After we received news from the Urologist that there was nothing that he could do for Luke, I began to sink into another slump. A slump that led to more worry and hurt than before. I had tried everything to get the doctors to help us as much as they could, but they said this was it; they couldn't help us anymore. If we wanted a chance at having a baby, we had to do more evasive treatments (IVF). To be honest, I was angry. I refused to accept that the Urologist would just dismiss Luke after only meeting him once. In my mind, it wasn't fair to us that he wouldn't even try to put him on medicine to see if it would help. I saw it as giving up on us, and if I hadn't given up, why would the doctor?
This journey has been rough, to say the least. Over the last year, 3 months and 4 weeks (not that I'm counting or anything), I have experienced many moments of God's wonderful Grace in my life. There have been moments of peace that have come over me like a big, fleece blanket in the winter. The warmth I felt in my heart after the world left it so cold and empty, renewed my faith and hope in my Creator. Maybe my relationship with God is different than most. I've heard people say that they've felt the Lord speak to them in their dreams, in their cars on the way to work, or even in the quietness of the night. For me, the Lord speaks differently. Maybe one could claim I'm not tuned into the Lord the way that I should be, but I don't think that this is the case. The Lord, with the most important timing, speaks to me through music. Whether it be a song that plays on the radio at the perfect time or a song I've not heard in years that comes to mind, I know that the Lord hears the cry of my heart and comforts me when I need Him the most.
There is one specific song that I play time and time again because it basically outlines the last year and 4 months. It refers to the battles in life, the trials and the pain. I've held this song dear to my heart, especially as a worship leader. If I could choose one song to define the rest of my life, THIS song would be it. Below are the lyrics, I hope you enjoy!
The Desert Song
This is my prayer in the desert
And all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need
My God is the God who provides
And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flames
And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here
And this is my prayer in the battle
When triumph is still on it's way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand
And all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need
My God is the God who provides
And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flames
And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here
And this is my prayer in the battle
When triumph is still on it's way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand
All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship
This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be emptied again
The seed I've recieved I will sow
