Change in plans

Wow.  Life the past year has been a whirlwind.  Between school, church, fertility testing, treatments, doctor appointments, work, and even more school, I believe I've experienced every emotion possible.  A month ago we made a decision to adopt.  It was a decision that we made to help reconcile the hurt we were feeling during the months of not conceiving.  Now I'm sitting here thinking about the future.  I'm thinking about our lives and where they will lead us knowing that what we're about to do is going to change our future. 

After a lot of consideration, Luke and I have made another decision.  I hope you're sitting down for this.  After talking again, we've decided to not pursue adoption.  Let me explain.  I have finally gained the closure I needed to be okay with not having a child of my own.  Yes, the desire will always be there, and I'll always want to parent a child, but I'm okay with it not being now...or even in the near future.  I think that the infertility testing and treatments have taken me through the faith testing that my heart needed to go through in order to put me in check for what the Lord really has in store for me.  After our decision to adopt, I began to wonder why the Lord has not allowed us to become parents.  In my spirit, I was quickened with a memory of my "other" dream...the dream that I've known I was called to fulfill since I was 11.

The call to missions has always burned in my heart right along side the dream of becoming a mother.  Both have fought one another in this process.  At times I thought to myself, "the Lord knows my desire to be a mom, and He'll be okay with me putting off doing my ministry until I'm a mom."  Ha!  I've learned it does NOT work that way.  Actually, it's quite amazing to think about.

I honestly believe that our decision to adopt WAS the right decision for us (at the time), especially me.  The Lord knew that I needed closure to the fleshly desires of becoming a mother to a child from my own womb.  He knew if I didn't have another avenue that allowed me to accept my incapability of bearing a child, I would never consent and do HIS will for my life now.

I'm not saying we won't ever adopt, but I hope that He (God) will perform a miracle in my life, and one day I'll be able to bear a child of my own.  Whether it's now or five years from now, I'm okay with it.  Had we decided to not try and have a baby a few months ago and focus on our ministries, I would have cried a river of ever flowing tears and thrown myself into some self absorbed depression.  But, I've finally arrived.  I've arrived at that point in my life where I no longer dwell on becoming a mother.  Now I genuinely am ready to see where God leads me.

I'm currently in the process of finishing my degree at Evangel University, and I will have that completed in a year and a half.  Luke is going to begin the process to become an ordained Assemblies of God pastor (he's already credentialed), and that will take a year.  So, during this time, I'm praying for open doors.  Open doors to fulfill my calling for humanitarian work (like Convoy of Hope).  I'll explain more about this in a future post.

I'm sorry I've been missing lately and this update has been long over due.  I hope all of you are well, and I promise I'll get back to daily postings soon!

Alicia Marie

Steady my heart oh God...

I was beginning to get used to the idea of not trying to have my own child.  I was becoming happy with our decision, and everything was looking up, but something changed.  Something happened.  

Maybe it's my lack of sleep this past week, or maybe it's not, but all I know is that I feel....different.  I'm happy, yet I feel like there is a hole in my heart that can only be filled by one thing.  It's so hard to describe what I'm feeling.  It's very much overwhelming.  I have been accepting of our decision, and I know it's the right one for us at this point in our lives, so why do I feel like I'm missing something?

I often wonder if it's not the baby issue that's surfacing this void in my life.  I know that here have been points in my life where the Lord has placed something on my heart, and I think now might be one of those times.  I can't pinpoint exactly what it is that I feel that I need or even (possibly) want to do, but it's just there.  Maybe I'm crazy, but has anyone else felt an emptiness inside that could not be pinpointed to one specific reason?  

I know that I'm blessed beyond measure, and I feel that I am being a tad bit selfish, but I can't help it.  Something is missing in my life.  There is a void.  Maybe it's the baby issue, or maybe it's something greater than that, but it's incredibly emotionally exhausting.  

All I know is that I feel there is something greater for my life that has yet to come about.  Hopefully it is in the making, and it will reveal itself in due time.  I pray that it does.  I need it to.  I need to feel complete.

