The day I've been looking forward to since Monday morning

It's Friday, and I could not be happier.  This week has been an interesting one.  I've not felt well all week (which is nothing new if you ask my husband).  The monthly is killing me this time.  I've been bent over in pain from my PCOS, and when that went away I started the monthly cramping (that still has yet to go away). 

On Wednesday my heart was very heavy for a couple of reasons.  First I found out that a fellow Evangel graduate, David Johnson, was killed in Afghanistan by and IED.  David was only 24.  Many, many of my facebook friends were close friends with him, and my heart goes out to them.  As I've said before, when one member of the (Evangel) family hurts, we all hurt.  David is the second person in less than a year that I have known that has been killed in Afghanistan by an IED.  My thoughts and prayers have been with all of the friends and family members of David.  Evangel flew their flag at half-mast yesterday to honor David, and they held a special chapel in honor of him as well and for the students to come together and mourn.  Here are some pictures from the chapel.

After the news of David's death, I logged on to facebook to give my condolences to his family and friends.  While I was scrolling through my newsfeed, I saw where my pregnant friend posted a new status.  They were just told that their little girl (they found out the gender last week) may possibly have Trisomy 18 or Trisomy 13.  She has to have a level two ultrasound and an amniocentesis done in order to get more accurate results.  My heart goes out to her and her husband.  Difficult decisions and times are coming, but I am praying that everything will be okay and that she will bring home her perfect, healthy second baby girl when the time comes for her to deliver

I've not been sleeping well the last few months.  I wake up throughout the night ever three to four hours.  Why?  I couldn't tell you, but it never fails.  Well, last night I went to bed right before midnight because I had a class until 10, and I woke up at 4 this morning with horrible stomach pains (not like the cramps I've had all week).  I immediately got out of bed, tripped over towels, pillows, and Luke's water bottle on the floor and made my way to the bathroom.  I was up the next hour, sick.  When I went back to bed and woke up again after my alarm went off, I was so tired.  I could barely focus my eyes because I was so exhausted.  I guess the physical and emotional toll of this week had finally worn me down, and it hit me hard this morning.  I had to cancel my night out with a friend from class for tonight because I'm just not feeling up to par.  I'm hoping whatever this is will go away, and I'll resume quickly to my sarcastic, bossy self.  Until then, I'll just lie around the house and whine like a three year old.

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend.  I plan on sleeping as much as I can.  I know it's impossible to catch up on lost sleep, but I'm going to sleep like it were possible. 

Blessings to you and yours,
Love,
Alicia Marie

Meaningless nonsense

So, I'm strictly updating because it bothers me that I keep commenting on all of your blogs, but there is nothing new for you guys to read on my end.  Sorry about that.

Life lately has been pretty stagnant.  I started school back on the 12, and I'm halfway through the first class of the semester already.  Luke started school for the first time this semester, too.  He goes on Monday nights, and we both go on Thursday nights.

I started a new weight loss program thingy on Saturday (sounds professional, huh?).  It's called Plexus Slim.  My Aunt Julie was very generous and bought me a months supply to try before my IVF ultrasound/consultation Feb. 17.  I began getting curious about it when I found out that my Aunt lost 10 pounds just by drinking the "pink drink." She didn't exercise or eat any differently, and the pounds just went away.  So, I wanted to see what this product was all about.  With my PCOS, I've never been able to loose weight.  I was telling Luke over the weekend that even when I played softball all the time I could never loose weight, I would only maintain it.  With reservations, I started Plexus on Saturday.  I weighed myself before I took the drink and then I weighed myself again yesterday and I had already lost 3 pounds in two days, and I have done absolutely NOTHING!  I'm getting excited, and I hope Saturday when I weigh again that I will have lost even more.  I'll keep you updated the next three weeks as I finish the month supply.  I took a before picture, and I plan on taking an after picture the day after I finish.  If results continue the way they already have, I'll be posting the before and after picture for you to see, so stay tuned. 

This is what I'm taking to loose weight!

This month I've been quite optimistic.  I've been trying to look to the positive side of infertility.  I normally struggle with keeping a positive mindset when things seem so dim, but I'm doing quite well this time.  I think I finally hit rock bottom, and there really was no where else to go but up.  One thing that has helped hold me up when I was emotionally crashing again was this: "The LORD is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those who are crushed in spirit." (Psalm 34:18)

Here's my last thought of the day.  This year I have chosen to take the rough times of the last year, six months, and five days, and turn it into an up and coming testimony.  I choose to have hope, not have hope stolen from me by doctors that aren't THE ultimate physician. 

I'm going to leave you with a verse from my daily devotional about hope.

"He shot his arrows deep into my heart.  The thought of my suffering and hopelessness is bitter beyond words.  I will never forget this awful time, as I grieve over my loss.  Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: The unfailing love of the Lord never ends!  By His mercies we have been kept from complete destruction." (Lamentations 3:30, 19-22)

I'm disgusted!

