Shifting

As Luke and I are getting closer to having children in our home, the realization that things are going to be really different is setting in.  The differences in our lives are becoming more and more noticeable with every day that passes.  

Our relationships with people (and each other) have started to change.  Luke and I have spent a lot of time recently trying to establish our lives as a normal couple again.  Ever since the beginning of our marriage (especially after my first miscarriage in '09), our life together has been spent worrying and stressing over our infertility.  We had lost focus on the wonderful thing that God had given us--each other.  We were too busy going from one appointment to the next.  Taking this medicine and that.  Wondering how we were going to pay for the next ultrasound or blood draw.  It was tiring, and unfortunately we simply just lost focus on one another.  On our relationship.  But, thankfully I can now say that life is different for us.  Just this morning, Luke and I cuddled, laughed, had breakfast together, and we talked about our future with foster care--and all of that was before 7 A.M.  Instead of focusing on getting pregnant and then trying to remain pregnant, we have shifted our lives back where they should have been all along--celebrating the gift of marriage. I cannot count the amount of laughs we have shared the last few months.  There was a good year in my life where I couldn't laugh, but all I could do was cry.  The pictures people have of me during that time show an Alicia that looked sad, lonely, and rarely (if ever) smiled.  I'm so thankful that I'm finding my smile again.

Also, I've noticed that rather than being drawn to infertility blogs, I've shifted to foster care and adoption blogs.  I've taken myself off most of the social media groups about infertility, as well.  It's not that I am better than anyone going through infertility.  Even though I'm going to have children in my home, some who we may end up adopting or some who may go back to their biological parents, I'm still infertile. That deep longing to bear my own child is still there.  Having children in my home will not change my PCOS, my inability to have a successful pregnancy, or my infertility.  It is what it is. 

With that said, inevitably, my blog will begin to shift.  When I first began to blog, it was all about random things going on in my life.  Then during my infertility struggles, my blog became my solace.  The one place I could go to where I felt completely accepted.  I could write down those dark emotions and purge myself of those horrible thoughts.  Now that we're going to be foster parents, naturally my posts will shift from infertility related things to 2am feedings and diaper changing stories.  That's okay, though.  This has been what I've wanted for so, SO long. 

We have a lot to look forward to, and we are so excited to share (what we can) with you.

Blessings,

Alicia Marie