Etiquette

Oftentimes I've thought to myself, "did they REALLY just say that to me?"  If I had a nickle for every time I have had someone say a hurtful, insulting comment to me throughout my infertility journey, I'd be rich!  I know many people mean well, and I understand that, but I have wished that there was SOMETHING that they could read so that they could realize how insensitive and hurtful they were really being.

This past year I have done my fair share of explaining to people why I get offended or hurt by their harsh, often well-meaning, words.  No words I have spoken ever seemed to make sense to anyone, and I was constantly searching for the right way to tell people to BACK OFF!

It wasn't until I started seeking avenues via Twitter that I found a  group called RESOLVE.  Someone had posted a tweet that contained a link to a post on RESOLVE's website about "Infertility Etiquette."  The headline caught my eye, and I HAD to read. I began reading, and every emotion, every painful word that has ever been spoken to me ran through my mind.  What I would have given to have a copy of this "Infertility Etiquette" for all of those people who just didn't get it.  I even read the post about etiquette to my husband, and he said, "wow. that really puts it into perspective."  So, since my husband approved of the etiquette post, I decided to share portions of it with you throughout the next few.  Below is an excerpt from the beginning of the post on RESOLVE's website.

"Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn't coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.


The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.

As the couple moves into infertility treatments, the pain increases while the bank account depletes. The tests are invasive and embarrassing to both parties, and you feel like the doctor has taken over your bedroom. And for all of this discomfort, you pay a lot of money.

A couple will eventually resolve the infertility problem in one of three ways:

• They will eventually conceive a baby.
• They will stop the infertility treatments and choose to live without children.
• They will find an alternative way to parent, such as by adopting a child or becoming a foster parent.

Reaching a resolution can take years, so your infertile loved ones need your emotional support during this journey. Most people don't know what to say, so they wind up saying the wrong thing, which only makes the journey so much harder for their loved ones. Knowing what not to say is half of the battle to providing support."

Stay tuned over the next few posts for ways to improve yours or help another person with their infertility etiquette.

Clarification....

I think some people may have misunderstood what I have said in my blogs over the past week.  So, allow me to explain.

Last Monday when I was diagnosed with PCOS, I was devastated.  I was really hoping that the doctor would reveal to me that he knows what's wrong with me AND that he could fix it.  Well, that didn't happen.  Instead, he told me that I have PCOS and there's no cure.  Sure, he's gonna have me go to an endocrinologist, but that doesn't guarantee that I will be able to conceive.  

I'm still grieving from the news.  I always thought it would be easy to get pregnant because my desire to be a mom stems back from when I was a little kid.  I realize that PCOS is treatable and that medications can be taken to help balance hormones, but that's not always the case with everyone.  Depending on how severe ones symptoms are, it determines the chances of conceiving.  

Just because I'm young doesn't mean that I'll be able to conceive a child (or that I can't).  I honestly don't want to hear that I have many years a head of me to try to have a child of my own.  Yes, time is on my side, but that doesn't guarantee that I'll be able to conceive!  Who wants to hear statements like that?  If there was something I could do that would allow women who want children of their own to be able to conceive the first month they try, I would do it!  No one WANTS to wait years for the missing piece of their heart!  NO ONE!  So don't make me feel like my raw emotions are a bad thing.  I reserve the right to feel down at times if I want to.  It's my body that's failing us.  I have reason to cry about this. 

So, forgive me for saying this, but age doesn't matter.  Infertility effects all kinds of women (and men).  Infertility does NOT care how old you are, what your skin color is, or where you live....IT JUST HAPPENS...

So please be kind, and think before you speak.  

What IF...

Over the past ten months (as of yesterday) there have been a lot of "what IF" questions that streamed through my mind.  The one that I found myself saying the most is, "what if I won't ever be given the chance to be a mom?"

I found a video on another blog that I loved and wanted to share with you.  The road we're on is tough, but we don't want to be victims of something we can't control.  How do we help this issue that effect so many women around the world? 


Advocacy!

I want to be a part of a generation of "infertile" women who FIGHT for becoming the moms that they want to be.