It's a God thing

The coolest thing happened today on my way into work.  Every day I play a Hillsong CD in my car, and I listen to it all the way to and from work (and anywhere I go!). I’m obsessed with this CD to say the least.  Anyway, one of my favorite songs on the CD has always been desert song.  I have often repeated it over and over again just because the lyrics ring so true to my life.

Today, I came into work a little later than normal because I stayed almost an hour later yesterday.  On my way to work, the desert song came on and I started thinking about all that Luke and I are going through with finances, infertility, and marital issues.  The part of the song that says,

“And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flames” 

 was playing and I looked over to my left and I was passing the Head Start bus as it was going to Springfield to the discovery center and I was headed to work.  Something inside me, deep down, said it’s all going to be alright.  Chills ran down my spine, tears began to form in my eyes. Just as I passed the Head Start bus and it was out of my sight, the lyrics that say,

“All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing I have a reason to worship” 

 were playing.  How fitting.  Sometimes I need a reminder that everything will be okay. God has me exactly where he wants me. He knew I needed a reminder today.  He knew my heart had been breaking more these last few days than they have been in the past. I count it a blessing to be where I am. It’s definitely a God thing that I’m in this position.  He knew I needed great, supportive, CHRISTIAN people in my life (especially Jennifer--the other family advocate—she’s such a blessing to me, and she has no idea!) that I can talk to about things and that I needed these kiddos to help fill that deep void in my life. 

How great is our God?

 Greater than my words could ever express.

Let's talk about boobies.

Ummm, hello October!  Where did you come from? 

I can't believe that we're halfway through October and sailing towards November.  Crap, time seems to fly when life gets busy!

I guess you could say that I'm a busy lady.  I started classes back up after taking a little bit of a Summer break for my Vegas trip.  So, alongside my 18 hour school schedule, I got a promotion at the beginning of October.  I say it's a promotion because it's a better position, and I'm making more money with a solid 40 hours a week.  So, starting October 4th, I'm the new Family Advocate for Ozark Head Start.  I'd explain to you what I do, but I could be talking all day long.  Basically, I do a lot of case management.  I think it's cool, I mean...I'm enjoying it so far.  The best part is that I get my own office.  Granted it's the size of a closet, but it's mine.  ALL MINE!

October has been a whirlwind of emotions for me.  I know I'm already overly emotional as it is, but this has sent them through the roof.  Now is the time where I'm going to discuss the title of this blog. 

So, let's talk about boobies.  All women have them. Some big. Some small. They come in all shapes and sizes, but I'm not here to talk about everyone elses boobies.  I'm here to talk about mine. Specifically, my left one. 

What had been a month or so of excitement for me over the recent development of my growing boobies has now turned into panic. For about two months my breasts were growing.  I grew almost a cup and a half in two months, randomly.  No, I'm not pregnant. Well, after about a month of both of my girls growing, the left one stopped, while the right continued on being a champ at growing.  This concerned me.  Although I didn't really think anything about it at the time, I thought it was odd that the left one would just randomly stop growing.  About two weeks ago I began to notice that the left breast was changing shape, but only part of it.  It was a shape that neither of my breasts had ever been, even at my smallest size. This REALLY started to concern me.  I began to watch it for a few days and noticed that a section on the left side of my breast was starting to swell and redden while the rest was pasty white like the rest of my body.  And oh how they hurt.  Talk about TENDER!  Anyway, I decided to finally get it checked out.  It's like something inside my mind clicked and said, "go to the doctor!"  So, after consulting with my trainer at work and a few other women, I decided that taking off from my new job to get it checked out was in my best interest. 

I originally tried getting into my new gyno's office to have her check it out. And, with my luck, she was booked solid until December.  Yeah, that's not what I wanted to hear, so I did some calling around and found out that I could go to a walk-in clinic for them to do an exam and look at it.  So, that's what I did.

I went in to the walk-in clinic and the doctor looked at it.  She could definitely see the difference in size, which is what bothers me the most I think (I feel gross!), and she could also see the swollen/reddened area that I was telling her about.  Along with the swollen part, the area underneath my breast has begun to flatten out.  It's no longer round, but more flat than anything.  Weird, and TMI, I know. Anyway, she was concerned, so she has referred me to Hulston Cancer Center here in Springfield.

On November 1, they're going to do an ultrasound and mammogram to test me for breast cancer...WOW! Did I really just say that?  Breast Cancer. Yikes. I'm gonna be honest. This is scary. Terrifying, in fact.  I'm 23 years old, I shouldn't have to worry about something like this.  I don't understand what God is doing to me. Even if it's not cancer, the fact that I'm having to go through this trial, all while sufferring from over 2 years of infertility, just sucks.  Plain and simple. 

You know, I told someone last week this, and I meant it.  I'm so tired of my life falling apart; I'm ready for my life to fall together.

Three years

Three years ago today, when I slipped this puffy white dress over my head, I never imagined that the life I had planned in my mind would not play out how I had always imagined.

 

I had no comprehension of what it truly meant to say "for better or worse."

I had no idea that one day, I'd have to let go of my two babies that I'd never get the chance to meet, all for reasons I'll never understand this side of heaven. 

That day, on September 19, 2009, I had no idea how many days I would find myself needing to pray but would never have the right words to say, so instead...I cried.

But it's days like today where I'm thankful for a husband that knows when I just need him to hold my hand...

...or to guide me when I feel as though I have lost sight of where our lives are taking us...or when I feel like I can't continue this path we've been put on...

...and he even knows when to leave me alone because I have the "I'm going to kill you" look on my face.

 

And sure, there even have been days that I just needed my mom to be here and tell me everything will be okay and to wipe away my tears...

 But, through the trials of the last three years, we've laughed and cried...and we've eaten lots of cake!

 And the best part of the last three years has been spending it with the man I love. 

Happy Anniversary, Luke. 

I love you.

Jesus, Friend of Sinners

Jesus, friend of sinners, we have strayed so far away

We cut down people in your name but the sword was never ours to swing
Jesus, friend of sinners, the truth's become so hard to see
The world is on their way to You but they're tripping over me
Always looking around but never looking up I'm so double minded
A plank eyed saint with dirty hands and a heart divided

Oh Jesus, friend of sinners
Open our eyes to the world at the end of our pointing fingers
Let our hearts be led by mercy
Help us reach with open hearts and open doors
Oh Jesus, friend of sinners, break our hearts for what breaks yours

Yeah...

Jesus, friend of sinners, the one who's writing in the sand
Made the righteous turn away and the stones fall from their hands
Help us to remember we are all the least of these
Let the memory of Your mercy bring Your people to their knees
Nobody knows what we're for only what we're against when we judge the wounded
What if we put down our signs crossed over the lines and loved like You did

Oh Jesus, friend of sinners
Open our eyes to world at the end of our pointing fingers
Let our hearts be led by mercy
Help us reach with open hearts and open doors
Oh Jesus, friend of sinners, break our hearts for what breaks yours

You love every lost cause; you reach for the outcast
For the leper and the lame; they're the reason that You came
Lord I was that lost cause and I was the outcast
But you died for sinners just like me, a grateful leper at Your feet

'Cause You are good, You are good and Your love endures forever
You are good, You are good and Your love endures forever
You are good, You are good and Your love endures forever
You are good, You are good and Your love endures forever

Oh Jesus, friend of sinners
Open our eyes to world at the end of our pointing fingers
Let our hearts be led by mercy
Help us reach with open hearts and open doors
Oh Jesus, friend of sinners, break our hearts for what breaks Yours

And I was the lost cause and I was the outcast
Yeah...
You died for sinners just like me, a grateful leper at Your feet