Monday, March 12, 2012

A Revelaton of sorts

"All of this God called 'very good,'" I reminded them, "then he rested."  Caroline raised her hand.  "was he all finished?"  "All done," clamored the boy who had mentioned the spiders.  Caroline looked to me for assurance.  I nodded my head.  "The Bible says that God had finished his work, so he rested on the seventh day."  Caronline had a forlorn look on her face.  "So there was nothing missing?"  "Nope.  God had made everything that Adam and Eve needed.  Creation was conplete."  

An awkward silence fell over the room as the kids shifted in their chairs, waiting to see if Caronline would be bold enough to ask more questions.  She looked puzzled and chewed on her lip for about ten seconds.  Finally she raised her head and blurted out, "But there aren't any children!"

I opened my mouth, then shut it again, staring at the kids' drawing one more time.  No children, not yet...and still God had called it "very good."  Not "almost good" or "okay" or "good-but-it-would-be-better-if..." After he made man and woman, he proclaimed His work finished.  It was complete.  They were complete.  What did that mean for me?  What did it mean for my view of the family?

I stumbled through the rest of the lesson with the import of Caroline's observations pounding through my heart.  Complete, even without children.  Could it be?"

As I read the above passage, I cried.  For the first time in two weeks I was emotional over living child-free.  It wasn't the kind of emotional cry that both Luke and myself were used to me having.  It was a good cry.  A releasing, reassuring, God-hugging-my-heart kind of cry.  For the first time in almost 18 months, I realized that I really did have a family.  Luke and I ARE a family.  For the longest time, I felt as if the lack of children in our lives kept us from reaching some sort of true "family" status, but that's not the case.  We ARE a family!  God created man and woman.  Not children.  Sure they were meant to multiply the earth, but initially God meant for it to be just man and wife.  That's where Luke and I are.  Just a husband and a wife.  No children.  Am I okay with that?  With every day that goes by, I get a little bit stronger and it becomes easier to be okay with living child-free.  

I suppose you can call it a revelation of sorts.  It's okay that we're living child-free (for now) by choice.  That doesn't mean that it's going to last forever (nor does it mean that it won't), but for now it's okay.  It allows for Luke and myself to just be husband and wife.  We can do things that you status-reaching-people with families cannot do.  We can sleep in til 10 (or even 11) in the morning on Saturdays because we don't have little ones to take care of.  We can get in the car and go wherever we want to go because we don't have ballet, karate, dance, and gardening classes to take wee ones to.  I'm sure there's more to that list, but I won't rub it in your face. Just kidding, but seriously though...sleeping in on Saturday is lovely!  

I say all of that not to rub it in your face that I have a freedom that you once had and only wish to had now, but to say that I'm slowly learning to look at the positive side of this season in our lives.  I'd give anything to have a baby and wake up every two hours for the first however many months it wanted to wake up, change diapers til the smell of poo seems to permeate my entire house, but that's not our option.  We don't have that choice.

So, until we do have that option, you can bet that will be sleeping in on Saturdays (so don't call me until after noon--just in case I get crazy and sleep longer than 11), taking random trips to some place I read about a few hours before online, and just enjoy being husband and wife.

The beginning of this post was taken from this book (which I'm currently reading).  I totally recommend it!


  1. I know it's difficult, but you're making progress, and writing about it beautifully.

    Janie Junebug

  2. What a great realization. It's totally true. When people would ask me before we had Brayden when would we have a family I would say "We already have a family. We have each other. We have wonderful parents and great siblings." Our family grew with didn't exist because of him. It grew because of him. And in all seriously sleep til noon! Soak it up. Enjoy it. I know the pain of loving my sleep but wishing I wasn't getting any of it. And I just look back and think dang it. I wish I slept more. :)

  3. That's such a good way of looking at things! I know this can't be easy, but I think you are doing an incredible job handling the situation you were given. I hope you continue to enjoy your family as it is now--because, like you said, child-free or not, you and Luke ARE a family...and it seems quite a strong one, too!

  4. I'm so glad that you're slowly coming to terms with what life has dished out to you. Never lose hope, but enjoy what you have right now. Sleeping on Saturdays is VERY nice :) xo

  5. Good cries are my favorite!! Loving your positive attitude about everything, and loving that there is still hope in your words. You and Luke will always be a family, and that's a beautiful thing. And like you said, you've accepted it, but things can change, and you could get that baby after all. At least you're learning how to enjoy life for what it is now. Thank you for posting again!!
    I've missed you.
    How awesome is it that you found a good book like that! Keep reading girl, I can tell it's really helping.
    That's too funny what you said about peeing a lot. I've always peed a lot. Ryan is totally used to having to wait for me to pee before we go ANYWHERE, hahaha.
    <3 ya lady!

  6. Oh honey I'm so excited for you! I've missed you horribly!

  7. Alicia, what a neat way of looking at this! You are amazing. You wrote this beautifully!

  8. Love it, love it, love it!
    I haven't had a day to sleep in in quite a while. Enjoy. :)

  9. It was so good to hear from you! The only way I can find people is if they come over then I can respond to comments. So annoying. Just letting you know I'm thinking of you kiddo!


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