Thursday, November 17, 2011

Forever in my heart, never in my arms...

To my sweet, precious bundle of joy that I have always dreamt of.

For as long as I can remember, you and I were so close.  No matter where I went, there you were; you were always with me in my heart.  For years, you were the one that I clung to when times were rough.  You were my only hope, and you helped me make it through the days when I felt I could no longer go on. 

I remember as a child I would pretend that I would hold you tight in my arms with your body against mine and your baby breath warm on my chest.  I would admire the fine, light brow hair that sparsely covered your head, and would kiss the tiny little fingers that wrapped themselves around mine.  I loved those days.  Those were the most special, precious days, and I looked forward to them for years.

As I grew older, the reality of you and I seemed to fade.  It was a year ago when it hit me that I was really loosing you.  The doctors kept telling me that having you in my life was not a possibility and that I should move on without you.  I didn't believe them.  I fought for you.  I hope you know that I fought for you with every ounce of my being, and I didn't want to give up on  you.  People began to talk and they said incredibly hurtful things to me, but I wasn't ready to give you up just yet.  You and I were meant to be together.  I was meant to be your mommy.

For hours upon hours, and day after day I longed to be with you.  I wanted to be with you so much that even in my sleep I would dream of you.  I often think back to the time when my life's plans consisted of having you around, but now that isn't possible.  I still hold the memories of us one day being together close to my heart, but I had to move on.

Even though I'll never hold you in my arms, kiss your little chubby cheeks, or sing you to sleep, you'll always be my baby.  My baby that I so desperately longed for, prayed for, and the one that I mourn over.

Loosing you, my sweet, little bundle of joy, has been the hardest thing I have ever, EVER had to go through.  I ask God every day why He never sent you to me, and I have yet to receive an answer.  All I can think of is that I was given the desire to have you in my life, to nurture you, to watch you grow, only to make it from one day to the next.  I believe you were placed in my heart to save me.  Maybe I needed you and the thoughts of you being in my life more than you would ever need me if you were here.

Maybe, just maybe..........

**This post is an entry for The Golden Sky Blogfest that The Crazy Life of a Writing Mom is putting on.  The rule I had to follow for this entry was, "write a post as tribute to someone you have lost.  Make it something special that other people can relate to and remember.  (Fictional pieces are welcome as well)."**

EC Writes


  1. I'm so sorry for your loss...your words have touched me deeply. I pray for you.

  2. Probably one of your most touching and moving post my friend.. I mourn for you also.. Big hugs. Thank you for sharing your comment today. It meant a lot to me. One more thing we have in common huh?

  3. What a beautifully written post! Very touching. Thank you for your comment on my blog. Following you right back! :)

  4. This is so powerful. Oh, Alicia . . . I so hope that you'll have a baby someday.

  5. Also following. And as for your comments on my blog... there is NO SUCH THING as a chemical miscarage. As soon as you know you're a mother, it's a baby. My heart breaks for your loss.

    I have PCOD (I think that's the same as PCOS) and I tried for five years. We were about to start inferiility treatments when the doctor said I was already pregnant (10 weeks!) I thought it would take forver to have a second. In fact it happened the very next time.

    There is hope for you, much hope. And there are thousands of babies that need Mommas after their born, not just to carry them. Don't rule out that as an option. Pregancy only lasts 9 months and 3 weeks. Being a mother lasts forever.

  6. Forever in our hearts. Ain't that the truth!

  7. What a beautiful and bittersweet post. You write beautifully! I'm a new follower and I'm off to read more. So sorry for your loss, keep your head up, while difficult, it is incredibly important so you can move forward!

  8. Very touching, Alicia. So much emotion that's hard to convey. {hugs}

  9. What a beautiful, heartbreaking post. Thank you for sharing that with us. I can't imagine it was easy!

  10. P. S. Your comment today was so sweet. Today is turning into such a wonderful day :0)


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