Yesterday I had started a post about it being 18 months since Luke and I started trying to have a baby.  I even figured out how many minutes of my life that had been lost due to infertility, but then I read an article a friend posted on facebook.  I was disgusted.  All the sudden my burden of spending the last year and a half trying to conceive was no longer important to me.  The article I read was the sole focus of my heart and  my mind.

The article was about a mom and dad who has a little girl that has Wolf-hirschhorn Syndrome.  They had taken her to the Children's Hospital of Pennsylvania for her normal visit.  The mom had asked the daughter's doctor about the transplant that her daughter was going to need, and the doctor said that the little girl wouldn't need it for another year or so.  So, after the little girl did the tests that needed to be done, the parents met with the transplant team to talk about the transplant process.

Here's an excerpt from the article.

The doctor begins to talk and I listen intently on what he is saying. He has a Peruvian accent and is small, with brown hair, a mustache and is about sixty five years old. He gets about four sentences out ( I think it is an introduction) and places two sheets of paper on the table. I can’t take my eyes off the paper. I am afraid to look over at Joe because I suddenly know where the conversation is headed. In the middle of both papers, he highlighted in pink two phrases. Paper number one has the words, “Mentally Retarded” in cotton candy pink right under Hepatitis C. Paper number two has the phrase, “Brain Damage” in the same pink right under HIV. I remind myself to focus and look back at the doctor. I am still smiling.

He says about three more sentences when something sparks in my brain. First it is hazy, foggy, like I am swimming under water. I actually shake my head a little to clear it. And then my brain focuses on what he just said.

I put my hand up. “Stop talking for a minute. Did you just say that Amelia shouldn’t have the transplant done because she is mentally retarded. I am confused. Did you really just say that?”

I point to the paper and he lets me rant a minute. I can’t stop pointing to the paper. “This phrase. This word. This is why she can’t have the transplant done.”

“Yes.”

I begin to shake. My whole body trembles and he begins to tell me how she will never be able to get on the waiting list because she is mentally retarded.

A bit of hope. I sit up and get excited.

“Oh, that’s ok! We plan on donating. If we aren’t a match, we come from a large family and someone will donate. We don’t want to be on the list. We will find our own donor.”

“Noooo. She—is—not—eligible –because—of—her—quality– of –life—Because—of—her—mental—delays” He says each word very slowly as if I am hard of hearing.

When I read this I cried.  I hurt for this family.  It's not fair what is happening to them, and consequently to their little girl!  Just because the little girl has mental delays and is "mentally retarded," it doesn't mean that she doesn't deserve the right to live a healthier life.  I wanted to call every news crew from here to moon and tell them what an injustice the Children's Hospital of Pennsylvania was doing to the little girl and her family.  Sadly, the mom went on to say that after she left the hospital that day, she did some more research and found out that this kind of thing happens all the time all over the states. 

I cannot imagine what it's like to raise a special needs child, and I can only hurt for them knowing what they're facing.  I would like to think that if this were to ever happen to me, I'd fight for my child, and I would want others to spread the word about the injustice the doctors are doing!  So, I'm doing my part.  I'm sharing this story with you in hopes that you'll share it too.  Hopefully it gets to the right people, and something will turn around for this hurting family.

Will you speak up, with me, for those who can't speak for themselves?  If so, please read the entire article. Post it on your facebook, tweet about it, blog about it.   This kind of thing should NEVER happen.

http://www.wolfhirschhorn.org/2012/01/amelia/brick-walls/

 

T-minus 31 days

Exactly one month from today, I will have my ultrasound and IVF consultation with Dr. Silber at The Infertility Center of St. Louis.  Am I excited?  Absolutely!  Am I nervous?  Without a doubt!

I've spent a lot of time on The Infertility Center's website lately.  I'm totally convinced that Dr. Silber is amazing, and I've not even met him yet!  He has done some amazing things throughout his career, and continues to strive for excellence and expand his knowledge.  I feel as though I actually have a chance at becoming a mommy now.  What a wonderful feeling that is, too!

I think the thing that impressed me the most was how involved Dr. Silber is with his former/present/future patients.  I found The Fertility Center's Facebook page, and scrolled down their wall for minutes.  There were pictures after pictures after pictures of families that have been made through the Fertility Center, and all of them included personal thank you's from the families.  Each post from every family was commented on by the Center.  I even posted a comment on their Facebook wall, too.  I said, "I am so glad that I found your infertility clinic! I was turned away from another infertility clinic recently, and I felt like my hopes of becoming a mom was gone. I'm happy to say that is not the case anymore! I can't wait for my ultrasound and consultation with Dr. Silber February 17! :)"  Within a day I had a reply that said, "Alicia, we look very forward to meeting you and helping you in every way we can!"  Now, I know that's not the longest, most profound comment ever, but to me it meant a lot.  It meant a lot that they took the time to comment on all of the pictures of the babies they helped create and comment on what I had to say.  It's the small things that mean the most. 

If the comments weren't enough, here's a video of one of the amazing things Dr. Silber has done.  Successfully, might I add!


http://www.infertile.com/media_pages/television/Miracle-Babies.htm


I'm incredibly happy with our decision to not accept being turned away from the RRC, and I can't wait for February 17!