everyday. My dream from the time I was a child was to be a mom. With every pill I take and every month that passes (it has now been 9 months of TTC), I wonder if this is the time that will be MY time to be a mom. Sadly, it looks as if it's not.
Sorry this post is so depressing, I just needed to get this out of me before my heart broke even more.