I know that this post is very random and sort of depressing, and for that I apologize.  I guess since I've been up late this week doing homework, I've had more time to myself to think about my life.  I hope no one gets the impression that I'm selfish because that is not my intention.  I've always been a planner since I have a fear of the unknown.  I guess this unknown in my life is getting to me.  

This is what I have been thinking about lately....

^{James 1:2-4}

² Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, ³ because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. ⁴ Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

Hartley Baby Adoption Fund

Alright ladies and gents... here it goes!

After much contemplation, I have decided to add a "Donate" button on the side of my blog for the "Hartley Baby Adoption Fund."  As many of you would guess (and many know), adoption is not cheap.  Luke and I have set up a specific savings account for our adoption fund.  We put all extra money (excluding paychecks) into this savings account.  For any birthday, holiday, or special event that people would normally give gifts for, we're asking for a donation to our adoption fund.  We want more than anything to be parents to a very deserving child somewhere out there (and soon to be born!).  We have so much love and compassion to give, and we would LOVE to be parents to a beautiful child!

With this said, I ask you to consider (please don't feel obligated!) donating to one of the best (for us, at least) causes out there...ADOPTION!  If you or someone you know has known the joy of adoption and would like to help us, we would be MORE than appreciative!

If you (or someone you know) donates to our adoption fund, please leave me a comment letting me know!  I want to be able to send a personal THANK YOU card from Luke and myself for your contribution to completing our family!

If you are not able to contribute to our adoption fund, please keep us in your prayers!  Beyond the money we have to raise, we want the Lord to bless our home and our efforts in growing our family.  

We may not have all the money in the world, but we have so much love to give!

**A PROMISE**

We promise, with the Lord as my witness, that this post is genuine and heartfelt.  Any and ALL information provided in this post is legitimate and the complete truth.  We will not take your money and blow it on drugs, alcohol, or anything of that nature.  We promise that all funds go DIRECTLY to the HARTLEY BABY ADOPTION FUND that is set up at our Credit Union!

Thank you for your thoughts, prayers, and donations!

Luke and Alicia Hartley!

The decision...

This past year has been a faith stretching, marriage testing kind of year.  If you've ever been on the same path as Luke and myself, you know exactly how I'm feeling right now.  You've cried yourself to sleep, you've wept uncontrollably, and nothing anyone said to you comforted your heart.  With every passing month your heart sank a little farther in your chest.  After my Endocrinologist appointment, Luke and I sat down and decided we are tired of month after month of disappointments.  We decided that we aren't going to put ourselves through this anymore.

We made a decision...

A decision that will change our journey.  A decision that also holds uncertainty, but one that we can see a light at the end of the tunnel.  After many hours of weeping before the Lord asking Him for a child to call our own, we feel as if the door to conceiving a child of our own has been closed.  As the saying goes, "where one door closes, another one opens."  This has been the case for us.  We've weighed the pros and cons of our decision, and without a doubt we feel that we've made the best decision for our lives.  We're adopting.  I know that adopting a child has it's downfalls too, but we acknowledge that.

I've come to grips that it's not the right time for me to conceive.  If I ever end up pregnant, it's not because of the doctors or the medicines they put me on, it would be by the grace of God that I bare a child in my womb.  I'm beyond ready to stop being so in tune with my body.  I'm ready to get back my life.  This infertility journey has stolen away most of my happiness, and I'm ready to become the new and improved Alicia Marie.  The Alicia who is even more understanding of other people and their pain.  The Alicia who is no longer afraid to go to hospitals and baby showers because it hurts too much to see other people happy about their baby.  I'm ready to put this behind us and move on to the new life we're going to live in the adoption world.

