I tried to make it through the night. Honest, I did. Apparently thinking of it all day didn't help me at all. I tried to make it through a holiday without crying, but it just didn't happen. I broke. I told myself that if I handed out candy to the trick-or-treaters that I would be making a step in the right direction. I mean, I could have gotten in my comfiest sweat pants and t-shirt, turned off all the lights in my house and locked the door and then watched tv until my breaking heart was content, but I didn't want to do that. I wanted to try and make it through one holiday and not be "selfish." I didn't want to think about all the parents grumbling and complaining that they HAD to take their kids out trick-or-treating when I was home wishing with all my heart that I had a child that I was blessed enough to take trick-or-treating. But as most things I do, it didn't work out as I had planned.
I'm so angry with myself. I don't want to be like this. I hate not being able to make it through holidays and baby showers/dedications without becoming and emotional wreck. I mean, it's not like I don't make an effort to be different. I really do try, but in the end I break down and withdraw from the people I love. I
know hope and pray that one day I'll be a mom whether it be the natural way or via adoption. Unfortunately, that is not our reality now, so I'm forced to do the best that I can with what I have.
I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. Holidays are the worst! Just remember that you aren't the only one feeling this way, so don't pile on the guilt on top of the hurt, cry it out and know that one day you'll be walking your kiddos around on Halloween too, and you'll appreciate every minute of it.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry.
ReplyDeleteAfter our son died, I got a job as a photographer. I remember one lady angrily yelled at her son, "Smile! Smile." That's when I rushed from the room. I cried and cried. Some people are just too much. They need to appreciate what they have.
I'm thinking about you today.
All I can say here missy is I'm sending you a giant hug.. I'm sorry for your hurt.
ReplyDeleteHowever I think stepping out of your box and doing what is uncomfortable for you will help teach you control. I only say this because I am having to do this on another level and am learning that I can survive even though it's hard. I'm praying for you and know you are often on my heart!