Thursday, February 16, 2012

If only my heart could speak

If only my heart could speak, right now it would tell you how terrified it is of the IVF consultation tomorrow, how it is scared that it may not get to experience the joys of motherhood like the 50 bazillion people around it, and how it knows that after tomorrow, big decisions have to be made and there's no way around it.

I'm beyond excited that I was given the opportunity for this consultation, but the possible (unknown to us) outcomes scare terrify me.

Today, I'm an emotional wreck (even more so than usual, and I didn't even start Provera yesterday like I was supposed to!).  I can't concentrate.  I can't think clearly right now.  I tried to do some studying for class tonight, and I read the same page ten times before I finally broke down and cried.  I texted Luke and told him that I am nervous about tomorrow, and he replied with, "me too."  I think he's as afraid of the possible outcomes of everything just as much as I am. 

I cannot express how scary this is for me.  If we decide to do IVF and it doesn't work, that will be the end of operation baby Hartley.  We can't afford to do IVF and then adopt if it doesn't work.  We just can't.

I need a peace that passes all understanding. A peace that will steady my heart during this season in our life.  I need to be reassured that no matter the outcome of the current situation that I have a family that will love us even though we can't give them grandchildren and nieces and nephews, a  Lord that will comfort me in the wee hours of the morning when my heart longs to be rocking a baby back to sleep, and a marriage that will last even if life deals us the horrible hand of being childless.

I need a miracle.


  1. Miracles happen to EVERYONE.

    You are just as important as everyone else, ergo... your miracle will come.


  2. As I like to say, "It's hard to see miracles unless you are desperate for them". Unfortunately we don't define when we are desperate enough. God knows your heart and He knows the desires of your heart. He also wants to give you those desires so just praise Him for that and don't stop no matter what you are told. He created the world so even if IVF doesn't work, He could still create Baby H. I'll be praying for your consultation and that it all goes well!!!

  3. Girl, I'll be praying and send you every bit of good vibes that body could muster up. I wish the best of luck, and please, let us know what happens!

    I like your ending paragraph. No matter what the results, you are surrounded with people that love you. Try and find comfort in that.

    *Virtual Hug*

  4. Hang in there. I hope your consultation goes really well tomorrow. I'll be sending good thoughts and prayers your way!!

  5. My friend Carol's daughter had multiple myeloma last spring. Many people, including me, prayed for a miracle. Deedee is cancer free now. I am praying for your miracle, and I'm sure many other people are, too. The world is full of miracles that occur every single day. When you get really nervous, you might try one of the following: read a favorite passage from the Bible; tense, then relax one muscle at a time; visualize a baby growing inside you; take slow deep breaths -- in through your nose and out through your mouth. Breathing exercises and visualization will even help you prepare for labor. I wish I could promise you that this will work. It wouldn't be fair for me to do that. But I promise you I'm praying and thinking about you every single day and night. I have faith in your ability to remain calm and deal with whatever comes your way.


  6. I have been thinking about you tonight. It's 7am, and I haven't slept yet. I already said a special prayer for you, and have been praying for you since I met you. I will be thinking of you all day, and excited to hear all about your appointment! Your fears are very normal hunny. I'm almost 20 weeks pregnant, and still wonder if I'll ever bring a baby home. I think I was crying right along with you tonight. Hang in there girl, God is good, and he surprises us with miracles all the time. Just remember, he will be right by your side at your appointment.
    I'm reaching through the computer right now giving you the biggest hug!!!

  7. Believe, that's really all I can say. Believe with all of your heart. When I went through IVF we didn't have a lot of money or options. It was IVF or adoption, we could not have attempted both. Twenty years ago IVF was still considered "experimental" so even my fertility specialist recommended adoption. I believed with all my being that this was how my baby was going to come to me. As hard as it was I refused to even think about what ifs, I knew it would work. It had to work. I think that attitude and faith move mountains. Your mountain will move and your miracle will come. Have faith and hold strong.


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