It's my prayer that everyone who reads this, or hears about our journey, will understand why we chose this new path and that they will accept it and support us.  We know that adopting costs a lot of money, but just as we did with our infertility journey, we're trusting that God will provide one way or another.  Even though the past (almost) year of infertility has stretched me mentally, I thank God for it.  I thank God that I have had the opportunity to meet new people who understand what I have felt.  I thank Him for being there in the darkness of the night when I weep from the sadness in my heart and for the peace that has passed all my understanding.  I am not worthy of His goodness, but I thank Him for everything He has done. 

We decided....

Luke and I have made a decision, but I'm not going to post it just yet.  I'm going to give a few days before I post it so that we can tell our families.  Sorry guys, family first!  

The last two days I've been really nauseous.  I wake up nauseous and go to bed the same way.  I don't know if it's the new medicine I'm on or what, but I hope it goes away soon!  AF hasn't arrived yet, but I haven't receive my BFP either...so, I'm just waiting for AF to show up after taking her sweet little time.  

We started our diet and exercise yesterday.  We're doing it together, so we have accountability.  I went the whole day without a sweet tea...talk about a miracle!  I am not into the whole working out thing, so I've been thinking about taking Zumba classes.  Have any of you ladies done Zumba?  It looks a WHOLE lot more fun than working out at the gym!

Well, if I don't get off here I'm going to be late for work!

So long!

Alicia Marie

A Fork In the Road

There's always a point in our lives where there seems to be a fork in the road.  One path seems very hopeful, and the other seems uncertain.  Luke and I have hit our fork in the road.  I told you about the amazing opportunity we have been given to join Angel Adoption and adopt a child.  This is the (partially) hopeful part of our fork in life.  Of course we want a child to call our own, but the money for this is definitely intimidating.  We're looking at over $14,000 just in advertising fees.  That number isn't including the $1,000 home study fee, and the attorney and court fees of approximately $2,500.  In the end, we're looking at about $20,000.  That's a lot of money.  Nothing I own is even worth $20,000.  We feel that the Lord has opened the door to adoption (based on the odds of getting chosen to be one of the 6 couples a month out of the entire U.S. who apply).  We're trusting that God will help us come up with at least the initial $14,000 for the agency fee, if not the entire $20,000.  We're talking about a lot of faith here.  I know that the Lord can provide that kind of money; He has done it before.  When I first came to Evangel University, I had no scholarships, and I had to come up with close to $20,000 in loans.  He provided.  Not only did he do it once, but TWICE while at Evangel.  I know it can be done as long as it is His will for our lives. 

The other path of this fork is the natural way; the way we initially wanted.  Why my ovaries are riddled with cysts, and I can't get pregnant, much less ovulate, on my own is beyond my understanding.  I've tried to understand why this has happened to us, but I can't.  I want to be able to bear my own child, but that possibility has grown darker with each passing month.  Of course, I still have my Endocrinologist appointment on Tuesday, but I do not see a light at the end of this tunnel.  I've prayed all my life for my future child(ren), and I can't seem to produce one; how ironic.  I would give anything to walk into the Endo's office on Tuesday and hear him tell me that there is 100% chance of getting pregnant, but, honestly, I don't see that happening.  I have put so much faith in getting pregnant over the last (almost) 11 months that I'm worn.  My faith in this path of life seems to have almost diminished.

I'm torn.  I do have faith that the Lord will provide one way or the other, but which way He decides is beyond me.  I know He's faithful.  I need help.  I need prayers.  And most importantly, if adoption is the path that the Lord has paved for us, I need funding.   I joked with Luke a few nights ago about putting a "DONATE" button on my blog for the "Hartley Adoption Fund."  I know only a small amount of people read my blog and no one would donate for this, but sometimes it doesn't hurt to dream, right?

So, I guess what I'm getting at is that helpful suggestions are welcome, but please please PLEASE do NOT tell me that I'm young and I can wait.  I do NOT want nor need to hear those kind of things.  I need positive, reaffirming suggestions and comments 

Is this it?

