After all the talk of being okay with not pursuing a baby of our own, I've regressed.
It hit me today like a ton of bricks....
I'm not going to be a mom.
The words, like a knife, slice my heart into pieces every time they cross my mind. I have been okay with our decision. I moved on, or so I thought.
What I don't understand is why it's coming back today. Why do these feelings of inadequacy and failure have to sneak up on me when things in life seem to be going so well?
Before today, I was the happiest I have been in a very long time. I was finding the positive side of life again, but all the sudden my new found happiness slipped away from me. Not only did it slip away, it disappeared.
I do NOT like this feeling. I've tried so very hard to tell myself that I am adequate and that I am loved and cherished whether I am a mom or not. I tried so hard to remind myself that I am not defined by infertility; rather, I am defined by Christ who lives in me.
I just want to be able to be happy in life, but it seems as if life doesn't want me to be happy!
I just want to be able to be happy in life, but it seems as if life doesn't want me to be happy!
Sometimes grief is a cycle, coming and going. Every time it comes back though, that's another chance to deal with your emotions and heal. I know because after Zeke died, sometimes it would hit me, years later. But after awhile, each time the pain came I learned how to handle it correctly (for me) and slowly, the pain lessened and I came to terms with things.
ReplyDeleteI'm praying for you.
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