Thursday, December 22, 2011

Truth is Thursday


Truth is...When I step in front of the mirror I see a beautiful woman, and the moment I step out the front door, any and all confidence I had in myself disappears.

Truth is... My emotions are too easily swayed by other people and their emotions. 

Truth is... One moment I can be having the best day EVER, and the next moment I'm crying  my eyes out and seeking the closest McDonalds for a sweet tea to comfort me.  (Hormonal much?)

Truth is... I'm not the domesticated wife I should be, and I probably will never reach that status, either.  *gasp*

Truth is... My heart longs for things it shouldn't.

Truth is... I don't understand why God has chosen me to go through this infertility journey knowing that my heart is too easily broken.

Truth is... Tomorrow I'm going to be on my way to Arkansas to see my family for Christmas, and I'm beyond excited, but at one point in my life I did everything within my power to get as far away from them.

Truth is... No matter how good our family Christmas Eve dinner will be, it will never be the same without Poppie being there.

Truth is... I love people, but I avoid going grocery shopping because I have that underlying fear that some pregnant woman will walk in front of me and I'll lose any ounce of composure I had when I walked in the store. 

Truth is... I have no Christmas tree or decorations in my house because holidays are not the same to me as they once were.  They're only gut-wrenching painful reminders that we're left with empty arms for yet ANOTHER holiday.

Truth is... Every time someone has asked me what I wanted for Christmas this year, I wanted to yell at them tell them that Christmases from here on out, until we are blessed with the miracle of having children, I will only long for a sweet, healthy baby to hold in my arms.  Nothing else.  Just a baby. 

Truth is...I wrapped Christmas presents for 2.5 hours last night because I waited to wrap them until I absolutely had to get it done.  (can you say procrastination!?!)  It looked like Christmas threw up in my living room.  No lie.

Truth is... I miss leading worship at church.  The closest I ever felt to God is when I was leading worship.  Since music flows through every vein in my body, it was like leading worship was the one line that connected me with the Lord and where I felt he knew my heart and my brokenness. 

Truth is...I'm such a horrible cook that when I do attempt to cook, I cry.  Like, a lot. 

4 comments:

  1. alicia, this post was so honest. i can feel all the true emotion in it.
    i wish you much peace in the coming year. i know the pain can sometimes seem to outweigh the good...
    i hope the new year and christmas bring you much hope <3
    lots of love
    xoxo
    maria

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  2. Thank you for your sweet comment on my blog! I wish you the best in your journey to motherhood, whatever you decide to do. Keep your head up and your faith strong--I know how you feel when you ask why you were given the burden of infertility. Just believe that you *are* strong enough to overcome it, even if it doesn't feel like it right now. I look forward to following you!

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  3. Yaknow?? Your comment made me say an instant prayer for you. I am HOPING with all of my heart that you do have a miracle! I think it's a good sign that it doesn't feel like af is coming, so I am clinging to that, and I hope you are too. When I got my bfp, I was sitting in bed grumpy all day just waiting for AF to come. I seriously did not leave my bed.. and hmm.. she never came!! I didn't test early that month, but I can tell you that in the past when I would use super sensitive tests, and get bfns, I would end up with bfps later on.. it still may be too early. It's not over until af shows, and I will keep you in my prayers!! Have a wonderful, amazing, blessed Christmas!! <3 Michelle

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