Change in plans

Wow.  Life the past year has been a whirlwind.  Between school, church, fertility testing, treatments, doctor appointments, work, and even more school, I believe I've experienced every emotion possible.  A month ago we made a decision to adopt.  It was a decision that we made to help reconcile the hurt we were feeling during the months of not conceiving.  Now I'm sitting here thinking about the future.  I'm thinking about our lives and where they will lead us knowing that what we're about to do is going to change our future. 

After a lot of consideration, Luke and I have made another decision.  I hope you're sitting down for this.  After talking again, we've decided to not pursue adoption.  Let me explain.  I have finally gained the closure I needed to be okay with not having a child of my own.  Yes, the desire will always be there, and I'll always want to parent a child, but I'm okay with it not being now...or even in the near future.  I think that the infertility testing and treatments have taken me through the faith testing that my heart needed to go through in order to put me in check for what the Lord really has in store for me.  After our decision to adopt, I began to wonder why the Lord has not allowed us to become parents.  In my spirit, I was quickened with a memory of my "other" dream...the dream that I've known I was called to fulfill since I was 11.

The call to missions has always burned in my heart right along side the dream of becoming a mother.  Both have fought one another in this process.  At times I thought to myself, "the Lord knows my desire to be a mom, and He'll be okay with me putting off doing my ministry until I'm a mom."  Ha!  I've learned it does NOT work that way.  Actually, it's quite amazing to think about.

I honestly believe that our decision to adopt WAS the right decision for us (at the time), especially me.  The Lord knew that I needed closure to the fleshly desires of becoming a mother to a child from my own womb.  He knew if I didn't have another avenue that allowed me to accept my incapability of bearing a child, I would never consent and do HIS will for my life now.

I'm not saying we won't ever adopt, but I hope that He (God) will perform a miracle in my life, and one day I'll be able to bear a child of my own.  Whether it's now or five years from now, I'm okay with it.  Had we decided to not try and have a baby a few months ago and focus on our ministries, I would have cried a river of ever flowing tears and thrown myself into some self absorbed depression.  But, I've finally arrived.  I've arrived at that point in my life where I no longer dwell on becoming a mother.  Now I genuinely am ready to see where God leads me.

I'm currently in the process of finishing my degree at Evangel University, and I will have that completed in a year and a half.  Luke is going to begin the process to become an ordained Assemblies of God pastor (he's already credentialed), and that will take a year.  So, during this time, I'm praying for open doors.  Open doors to fulfill my calling for humanitarian work (like Convoy of Hope).  I'll explain more about this in a future post.

I'm sorry I've been missing lately and this update has been long over due.  I hope all of you are well, and I promise I'll get back to daily postings soon!

Alicia Marie