I was on the phone with our caseworker who finally called today. We were discussing our first home visit and all the paperwork we'll need to have completed before we meet with her. We had been waiting for her to call for weeks. It was a special moment, planning for our future, and just like that...grief blindsided me. I began to suddenly think of all the things we're going to miss out on now that we're going to be foster parents.
I won't get to experience the joy of people congratulating me on a pregnancy. I won't get to feel a baby move for the first time in my stomach. I won't get to go to doctor's appointments and look forward to ultrasounds that show a growing baby. I won't be able to have a baby shower with beautifully wrapped presents with cute little bows. All of the aspects of pregnancy, even the morning sickness and midnight cravings, I mourn tonight.
I know what we're doing is going to make a lasting impact on other people, but for right now, my heart hurts. I'm not sure that it's jealousy that I'm feeling, but more of a huge void that won't be fulfilled. I'll always wonder what it would have been like to be pregnant through all three trimesters and leave a hospital with a baby (or two!) in our arms.
This is supposed to be a happy, anticipating time in our lives (and it is), but right now, at this moment...I can't help but wonder "what if."
I'm sorry. I don't know what you are feeling. BUt I would think that those are normal feelings to have. Grieving your biological child is probably healthy. Maybe when you have the child that your meant to parent...the loss won't feel as huge.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure what to say, because I have bore 3 children. But being a mother is not defined by bearing the children, but rearing the children. I think that what you are feeling are real, natural, normal feelings.
ReplyDeleteAll of your feeling are totally valid girl! It's so hard no matter what road you take. It's painful dealing with infertility! Sending prayers your way :)
ReplyDeleteIt's a painful road, even when there are good things happening. Totally natural. BTW, I've nominated you for a Liebster award :)
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry for all you're feeling right now. I've been down both roads - pregnancy, as well as foster care. They've both been wonderful and unique. Lately as we prepare for the children we've been fostering to leave our home, everyone keeps telling me that they're so sorry for us that we have to say goodbye to the kids. And I want to tell all those well-meaning people that I'm so sorry for them that they aren't foster parents, that they haven't had this most amazing experience. I'm not sure if that will bring you any comfort, but do know that fostering is a truly incredible journey, and you'll get to experience such amazing highs that most of the world doesn't even realize they're missing out on.
ReplyDeleteThe blog adventuresofsl.com shares some special ways that they enjoyed and celebrated their foster care "pregnancy." Here's a good one: http://adventuresofsl.com/2012/04/19/our-pregnancy/
I can identify with your grief in a way... although I was lucky enough to experience almost 20 weeks of pregnancy, my grief is terrible for all that I missed out on, the baby shower, the waddling and big tummy, the experience of giving birth (to a live baby), the maternity pics, everything. The loss is overwhelming.
ReplyDeleteI can say, though, that I enjoyed being a foster mom to my foster son (before he went home) very much, it was truly rewarding and gratifying in many ways. It's different, but no less special. You will always grieve the loss of not having the pregnancy and birth experience, but you will also have a different experience that you will treasure, although the two are never interchangeable.