A Majestic Orchestration

As believers, we're told that "everything happens for a reason" and that "God has a plan."  I've always found those statements hard to accept.  Maybe it's because one of my biggest personality flaws is that I doubt a lot of things.  I doubt everything, really.  I doubt that I'll graduate on time, that I'll ever be a mom, and if I were to be completely honest, sometimes I doubt that my marriage will withstand infertility and all life has thrown at us.  I used to think those sayings were so cliche and overused, but that was because I had never truly experienced a time in my life where I could honestly say that my life lined up exactly how I needed it to, until last night. 

Last night, through casual conversation, the Lord spoke to my heart about something I have been burdened with for quite a while.  I have been struggling with the concept that God orchestrates every detail of our life.  Whether those details involve emotional struggle or a mountain top experience, He is there and knows exactly what He is doing.  Until tonight, I couldn't fathom why my life has turned out the way it has.  It's not that my life is completely crummy (sure, I've been dealt some pretty crummy cards), but that nothing makes sense to me.

I don't understand why I have been called to do overseas ministry with children but can't fulfill that calling.  I don't understand why it took me four years to get my associates degree (granted, I did get married and took a semester off) and am now in the professional studies program as a 22 year old.  I should have graduated with my B.A. in 2011, not my A.A., but alas! I didn't.

Often I've mentioned what amazing support I've had from all of my online friends whether it be through my blog, or twitter.  I thank God for you ladies all the time because until last night I felt as if I had no one else to understand my need (yes, that's what it is) and desire to become a mom.   As I've hinted at, last night was an ah ha moment for me.

It finally hit me that God really knows what I need, and what I've needed the last few years.  It has been the relationships that I've formed through Evangel that I've needed the most.  I no longer feel so alone, and for once I feel understood.  God has orchestrated my life in such a way that I have optimal support for the situations in my life right when I need them, and His choice of people to bring in my life have been nothing short of miraculous.  No matter the problem that arises in my life, especially over the last year, He has placed someone in my life that is struggling with the same problem, and at the same time has given me someone that has overcome the very same problem.  That's the amazing thing about Christ, He knows exactly what we need.  He knows that for me it's one thing to have people in my life that understand what I'm feeling and who are going through the same thing so I don't feel alone, but I also need someone in my life that has overcome the same problem and has a testimony of God's work in their life.  It's not enough for me to feel understood and not alone, I need to feel that there's hope.  Hope for me is a big deal.  I need to know that I won't be in a state of desperation forever, but need to feel that God will deliver me from the valley, and I need legitimate example...not just well meaning Christians saying it'll all be okay.

I see it as a majestic orchestration.  Here's how I view my experience from last night.  Take the score to a beautiful orchestral piece.  There are multiple parts played by different instruments.  Each instrument has their specific part to play, and while it may seem like an unimportant part to play compared to other instruments, in the grand scheme of things, that specific part of the score is a very integral part of the song.  When each instrument plays their part alone, some may make sense and can be easily picked out as an "important" part, while others leave you wondering if it is even needed for the song to be complete.  But, even that small, "unimportant" part in the orchestra score does matter.  When all of the parts are combined, even the smallest of parts is needed to complete the song.  Without each instrument playing their piece of the song, it would not be complete.  The same goes with our lives.  We all have things that happen in our lives that we wonder, "do I really need to go through this?" and "why did this happen this way?"  It's because God is an amazing composer of life.  He places people and situations in our lives at the perfect spots in our lives to create an amazing, complex, score.  Every person and situation in our lives are needed in ways we may never understand this side of Heaven, but I am so thankful.

I am so thankful that I have a God that knows my deepest desires and my needs.  Whether he grants me my hearts desires or not, I know that His hand has been on my life in ways that I could have never planned for myself.