Last night we decided to go through with the phone conference with the lady from the Adoption Agency.  We called her at 4 pm and she didn't answer.  We called another 4 times in the next 15 minutes before she finally answered.  I was beginning to think that it was our sign that adoption isn't meant for us.  I told the lady who we were and that we had a phone conference at 4.  She politely apologized and said that she had a sudden emergency and had to take one of her kids to the E.R.  I told her that was okay, and she said she would call us back when she got home. 

We waited about three more hours and finally my phone rang.  It was her.  She apologized again for having to delay the conference and asked when was best for us to talk with her.  We had stopped our movie, so we told her that "now is okay".  She went through the info about the agency and asked if we had any questions.  I probably asked ten questions.  She answered very confidently.  When we were about to end the call, she told us that she would be sending out an email the next day (today) to the couples (they only accept 6 couples a month) they accept.  I thanked her for her time, and we ended the call.

As I went to bed last night, I prayed that if this was the path that we need to go down then the door would be completely opened.  If adoption isn't what we should be doing then I asked the Lord to not allow us to be accepted.  I prayed that so fervantly last night.

I got in the shower to get ready to go to work and once again prayed the exact prayer as I did last night.  "Lord, if adoption is the path that you want us to go down, please open the door and open it wide...if it's not your will for us to do adoption, please do not allow us to get accepted into the program this month."  I got out of the shower and heard my computer ding.  It was a new email.  I went to the computer and saw that the email was from Angel Adoption.  I took a deep breath and opened it.  Here is what it said, "

Dear Alicia & Jared,

I would like to thank you for your interest in Angel Adoption. It was a pleasure talking to you and getting the opportunity to tell you about Angel Adoption’s program.

I would like to formally extend an invitation to you to join Angel Adoption in the month of June; I feel that you would be an asset to our program. Please call Sue for further instructions on how to sign up.

We look forward to building your family through adoption. We will work diligently with you to help you realize your desire to adopt a child. Our partnership becomes more effective as the trust between us develops-a trust that we earn with each new couple we choose to help. "

I couldn't believe it.  We were accepted into their agency for this month.  Did this mean we were on the road to having a baby in our arms?  Is adoption what the Lord has in store for us?

What do you think?  How would you react in my situation?  I still have an Endocrinologist appointment next Tuesday.  Can he help me get pregnant on my own?  What about adoption?  Oh, the many question going through my head right now!

I love soggy cereal...

Despite the title, this post is not about eating soggy cereal, although I am.  Quickly, let me explain.  I let my cereal sit in a bowl of milk for a few minutes before I eat it.  I hate crunchy cereal.  The crunch reminds me of the too familiar sound of dying grasshoppers underneath my husbands shoe.  Yes, I know this is a stupid thing to relate cereal to, but I can't help it.  We've killed so many grasshoppers in our house that every time I hear a crunch it grosses me out.  Seriously!

Anyway, the whole point of this post was to tell you that I did it again.  I called the Endocrinologist this morning to see if they could get me an appointment any sooner than June 15.  It worked.  She got me an early appointment for next Tuesday, June 7.  I am beyond thrilled with my appointment changing skills.  It's not that I wasn't satisfied with my last appointment change, but it landed on a day and time that I was supposed to be in my Summer Statistics class.  I really didn't want to miss a class, so luckily there was an opening before then at a time that does not interfere with anything I have to do!

Today is Tuesday, and we are SUPPOSED to have a phone interview with a lady from Angel Adoption.  We've had the appointment scheduled for two weeks (basically after I found out that I have PCOS).  I'm scared that if I do get pregnant that it's going to end in another miscarriage, and I don't want that.  I don't want to live in fear that I could loose my child.  We've talked about adoption on and off over the last six months, but the reality of it possibly happening didn't occur until my ultrasound a few weeks ago.  I don't know if we'll end up talking with the lady or not.  When I set up the phone meeting for today, I was expecting to have to wait almost three months before I could see the Endocrinologist.  Everything moved so quickly that I am beginning to wonder if we should wait it out to see what the doctor says he can do for me.

Well, I hadn't planned to mention the adoption thing, but it happened.  So there you go.  There's the latest update.