Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Painful reminders of what could have been

Do you ever wonder what life would have been like had you made a different decision somewhere along your journey?  Yes?  No?  Be honest.  Everyone has done it at some point, and today is one of those days for me.

I try not to think about the past and the different paths I could have taken, but some days (like today), it's incredibly hard not to.  I'm not talking about "what would my life be like now had I stayed with my high school boyfriend and not moved to Missouri?" or "Where would I be now if I hadn't stopped working at Starbucks and gone to school to be a nursing assistant?"  I'm talking about the really, really hard stuff.  The kind of stuff that just thinking about it brings me to tears.  If you have read my blog before, you probably know exactly what this post is going to be about, and you'd be right.

Today is a really hard day for me.  After 118 days of waiting for AF, she showed up today.  The last four months have been torture.  I knew if I wasn't having periods, I wasn't ovulating, and that means I wasn't going to get pregnant, but I still held out hope that a miracle would happen.  Usually I handle AF with grace and a few hormonal rants, but this time it's different.  This time my heart is weeping more than normal.  I know that all ladies going through infertility at multiple points in their journey ache when AF shows because it's like their dream died all over again, but for me today is much more than a dying dream.  It's a reminder of what could have been.

You see, back in February when I went to St. Louis, Luke and I had set a date for us to do IVF, money pending.  The only thing that kept us from going through with it was that the money never came through, so we were forced to move on.  As every pre-planned date for IVF passed us and we were still in Springfield, my heart longed for a baby even more.  I remember waking up one morning and saying to myself, "had we gone through with IVF, we would be in St. Louis doing an ultrasound today" or "I would be beginning my injections today."  But when I woke up this morning, I had a painful reminder of what could have been.  Today was scheduled to be my transfer for IVF.  Had we gone through with our IVF plan, I would be Pregnant....Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise.  Today was going to be hard enough on its own, but adding AF just sent my emotions on a downward spiral.  To top off this feeling of emptiness inside me today, I can't help but remember last Friday.  Last Friday I randomly took a pregnancy test because I hadn't seen AF in months.  I remember watching the test light up with the first line, and I waited...30 seconds later, a second FAINT line appeared.  What?  It couldn't be, could it?  "Could I really be pregnant this time," I asked myself.  I saw it.  I saw a faint line.  I didn't even have to squint and tilt my head to see it.  I didn't want to allow myself to get my hopes up, so I searched my bathroom drawers for what I knew was my last pregnancy test.  I took that test, and again...there was another faint line.  At that point, my heart was leaping with unexpected joy.  I ignorantly thought that this just might be the month that I can finally give my husband a child...and just in time for a Father's Day announcement...boy was I wrong.  I waited until Sunday to test again.  Nothing.  That one red line haunted my mind as I tried to sleep.  It kept reminding me of how my body fails me.  And today...Today is just another painful reminder of what could have been.

I would die for that
 Jenny was my best friend.
Went away one summer.
Came back with a secret
She just couldn't keep.
A child inside her,
Was just too much for her
So she cried herself to sleep.

And she made a decision
Some find hard to accept.
To young to know that one day
She might live to regret.

But I would die for that.
Just to have one chance
To hold in my hands
All that she had.
I would die for that.

I've been given so much,
A husband that I love.
So why do I feel incomplete?
With every test and checkup
We're told not to give up.

He wonders if it's him.
And I wonder if it's me.

All I want is a family,

Like everyone else I see.
And I won't understand it
If it's not meant to be.


Cause I would die for that.

Just to have one chance
To hold in my hands
All that they have.
I would die for that.


And I want to know what it's like

To bring a dream to life.
For that kind of love,
What I'd give up!

I would die for that.

Sometimes it's hard to conceive,

With all that I've got,
And all I've achieved,
What I want most
Before my time is gone,
Is to hear the words
"I love you, Mom."


I would die for that.

Just to have once chance
To hold in my hands
What so many have
I would die for that.

And I want to know what it's like

To bring a dream to life.
How I would love
What some give up.

I would die ...
I would die for that.

5 comments:

  1. Sweetheart, We all have times when we think about how our lives could be different, but I think you're torturing yourself. You have a right to grieve, but I hate to see you feeling so miserable. It doesn't matter if it's him. It doesn't matter if it's you. It just is. I pray peace will come to you.

    Love,
    Janie

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  2. I'm so sorry Alicia, those are really tough things all buddled into one hormonal day :( I'm so sorry. Praying for you, praying that the miracle you dream of is closer than you think.

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  3. That sounds rough Alicia. I'm sorry. Some days, when it rains, it pours. It's hard not to ask the questions when you feel so powerless. I know there will be a better day down the road, but it's ok to grieve today for what you've lost.

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  4. I am so sorry that you have been going through all of this. It seriously breaks my heart. I will never understand why life has to be so unfair sometimes. I guess I hafta leave that with the man upstairs. I hate it when pregnancy tests do that. Do you ever wonder if it was a chemical pregnancy or something? The faint lines always made me think.
    It's wonderful that AF finally came. I know it sucks, but it has to be such a relief too.
    Did you write that last part? Is it a poem or a song? Either way it made me cry like a baby.

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