Friday, April 1, 2011

I must be a horrible person...

So today I logged on to my facebook (which is a DAILY ritual).  I was reading through my newsfeed of my friends' updates, and I came across one update which hit me like a bug on a windshield.  It was an update from one of my friends who I go to college with.  You see, they just celebrated their year anniversary.  For some reason, her update hit me really hard.  I don't know why.  Maybe I'm selfish and inconsiderate.  Call it what you want, but I'm embarrassed that I felt the way I did.  Anyway,  her update went like this, "Well now that some people know, we might as well tell everyone....there will be a little Piper (that's their last name) joining the family in November!  I will post pictures later to show the baby bump).  Oh man did my heart sink.  Not only did they just celebrate their year anniversary, I had NO idea they were even trying to have a baby.  The more I thought about it the more jealousy set in.  I've prayed ever since I was married that the Lord would help me with my jealousy towards pregnant women and people who have kids.  I seriously wanted to crawl back into my ginormous bed and cry myself to sleep.  I'm unsure why I was so happy for them yet dispised what I read all at the same time.  Although I later found out that her status was to trick her husbands family on April Fools Day, I still felt horrible.

I just wish I could get to the point where I can go somewhere and not have to get feelings of resentment towards someone because the Lord blessed THEM with a child instead of us.

Everyday seems to get harder and harder for me.  With every cycle that passes by, I wonder if I'll ever become a mom.  Will the doctors be able to figure out what's wrong with me?  Will I be able to have my first child BEFORE my sister-in-law has her third?  I struggle with these thoughts everyday.  My dream from the time I was a child was to be a mom.  With every pill I take and every month that passes (it has now been 9 months of TTC), I wonder if this is the time that will be MY time to be a mom.  Sadly, it looks as if it's not.

Sorry this post is so depressing, I just needed to get this out of me before my heart broke even more.


  1. It will be your time soon, and it will be perfect. You never know what God is doing on the sidelines : ) Trust Him. I know that's easier said than done. I'm praying for you daily. Maybe he's preparing you for twins : )

  2. Thank you for following my blog... and sorry to hear that you've been TTC without any luck. It's such a painful and heartbreaking journey.... will be nice to be there with you along the way xoxo

  3. That could be a sad and or happy april fools day trick to play. I guess depending on your aspect of it. i am sorry to hear about your trials. Keep seeking.

    ♥ your friend. Amber

  4. Hey girly! Do you remember Hannoh in the bible? Do you remember how distressed she was because she wanted a baby sooo bad? I have been where you are. Although I eventually got to have my babies it was a long hard road and I wanted a ton of kids. I barely survived having two. God brought me a little angel step son that I love as my own. Keep your head up. Wait. God may not have said no. He may just be saying wait a little while. You're in my prayers sweet girl!

  5. I know how HARD every month is when you're ttc... and I know the mixed feelings that come with the struggle. My brother and his g/f of a month got pregnant with TWINS when we were in the midst of our infertility journey.... somethings just aren't fair! But, we did succeed with invitro (Thank God) and even though we lost our second daughter at 22wks.. I know that God is good, and has a plan for us.
    I'm thinking about you and your husband, and sending all sorts of baby wishes your way! Don't give up hope!

  6. Thanks for following my blog and I am so sorry you are having to go through this as well. Infertility is hard, and some days are way harder than others. You asked about my pcos symptoms; I basically wasn't getting my periods just break through bleeding like clock work every 3 and a half months. I think we had 2 chemcial pregnancies but not sure. My hormones have been out of whack for years (cystic acne) and I've always had trouble losing weight. Other than that, my bloodwork, ultrasounds, and everything else came back as normal. I will be curious to see if the RE says the same but so far they can't figure out why I don't ovulate.

    Sorry it took me a little bit to get back to you and please feel free to ask any other questions. I'll have to go through you old posts and "catch up" so bare with me=) Wishing you all the best!


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